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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 21

Are soulmates a thing? Andy and Elizabeth discuss this as well as listener questions about uptight friends, anniversary gifts, when self deprecating is a bit too deprecating and the validity of online friendships. Enjoy!


JenB says:

It’s nice that you found each other again, but the “Universe” is not sentient and did not arrange for you to get together. There is no such thing as a soul, let alone a soul mate. READ A BOOK.

JenB says:

I’m not angry. I’m tired of new-agey BS and astrology, fate, all that stuff that makes people think they have no choices and they don’t have to think for themselves or actually make an effort to find someone. “Oh just walk down the street and your middle-school crush will bump into you and everything will be super awesome!” Much better to know what you want, go look for it, and find it. And I will be sad if you are trying to imply that I am “angry” because I am alone. I’m not, and I hate that I have to even defend myself in that way.
Soul mates aren’t real – that’s my point. Thinking that the Universe is arranging relationships is stupid.

Nick says:

Let’s all calm down, of course you can’t prove soulmates are real, but I do think there are people in everyone’s life that you feel a deep connection with. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but even with friends. I will always believe in kindred spirits, and soulmates. I mean my parents have been together since they were 18 and are not edging on 60.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Fate says:

The universe does exist, Jen. Clearly it hates you. I wouldn’t dare to speculate on your love life status but I think you’d be sad either way. You don’t need to read chrystals to know that no happy people are rude cunts.

Love always.

The Universe

Emilie says:

Oh boy, anyway. My 2 cents on this is if soulmates exist (still undecided), I definitely think there are more than one. If only one soulmate existed your odds of meeting would be 1 in 16 billion? Those are very discouraging odds.

WD Haley says:

Don’t you just hate it when people make aggressive statements and when they’re called out on it respond, “I’m not angry!!!!!!”. Le sigh…just own up to it, JenB.

Side note: Elisabeth, I only 10 episodes left of Totally Laime before I’m caught up and I’m getting depressed anxiety ๐Ÿ™

WD Haley says:

@Emilie – What if you encounter two or more of your soulmates in the same space, though? Would they cancel each other out (paradox) or would they go into an uncontrollable soul-mate rage and fight to the death over you?

Zachary says:

I agree with Emilie, soulmates might exist but “the one” definitely doesn’t–or if it does, then most people will go their whole lives without finding him/her, which is really depressing. On the flip side, I’ve always disagreed with “there’s a lid for every pot,” and think that some people have no soul mates waiting for them.

I also want to say that while I’m not into fate or astrology, believing in “all that stuff” or being “new-agey” does not make a person ignorant. Demanding that a person needs to educate themselves because their view on life doesn’t match yours is ignorant.

Nick says:

My best friend is coming over for our family Christmas this year, though I’m worried since he’s Jewish and it might be awkward for him. Though he said he wanted to come. Should I get him a little gift?

Emilie says:

@WD Haley – One would hope that things would just work themselves out with me being none the wiser.

But if I was somehow aware of more than one of my ‘soulies’ being in the same space…..then duel to the death of course! Or whoever could make me the best cup of tea would probably seal the deal. (I’m leaning heavily towards the tea)

Gabe says:

@Nick – As a Jewish person who celebrates Christmas with my partner’s family annually, I think it is totally appropriate to get a gift for your friend. It doesn’t have to be anything related to Judaism or Christianity, just a token that you’re celebrating the holidays together, and sharing good times and traditions. Unless he’s very orthodox, I wouldn’t worry too much about affronting his religion.

Al says:

I used to work for an investment manager who would come back from investing conferences in a depressed mood. He measured his net worth in the nine figures, but the presence of billionaire peers put him in a funk. At a certain point, you are better off appreciating a great relationship, and leaving the questions about soul mates to the romance novelists. Besides, if someone else is really your soul mate, you can meet them in a future life. Might as well sample the lives before sowing your wild lifetime oats, know what I mean?

Alia says:

Jen, what books would you recommend for all of us ignorant people to read? If you have a book that you think will disprove the theory that there is something more to the universe than just our physical bodies, then please share. If you make an argument, back it up!

Jess says:

I have to disagree a little with what Elizabeth said in the podcast. I can see what you’re saying but I would argue the opposite effect. I think some people might end good relationships they’re in because thy are worried that even though its good, there may be something better or that their soulmate is still out there. No relationship is perfect so I think someone who is overly concerned with finding their one and only soulmate might jeopardize a great relationship because with every flaw or conflict the couple has, they may be wondering if it means the person is not their soulmate.

Love your show and Merry Christmas!

Ashlee says:

In regards to in life friends versus online friends, I think that sometimes you have a need that can only be found online. Think about the kid in a small town struggling with his sexuality. In real life he may be isolated and bullied, but online he could form a fast, true, deep friendship with people from all over the country that can help him feel not alone. In my own life, after a brush with infertility (luckily it turned out fine for us!), I didn’t have anyone in my circle of friends that could relate. However, I connected with women online that I consider friends. Are they the same as the friends that I have dinner and go to movies with? No. Are they REAL friends and just as important in my heart for fulfilling a need that only they can fill? Absolutely.

Richard C says:

Whoa! Hot topic!
I was going to write in before the episode aired but I didn’t want to taint the discussion.
I was going to say the EXACT same thing about the idea of a soulmate being very harmful to women. So awesome to hear that Elizabeth brought it up. (Side note: this is another reason why I don’t think the high divorce rate is a bad thing. Women aren’t as pressured anymore to stay in bad relationships. I’m sure the divorce rate would have been as high as it is now back in the day if it had been more acceptable for a woman to make it on her own.)

Yeah, don’t really think there are soulmates. We are so limited to the amount of people we meet in our lives. We’re limited by language and geography. I’d feel confident wagering that there are thousands of people that would be great for any individual that they will never ever meet.

Another reason that I think soulmates are harmful is that they romanticize relationships in a dangerous way. Relationships require work, they aren’t magic.

Richard C says:

Ahhhh. Hope the writer-inner of that first question happens upon this.

I was DEFINITELY that kind of friend my first year of college. My roommate was my best friend from high school and when we got to college he partied his way to almost flunking out his first year. I was very passive aggressive about the subject because I wasn’t comfortable being straightforward about it. My roommate–in high school–had always been the responsible one of our group, so seeing him behave in such an indulgent, reckless way was jarring. So I was kind of a dick about the whole thing, but I deep down I was just trying to look out for my friend, I just didn’t really know how to communicate that.

Something else to keep in mind:
Drunk people and high people are not fun to be around if you’re sober. Drunk people especially. They repeat the same things over and over, respond slowly, talk loudly, and don’t listen. In short, they behave like idiots. Unless you’re intoxicated as well. So from her point of view, her friend that she has a high opinion of, is choosing to engage in activity that turns him into an idiot. If she’s never been drunk before, she doesn’t understand the payoff (payoff may be giving intoxication more credit than it deserves, but it gets the point across). So what she’s going through is a combination of self-righteousness and immaturity. I’ve been there before.

Richard C says:

Fuck me, here’s comment 3. I need to listen to a full episode before I start these dissertations.

Elizabeth, your voice is not annoying. It’s unique and distinctive. I still remember the first Totally Laime clip that I heard on the Earwolf Challenge. Your voice works SO WELL with your brand of humor and I was struck by that immediately.

Ali C says:

Elizabeth and Andy- I thought it was interesting and true what you said about the universe working different ways for different people. I definitely know people who have been lucky in love and not so lucky in career or the opposite. I agree that you donโ€™t get everything!
Elizabeth- I also think and have seen many woman stay in relationships because they were scared there was nothing better. I have primarily seen this in two situations. Situation 1: The people have been together forever (like 3rd grade through college). The next gradual step is marriage and even though one or both people donโ€™t feel it they feel like they have been in the relationship so long that starting over is scary and they might as well stick it out. Situation 2: Someone is getting older and all their friends are married or in relationships so they take the next thing. Also really sad and depressing because I donโ€™t think anyone is too old to find their soul mate!

Maybe Ruby and your cat are soulmates?


Rebekah G says:

Hey guys,
totally late on commenting on this, as I just found your podcasts this week and am now on the mission of listening to them all from all three! Wish me luck on that.
So, I know I’m late, but I really wanted to comment on this. I do believe in soulmates, and I also believe they are very rare. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t others out there would could make a person JUST as happy, as I also believe there are many potential life matches for everyone. I also believe that there are different types of love and different levels of being in love that can very easily be confused with soul mates, or that person being “the one”. To that end, though I’d never thought about it before I totally agree that the concept of soulmates can be very dangerous, and all that is dependent on the person specifically affected. In my personal experience, I’ve been in love a few times, and it was always a different kind of love. My longest relationship before finding my husband, I was in love with him, and at the time I wanted to be with him forever…and yet in my deepest heart of hearts I always knew it wasn’t quite right. When we were fighting and I would sit there and think “oh my god, I hate him so much,” and I would doubt if he even loved me at all. With my husband now, I get mad at him sure, but I’ve never thought that I hate him, nor have I ever doubted that my husband loves me. Also since it was mentioned by another commenter, believing in soul mates and fate does not mean you believe that you have absolutely no impact on your own life. As stated I believe in soul mates, and yes fate as well, and though I do believe that fate would have brought me to where I was supposed to be regardless, I think my choices change who I am when I get to where I’m supposed to be. If I hadn’t stayed in my past relationship for longer then I should have, though I believe I still would have found my husband, I would not have been as ready to accept the wonderful thing that was in store for me, or as understanding in how to navigate the trials that life with my husband has.
So there you go.
PS. you guys are awesome, and years in are still gaining new laimewads!! All the best!

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