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Totally Times Three!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 121

Elizabeth makes a big announcement about the podcast! Then she and Andy discuss their recent visit to St. Louis before answering listener questions about moving/compromising when in a long distance relationship, what to do when you’re starting a new relationship but “the one that got away” comes crawling back, and how do we feel about our listeners feeling like they know us? Enjoy!

27 Comments!

Emily says:

Such wonderful news about the new podcast! Will it be the same style as TM, chatting then answering listener’s questions about baby stuff?

Also loved your positive outlook and reflection on your time in St. Louis. It sounds like you both took the time away to really relax and enjoy the time with family. Was a good reminder to appreciate certain things in life :)

Pia says:

Also, Elizabeth, stop apologizing for being f*cking awesome. F*cking Totally Awesome. Mommy, Wife, and Podcaster.

o-shen christ says:

I second this!!! i get a grea kick out of you throwing in “i’m pregnant all the time as an excuse for random things!!” hilarious!!!

Chris P says:

First, I could not be more excited about the third podcast. I know you’ll have a lot of Totally Dad and child-free listeners, too.

Second, just to throw in my experience regarding the young lady who wants to get back together with her ex. I broke up with my now-wife shortly after we started dating, then we got back together, we’ve been together almost 12 years/married for 8, and have two kids. I was dumb and skittish about relationships, but I smartened up quick. Luckily, she hadn’t started dating anyone else in the interim. So, it does happen, but it’s probably not the norm.

Sandy says:

I’m a parent, so I am biased, but I think Totally Mommy is the way to go. I do hope that Andy makes more than the occasional appearance, not just because Andy is fun to listen to, but because I think there’s lots of room in the many venues that discuss parenting for male/dad voices. I think that making an effort to include Andy and other dads would really set you apart in a sea of “mommy,” not that I don’t think your voice is enough to set you apart, because I totally (see what I did there?) do.

Speaking of totally, I really enjoyed listening to you articulate your brand. I think that there are two competing narratives of parenthood floating around: the first is that it’s the very best thing a person could ever do and the second is that it’s the very worst and it will ruin your life. I think your approach (keeping it positive and real) hits somewhere in the middle, which is way more relatable.

o-shen christ says:

agreed Andy rocks it so hard!! He’s a super awesome dude and husband and father to be that he’s essential. Especially since the dynamics between the two are so amazing! Funny despite how you two found each other in another city years later that Elizabeth doesn’t believe in soul mates for truly you two are!

Lindsey says:

I wanted to speak out regarding the girl who has been dating a new guy for a bit and her ex has come back.
Maybe I am the exception and not the rule, but I had a very similar story. My HUSBAND!!! and I dated for about 6 months and broke up which was heart breaking for me. After about 8-9 months or so I started dating someone else. We dated for about 6-8 weeks when my guy came around saying about the same thing. He had to figure out his life, who he was and what he wanted. I actually told him I was in a relationship with someone else and we tried the friend thing. It was completely unfair of me because I knew I wanted to be with him instead and after about a month the new relationship was off and my guy and I took it slow and figured it out. 9 years later here we are, married and incredibly happy.

My advice is that you should go for it with your old flame. It is worth the risk, and it won’t be fair in the new relationship because the chances of you letting it go are slim.

Love the podcasts!

Tim says:

Congrats on the third podcast! Since I’m a younger male listener, I can’t guarantee that I’ll tune in for Totally Mommy, but I’m sure it’ll be great.

I also just wanted to add that I’ll definitely miss hearing Andy twice a week. :(

Kayla says:

Hey y’all! I’m the girl that wants her ex back.. Unfortunately Andy, I did talk to the boyfriend about it. I had to have a conversation with both of them to figure out what I wanted to do. Ex wanted me to stay with boyfriend- he didn’t want me to ruin it all because of him.

Well that’s what I ended up doing. I did stay with the boyfriend, but I am so unhappy. It has been about a month since I sent the email/ the fun went down. I’m just not feeling it. Now 2 months in, I shouldn’t feel like I do. He feels like a brother.. Not boyfriend. I care so much about him, but no romantic feelings.

I don’t think I’ll give the ex another try for a little bit, but the success stories have made me feel so much better about it. And I can see Andy shaking his head saying he’s a douchebag.. Haha but he’s really not. He just wasn’t in the right state of mind to be all in like we were.

Continuing to love the shows and can’t wait for the new addition! :)

G says:

Elizabeth, I’m not married and I LOVE Totally Married. I’m not a mom and I KNOW I’m going to love Totally Mommy. You rock. The podcasts rock. Thank you x3!

Chris says:

Excited for the new podcast! And as a gay, single, and childless guy who can’t wait for Totally Mommy, I think I’m safe in saying that you don’t have to worry about infuriating any fans over a podcast on moms. It’s all good over here, Elizabeth!

slowestloris says:

I’m thrilled about your new podcast! Even tho I don’t have kids and don’t have many people in my social circle who do, I think with the quality of any media, it depends less on the subject matter than on the people involved and how the subject is handled – and you are an amazing podcaster and the best interviewer/host I know of! Plus, kids and parent-child relationships are super interesting and can be weird and funny as hell, which I am sure will come out in your podcast.

Also, can I just say that when Elizabeth read the question about the girl thinking about getting back together with her ex, when she quoted him saying “I have to love myself first” (or whatever it was) I think my out loud “FUCK. OFF.” synced up perfectly with Andy’s “what a dickhead”. Made me very happy ;)

Katie says:

Totally Mommy? YES. YES! I’m so excited. This seems like the perfect trajectory for you.

I don’t have children, but I do listen to a lot of podcasts, including a few podcasts centered on children and parenting (so yes, raising humans is still an interesting topic for people without kids!). I see what you mean about the self-deprecating trend nowadays, but there is also another category of parenting podcast which I really dislike: some are way too saccharine and “polite”, if that makes sense. There’s a lot of fake laughing (ugh barf) and skirting around dirty issues. They’re just too damn politically correct (read: boring). I’m thrilled to hear you and your guests address these topics because I know you’ll keep it real! That will surely set you apart from everyone else.

melakay says:

I am a little apprehensive about the new podcast. I will totally be listening no matter what, I just get a little nervous because the mommy thing seems to be well represented in the podcast world. I have tried many of them and they all seem to suck just a little bit. I know that if anyone can breathe some life into the topic its my girl Elizabeth!!! Good luck and I cant wait to see what you can do!!

Elisabeth says:

A lot of your advice goes something along the line that if you are not 100% into your partner, if things don’t feel right, then it’s not worth pursuing. I lived by this way if thinking until I turned 40 and found myself still single. After therapy and meditating I’m now since 3 years in a monogamous relationship. Things are not perfect. Sex is mediocre and we have little to talk about or even many common interests, but he’s the sweetest most genuine caring person I’ve ever known and we connect on a spiritual level. I love him and I’m as happy as I’ve ever been. Happiness does not come from seeking perfection, but from waking up to what you already have.

swats330 says:

Totally Mommy!!! YAY!!!!!!!
I am so excited for you. And from a selfish perspective, I’m in a very similar time-of-life, trying to wrap my head around what pregnancy and early motherhood will be like. Elizabeth, you are so relate-able, and I learn so much from hearing about your marriage, pregnancy and general life stories. I can’t wait to subscribe to Totally Mommy as well!

Jack says:

I guess I’m one of the few that’s not stoked about Totally Mommy.

I hope it works out for you but I’m bummed that I’m losing an episode of Totally Married each week.

Kelly says:

Hi Elizabeth and Andy! Your announcement of Totally Mommy could not come at a better time! My husband and I are in the process of trying to start a family, and just the other day, I was thinking that I haven’t found a quality mommy podcast to listen to. I am sure yours will be amazing!

Also, I wanted to comment about how one listener mentioned how they talked about you like they know you. As I said before, we are in the process of trying to get pregnant, and when things have not gone as smoothly as we wanted, I find myself reassuring the two of us with “well, it took Elizabeth and Andy a while to get pregnant, but then they did, so we need to have faith”.

anonymous says:

I feel bad about Andy getting grief from saying that a writer-inner should leave his bipolar wife. I just wanted to offer Andy some support on this that I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong. Yes, you should try to get the spouse help, and yes, you should definitely try to make it work, but if it doesn’t work, I wouldn’t judge someone for leaving.

Here’s the thing, a comment that Elizabeth read on the podcast compared the question to a spouse with MS. These are both mental health issues, but they are not at all the same. Many mental health issues like MS, Alzheimer’s, etc. involve cognitive problems. And leaving your spouse because she got MS would not be acceptable (in my opinion, obviously). But someone with bipolar can go through periods where they can be extremely irritable and do things that endanger themselves or you. There can be intense arguments and sometimes even abusive behavior. (Personally, I am of the opinion that people should never feel obligated to stay with an abusive partner, no matter why the partner is abusive.) Important to note that everyone with bipolar is different (many people with bipolar are not abusive!), but there may be issues related to the disorder that become deal-breakers. Reportedly, 90% of marriages involving a person with bipolar end in divorce (http://tinyurl.com/nvvdovr), certainly not all of those spouses are total jerks.

Just to demonstrate that we can’t use the paintbrush of “let’s judge responses to all mental health issues the same,” consider what you would say if the spouse in the example was diagnosed with psychopathy. This also has a large genetic component, and it is really out of the person’s control that their brain ended up that way. Yet many more people would be willing to say it was OK to leave that spouse, I would guess. Obviously bipolar is not psychopathy (definitely not saying that!!), but I just mean to suggest the overall rule is too broad.

Good luck to that original listener!

In regards to the ex who who’s come crawling back–the fact that his feelings came out after he randomly bumped into you at a gas station is not a good sign. If he had approached you on his own that would be a different story.

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