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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 48

E and A talk through some social anxiety as well as answer a bunch of listener questions addressing sexpectations, boundaries with friends, pre-emptive in-law censorship and whether or not Elizabeth feels more liberty to swear since her parents are dead! Enjoy!


Jes says:

In response to the woman who was having difficulty with intercourse because of endometriosis, I still think her and her husband have lots of ways to enjoy each other in the bedroom. Sex is way more than just intercourse. I personally haven’t suffered from endometriosis, but after having my son I was very nervous about intercourse. It took about a full year before I was really back in action in that department. In the meantime though, my husband and I did find ways to have a sex life. First, I think Andy’s suggestion of just taking intercourse off the menu is brilliant. That’s essentially what we did and it really helped take the pressure off. It gave both of us the freedom to flirt and tease and initial sex without stressing (him stressing that I might shut him down or me stressing that I should have intercourse before I was ready). My husband and I are fairly vanilla when it comes to our preferences, so anal wasn’t on the table for either of us, but there was plenty of oral and hand jobs for both of us. Before I was ready to let my husband do anything downtown, we would still make out and roll around and then I would blow him. When I was game for more, he started providing oral for me. Oral had always been part of our repertoire, but it became more of the meat of our sex life during this phase and continues to be a major part of our sex life. Oral can be super super sexy and a very gentle way for a woman to be stimulated. Plus, if this woman really needs to be revved up, I highly recommend it. This can be a great go to for her husband to give her pleasure and on times when she thinks she can go further, she can always give the green light that she’s down for more. This way she’s always in control of the intercourse part of their sex life. Also, a vibrator can be a great way for her husband to stimulate her non-vaginally. It was important for us and I’m sure it will be important for her husband to know that he is/can provide her pleasure. As for the husband’s pleasure, it will depend on his preferences. My husband was always just as happy to end with a blow job as he was to end with intercourse. If that’s not the case, they may have to get creative, but I think if they can start by recharging their sex life in a safe, guaranteed pain-free way, I think they will both be happier. I hope this helps. I know it can be frustrating when you feel like you can’t enjoy that part of your relationship, but I really think this woman and her husband have lots of options for keeping the sex in their relationship. She might also check in with a female focused sex store (e.g. Smitten Kitten (in Minneapolis, MN) or A Woman’s Touch (in Madison, WI)). These stores are run by women for women. I don’t know where she lives, but she can always call or email if she wants to ask for help. A Woman’s Touch has done a lot of work with female doctors to help women with specific medical issues. So I’m sure they also would have great advice.

Elizabeth says:

@Jes~ Whoa, awesome advice! Thanks so much for commenting – I hope the writer inner takes a look at this, what a fantastic resource. πŸ™‚

bon says:

I hear ya on the social anxiety. I have issues with awkward silences. It’s hard finding people to have that comfortable silence with. I already have anxiety over certain situations. I stutter, stammer, have trouble eating, etc. I have no idea why it happens. I know I’m worse when I’m PMSing. I’m also worse around certain people. If you figure it out, please let me know!

joe says:

My family was never strict about cursing, but it was only used by my parents when something went awry (car breaks down, tractor didn’t start, etc). The only time I was ever shocked by cursing was when my great grandma who normally only ever used things like ‘sam hill!’ But then one day, she cut herself making dinner (she was in her early 70s when I was a little kid…yeah my family has ’em young, lol) and I heard her curse with ‘Son of a bitch!’ and my little mind was blown to hear granny use such language.

By High school, though, it was over. For whatever reason, in the early 90s, cursing was our version of the valley girl ‘like’. lots of F this, or F’n that. I still catch myself saying that at times and now with nephews that are little, I tread carefully about using cursing…I don’t want to be ‘that’ uncle. πŸ˜›

Ashlee says:

For the woman that has pain during sex, another option might be to find on obstetrical physical therapist. There’s nothing they can do about the pain in her uterus I don’t think, but they may be able to help with tenseness in the pelvic floor or the cycle of pain that she’s in. Tens treatment, massage, or exercises could definitely help the overall area. (Source: my sister is a PT and did her master’s placement at a gynocological PT office.)

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