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Fertility Clinic!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 41

In this very personal episode, Andy describes his visit to a fertility clinic and he and Elizabeth discuss how traumatic a trip to American Apparel was for them. They also answer listener questions about college relationships, how to tell someone “no”, doggy rescue tips, and lastly they get into a real doozy answering a question about large age differences in relationships. Enjoy!


DT says:

First, let me say major kudos for hashing out and confronting your own prejudices in a public recording. That took serious guts and I doubt I could have done it. Having done so demonstrates a serious commitment to self-reflection and self-improvement and a pretty no-holds-barred approach to acknowledging your prejudices and weeding them out.

That said, please don’t say, “It’s a stereotype for a reason.” Think about applying that to some other stereotypes.

Anyway, amazing episode! Please keep it up.

Amy says:

Hi! I wanted to offer a comment for the woman looking to adopt a doggie and expecting a baby. From my experience, this would be a terrible time to rescue an animal. Our animals are our babies and always have been. After a decade of fertility treatments we have a son, and I can say without hesitation that I wanted to murder my precious furry babies once the human baby came along; those first few months are a whole new world. Our kitties are the best! They have no behavioral issues, they are loving and sweet and were my greatest comfort during the HELL of fertility treatments, but they became super stressful to me when I was learning to be a mommy to a human. Now that our boy is a toddler, it is all glorious, but I had moments when he was a newborn that I wished our cats were outdoor kitties (something SOOOOO out of character for me).
That’s my two cents. Don’t adopt an animal, unless you have the conviction to treat them like your own children.
I would also be concerned that your child would have allergies, as well. None of us have allergies to animal dander, so I wasn’t concerned about our son. The allergies sometimes don’t manifest until the child is a year old, and I wonder what kind of stress it would bring to have to get the baby tested, get the shots, etc… I envision the pup right back at the shelter in no time. says:

Your right to make fun of young girls marrying older wealthy men. Of course there is truth to the good digger cliche. It absolutely exists. Especially in California. I can say from experience that a homeless man with little money will not get any Internest from women because they all want money and “safety ” so don’t apologize for making fun.

slowestloris says:

Wow, your reaction to the older/younger relationship thing is pretty much exactly how I feel about it. Like, in my mind I know it’s fine for an older person to be in love with a younger person, but at the same time, due to the whole deal of being with someone because of their money, I do always side-eye it a little when I’m confronted with it in real life. And I should say I tend to view it more negatively if it’s an older man and younger woman, rather than the other way round, because it just reflects the greater social gender imbalance where men are valued for their power, jobs, etc. and women for their bodies. At the same time I also feel like, if these women can use this imbalance to gain wealth or whatever, good for them.

Richard C says:

I’ll come to the defense of younger women dating old rich dudes if no one else is going to.

You could look at it as a wholly moral decision, but one of the biological things that women look for in a mate is security. In that wild, that can be expressed all sorts of ways, usually through brawn. In our society, wealth is certainly an expression of a male being able to provide security for his mate.
I’m pretty sure that women’s attraction to security is on par with men’s attraction to rounded figures (larger breasts, child-bearing hips, etc).

So I don’t think it’s fair to dump on these particular women for being a little more instinctual (or perhaps less evolved?) when it comes to choosing a mate.

That being said, I personally don’t like seeing it because of my insecurities and jealous-nature, but I recognize that there’s nothing inherently wrong with that kind of relationship.

Chester says:

In an ideal world, we should all try to avoid passing any sort of judgment on others, because we almost never have all of the relevant facts, and we can’t possibly have the benefit of genuinely seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Everyone is the heroic protagonist of their own life-story, and they almost always have reasons for doing the things that they do.

But, we don’t live in an ideal world — judgments will be passed, evaluations will be made, opinions will be formed. It’s part of life. Just do the best you can, and try not be a jerk.

That Guy! says:

I’m a tad bit late here, I just listened and had to chime in.

In regards to the woman dating an older man, I feel compelled to be “that guy.”I was annoyed by her comparison of May-December relationships to homosexual relationships and as such I am making a serious effort to not be a jerk about it in this obnoxiously long comment, let’s see how I fare.

First, dating or marrying an older man is certainly not the same “lifestyle” as homosexuality because she could have just as easily have fallen in love with a man of the same age or even younger, she just happened to find the right guy who was older, homosexuals don’t tend to end up with someone of a different gender.

Second, as pointed out by Elizabeth and above the stereotype of an age gap with the desire for wealth is a stereotype for a reason as it happens more than it should. Some young woman with no morals strolls in, bangs an old guy and waits for the dial to rollover so she can have a payday. I’m by no means saying that is acceptable for or applicable to all couples of this dynamic, but it happens.

Third, being asked if he is her father is also a reasonable assumption and likely not coming from a place of malice, much in the same way that some couples of the same age get asked if they’re siblings.

Fourth the sideways glances and offhand comments happen to interracial and homosexual couples as well, except there were never any laws regarding your ability to marry this older bloke (see DOMA and/or Loving v Virginia). This same kind of external judgment even happens when an “ugly” person marries a “pretty” person, or a heavy person is with a thin person. Get over yourself.

Finally, rude comments and hatred, seriously! You’re banging a dude and you have a vag, so shut up! The hatred she speaks of is laughable. I really doubt she and her man would be beaten to death for walking down the street while holding hands. She wont be imprisoned for loving this man. She wont be buried up to her neck and pelted with stones. She wont be dragged behind a truck. Politicians don’t call her relationship an abomination and run campaigns against it (see interracial and gay couples). Men of the cloth don’t preach against her relationship en masse from the pulpit (see interracial and gay couples).

I’m aware that I got a little prickish here and I am by no means trying to invalidate her feelings but I also seriously wanted to slap her when she brought up the gay thing, like yeah people judging you sucks but your not being hanged for dating a black man or stoned for dating a woman so it really isn’t that bad.

Now that I have vented I would just like to say to this woman, welcome to minority status. As far as how to handle it, grow a thicker skin and move on. Do what every other minority in history has done while seeking acceptance from the mainstream and just be honest about it. The only way to legitimize something that someone may see as subversive is to act as if it isn’t, because it isn’t. The only way you can change minds is to show people something different, if these hateful people see you and your guy are right for each other their ideas of you being a gold digger might fade away. If they don’t come around are they really people you should be concerned with in the first place? In the simplest and most crass terms I can muster, fuck haters! The only people who actually matter are people who accept you and your relationship for what it is.

Liz says:

Hey! So I’m a little late to comment, but I wanted to chime in about telling someone no. I’m extroverted by nature, and tend to be very straight forward. Despite this, I used to have a hard time telling guys I wasn’t interested in them. I guess I was worried about hurting their pride or feelings or whatever. Things changed after a candid conversation with both my brothers about this topic. They said it was easier (and much appreciated) if a girl they were interested in was straight-forward about how she felt rather than “stringing them along”. They even went so far as to say that guys usually continue pursuing a girl until they had a definite yes or no, and often misinterpret niceness or friendliness as a sign of interest. After that instead of dropping not-so-subtle hints about being busy or some other excuse, I decided to be direct with guys. While it sometimes sucked having to “reject” someone, I felt so much better, and even had several guys thank me for being honest. If you’re not interested in someone, being as honest as you can is the best thing to do. In the end, its all about respect (respecting the other person and respecting yourself).

Leigh Robbins says:

Dear Elizabeth and Andy,

My parents adopted me when I was 6 weeks old, and I have always known that I was adopted. In fact my birth announcement read, “We’ve been adopted by a baby girl named Leigh Meredith Robbins.” I know how folks can be assholes both intentionally and unintentionally. The one thing I could always say to a kid who called me an orphan, is, “I know for a fact my parents wanted me; they had the option to say no, but they chose me. Can you say the same?” If the kid is smart, s/he will STFU, and walk away.

Rebecca says:

Omg, so I found you guys just recently. I’ve been married for two years and just recently got pregnant. Listening to this episode I’m DYING laughing, I love it. Just wanted to pass along that there is actually an at home sperm test kit you can get which comes with a little microscope and tools so you can see the amount ejaculated, if it becomes the right consistency, if they’re healthy/moving in a straight line (the dumb ones going in circles look HILARIOUS), and then add saline to some and then count how many you have (if you count 8 or more swimming around it means you’ve a normal count). My husband and I used this (bought it from Amazon) when we were struggling to conceive. Now I just use the microscope for other stuff around the house that interests me. . .or to look at his sperm again when I need another good laugh (is that mean? Probably. . .oh well!). Looking forward to hearing – late – when you get preggers so I can commiserate with your old self on pregnancy crap! (btw, first podcast I listened to was one on your mommy channel and you talked about your bladder coming out and I became TERRIFIED and realized I needed to start earlier and not listen to the later baby/mom stuff once I’m further along lest I throw myself off a cliff in fear. . .) Cheers!!

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