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Xmas Card Whoopsies!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 127

Elizabeth and Andy discuss their vastly different reactions to their recent Christmas card snafu as well as get into an in depth discussion about birth choices (more on that topic on Totally Mommy dropping in January!) Then they answer listener questions about high school crushes on friends, how to handle a brother who is marrying someone barely legal and is a general nightmare, how to explain to your future in laws why your brother is rolling in dough when it involved the growing of some very special “herbs”, and lastly, should you take a standup comedy class for the fun of it? Enjoy!

16 Comments!

Alex says:

Just wanna share my advertising holiday party quip. I work at a pretty large agency and we had our holiday party last week. Open bad, everyone is so drunk. My boyfriend said to me after “I can’t believe that was a work party.”

This guy I work with shows up with his girlfriend and they are both going crazy. The girlfriend decides she loves this other designer and is sorta making out with her all night.

Cut to after party at the bar and I’m watching a MTV spring break style three way kiss.

So yeah advertising parties, am I right?

Sadie says:

I have to say, I found the conversation about birthing to be interesting but I have to say there is A LOT of implicit and explicit judgement going on amongst women about birthing AND nursing choices. I live in the Bay Area and it is all the judgement and shaming (yes shaming) towards those that don’t do natural birth and breast feed for at least a year is intense. I’ve hard to “medicated” births. For my first: planned to the minute for convenience, which is apparently worthy of judgement (not just by you) because my husband was serving in the military and we wanted to be together. For my second I told everyone “no plan, we’ll see how it goes, if I need medication then I need it.” Enter chorus of “your body is MADE to do this” “You only THINK you need pain killers” “don’t give birth on your back”. I went through my labor without any meds, but mainly because I felt shamed into it and embarrassed if I “couldn’t” do it. And I did need medical intervention at the end.

There is a lot at play here with socioeconomic status and the idea that people who don’t want natural are unlearned. AND the idea that natural birth mothers are “out of their minds”

Can’t wait for Totally Mommy!

Sadie

Beth P says:

Listening to the portion of your episode where you are discussing natural birth, I would just strongly suggest that you resist promoting a particular type of birth until you’ve actually had your child. When I had my first child, I walked into the whole thing with an open mind and as a result, I had the best birth that I could have asked for. However, had I gone into it with specific ideas and my plans did not work out, I think I would have been disappointed.

Also, I disagree that people promoting natural birth aren’t very preachy. My experience is that they are by far the most judgmental when discussing birth options. For instance, your comments sort of inferred that you made your educated decision to have a natural birth and that those who choose otherwise did not do the research.

Now, my purpose in commenting is not to be contrary, but to explain a different point of view. Any way that you have your child, from C-sections to epidurals to natural births, is difficult. And, there is no single option that is best for everyone.

Elizabeth says:

I agree with you Beth for the most part, although I don’t think I am “promoting” natural childbirth, just sharing that it’s my plan, I feel like I’m allowed to share what is going on in my life before it actually happens because the preparation is a big part of my life right now! Also, as I mentioned I’m well aware that plans can change.

I didn’t mean to infer that someone who doesn’t choose natural childbirth hasn’t done the research, just commenting on my experience that the people who have been very judgmental to me about me being crazy to do it, etc. I have to assume haven’t done the research. I wasn’t making a blanket statement, this is just based on my own experience.

Totally agree with you that whatever way it happens is challenging and we all want the same final result – a happy healthy baby and mama!

Ellen says:

Elizabeth, I love your podcast, but you did say that people who were anti- water birth didn’t do research. Please know that reading things on the internet isn’t really research, and most OB GYNs, who actually spend years training and deliver thousands more babies than midwives, recommend against non-hospital birth. At some point, we have to trust the experts. Also, while bearing a child is an achievement, it is not a marathon. The achievement isn’t the main thing, a healthy baby is.

Alia says:

You are proving their point by posting this comment. People judge for no reason. It’s not your body! Chill.

Sarah says:

On the different types of birthing methods – The reason there is judgment is because, overall, people kind of suck anymore. Parenting, from conception on, has unfortunately become a competition. If you don’t do it the way one person thinks is the best way then you’re wrong and weird, and it’s total crap. My thoughts are that if you’re doing what you feel is in the best interest of the child and yourself, go for it! I wish people would stop treating parenting as a competition and start rooting for each other. We’re all on the same team!!!

You go Elizabeth! When the time comes I hope your plan works out and it’s the best day of your lives!

Merry Christmas!

Elizabeth says:

Totally agree! Thank you for this – I think we all should just do what’s right for us. :) xo

Christina says:

Perfect response! This is what I wanted to say, but much better than how I would have said it. :-)

Sarah says:

Oh and on the girl who has the older brother paying for the wedding stuff. It’s nobodies business how he makes his money. If they ask how the brother affords it I’d just be like, “I don’t know. All I know is that he offered, he’s happy to do it and I am so thankful.” Leave it at that. :-)

Alia says:

To the high schooler who called in about her friend who likes a boy and doesn’t know what to do about it: I am 28, but my brother is 19 and because of that, high school stuff seems recent. This is what I’ve noticed about him:

- He likes girls who are not too clingy (it sounds like your friend is chill and not clingy at all);
- he appreciates it when girls make the first move (he tries to be cool, but he really is shy and afraid to ever initiate anything);
- and there was once a girl who he had never thought about or considered as someone he liked, but when she asked him to hang out, he realized that he really did like her.

Anyway, I hope that helps a little! Obviously not all guys are like that, but I do think the second point is more common than you think – guys often try to act tough, confident, etc., but many of them are actually afraid of rejection. So, I do think that if your friend asks the guy to hang out, he will respond well!

Robin says:

That’s great advice, and fortunately, (unfortunately?) it seems to still apply to some adults too :)

Maureen says:

Regarding the high school girl who has a crush on the guy friend. I think the friend who called in should mention something to the guy. Say, for example, they are all out together at the mall or whatever people do in high school these days. The girl with the crush goes into a store or goes to the bathroom, and the other friend could say, “Have you ever thought about dating Emma? I think she might have a crush on you.” That way, the extreme awkwardness and pressure is removed from the situation. It was my experience that high school-aged guys get freaked out by a girl making her feelings known outright, but a friend could drop a lovely hint. Then, if the boy does nothing about it, they can both assume he didn’t “like her, like her.”

Love the show!

Elle D says:

You mentioned that as a natural birth proponent you feel that all the judgment exists in the minds of the pro-hospital ladies. Fear not! There is judgment enough to spare for everyone on all sides of the issue of how to give birth.

A friend who planned for a natural birth and needed medical intervention after hour 22 was on the receiving end from both sides – the ‘you’re so crazy for going natural!’ judgment prior to going in and the the, ‘aw, you gave up…?’, judgment afterwards. The same people who patted her back and confirmed her good choice were the same people who made her feel terrible(seriously?) when a natural birth became an impossibility.

I wish ladies would stop taking every opportunity to tear each other down and instead try supporting each other and if that’s not possible, they could try quietly keeping their opinions to themselves about their feelings on the different choices we all have the good fortune to make for ourselves.

Elizabeth says:

I agree, completely. Well put! Hoping having more dialogue like this will help. All women who give birth in whatever way they do are badass warriors!

Annalise says:

I think Totally Mommy is going to be really interesting! I don’t have kids but I was surprised that Elizabeth is getting a hard time about natural childbirth. I have a few friends with kids and all of the women had either water births at home or something close to that. It has actually gotten to the point where I worry that if I do have a baby my friends would judge the fact that I might want an epidural. So Elizabeth, I think it can still go either way.

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