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Hot Chocolate Memories!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 123

Elizabeth shares her food memory to an un-impressed Andy before they dive into listener questions about handling a stressful visit to your dysfunctional family over the holidays, choosing between a nice guy boyfriend and the ex who wants back in, how Andy’s parents feel about being grandparents from so far away, and being a 25 year old virgin who is afraid of being perpetually single. Enjoy!


Jenny says:

To the listener who is dealing with the nutbag parents, my heart goes out to you. What you’ve been dealing with for 9-plus years I’ve been going through for the last 2. (Dad leading double life for 20 years) Though my parents are still trying to work on staying married, the parents I knew are both gone and two people that I frankly just don’t like or respect are left. I empathize with feeling guilty for how I treat them sometimes. I think Elizabeth was right about looking at your parents sort of like children. I don’t think being inauthentic about relationships is good to do, but, if you want any sort relationship with them to run smoothly, you basically have to stop hoping for water to come from a rock. They can’t give what they no longer have. They may never be able to. But do your best to stay in therapy and work on boundaries, and it’s okay to lean on your in-laws. Good thoughts and hopes coming at you!

Masha says:

I wanted to respond to two quick points made in the show:
1) There’s no caffeine in chocolate. There is however a similar compound called theobromine. It has weaker effects than caffeine does, but it’s the compound that makes chocolate poisonous to dogs.

2) In the response to the question about minimum cost of an engagement ring, you two said that the reason there should be some large amount spent on an engagement ring, is that it gives the man a chance to show he is serious about the engagement. But why is it that only the man is supposed to show that he is truly committed by saving up for an engagement ring? How is the woman supposed to show the same serious commitment? If two people are in a serious relationship where both have known each other for a long time and truly understand each other because they have open communication, they’ll know whether or not the other is serious about the commitment that is marriage, with or without a pricey engagement ring.

James says:

2) Yes!

I’ve just commented on the previous episode and now listened to Elizabeth and Andy’s response.

I *still* think everyone’s thinking about marriage too commercially. The institute used to be purely financial, an agreement whereby fathers would essentially sell off their daughters, but now it’s a symbolic arrangement. It’s just a way of saying “we plan to spend the rest of our lives together” and money has nothing to do with it!

The two months’ salary rule scales, but leaves no room for people with absolutely no disposable income. Does that mean poor people can’t dedicate their lives to each other? Why does “stability” have to be code for “wealth”?

Got a bit carried away! I should add that I love the podcast, both you guys and all the lamewads :) Just wanted to offer an alternative view… X

Kelly says:

To the 25 year old med school Christian virgin– I totally understand. I’m a 26 year old Christian virgin. I was engaged up until a month ago and now find myself single again, which is absolutely terrifying. I thought I’d be married by now too and share your fears of being an older wife/mom and all that. I know a lot of people will think this is cheesy or wrong and that’s fine, but do trust that God has a plan for your life! Waiting for the right person is going to be more than worth it. Try not to get impatient or give up on God or think He’s forgotten you. He hasn’t! Just because your life doesn’t look like you thought it would doesn’t mean anything’s wrong. Trust me on this one– if you settle now for someone who isn’t worth it, you’re going to hardcore regret it when the right one does come along. So stay strong! You’re not alone :)

Med Student says:

Kelly! <3 <3
I cannot find the words to express how excited I am to read your comment! It is SO incredibly refreshing to connect with a like-minded individual. I'm sorry to read about your return to singledom but I share your faith that in all things, God gives us purpose. I am by nature impatient; it is something I struggle with but I do not doubt God's presence in my life. *I just wish He'd speed up the process a bit :p *
Thank you for reminding me of exactly why I continue to wait. I know myself enough to know I would 'hardcore regret it' if I settle. Thank you for the support Kelly. You're a gem! :)

Ryan says:

To the medical student, i am an asian guy and i think i might understand a little bit of what you might be going through. black women and asian guys as attractive and appealing figures in the media just aren’t out there as much as others. i think it messed with my head making me think i wasn’t attractive or appealing. It seems like something similar is messing with your head as you say that guys might find you intimidating. It’s even harder not to think about such things when you look around and see how seldom you see black women or in my case asian men dating outside their race. That said. Would i want to be any other race. Nope. I think you probably feel the same way. You add to the texture of really diverse groups of friends and people! As Elizabeth and Andy were saying don’t worry about what guys MIGHT be thinking. If you’re the first black woman a guy has dated, own it! Trust your instincts and go get out there!

Med Student says:

Hi Ryan!
Yes, Black women and Asian men have definitely been given the short end of the desirability stick. But, I don’t think we should really be interested in people that buy into the negative stereotypes.
You’re completely right. I wouldn’t trade black for anything in the world. I find my strength and pride in it.
I recently went on a date with a white guy and though I owned being black, he was completely clueless about black women and black culture. Still, I didn’t feel like I was an ‘experiment’ so that’s a plus! :D

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