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The One Thing We Have!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 129

Elizabeth and Andy discuss their Christmas holiday as well as how they discovered that the one thing they definitely have in common is a former love for the bands Prodigy and Kid Rock! Then they answer listener questions about supporting a mom who has a hoarder sister, what to do when you are ready to get married and settled down to a perpetual peter pan, how to be supportive for a partner when you don’t agree with his perspective, and lastly, what to do when the man you love and have been married to for seven years wants a divorce. Enjoy!

4 Comments!

B says:

This is a bit delayed, but, to the woman dating the physician-to-be… I want to share a couple of thoughts than come from the perspective of having dated and married a physician:

-Based on his age I’m guessing he’s a first or second year med student… So he may not know his specialty yet, or even if he does, he may change it. That will drastically affect what his training, and therefore his life, will look like after med school! Being the partner of a family practice resident will be a really different ball game than being the partner of a general surgery resident. So keep that in mind as you consider your future with him.

-Although I know of people who married early in their medical educations, started families, etc., in my husband’s circle of friends and acquaintances, it is much more common for MDs to be a bit, well, delayed in the relationship department. The demands of med school and residency serve as very justifiable reasons not to be focused on things like marriage and children until a bit later.

-That stuff said, in my very limited personal experience, when it’s good it is really good! My husband is finally done with residency, and started his first ‘real job’ six months ago at age 31! And although his hours have always been strange (he’s working 8pm-8am as I type), he makes an amazing partner. My intention is definitely not to scare you away – just offering thoughts to consider.

A says:

Thank you for the advice, B! I’m going to be patient for him. There are plenty of things I want to accomplish before I get married, which I need to remind myself of.

So for now I will pay for all our dates and give him pep talks before exams because he works so hard in school. I am constantly learning new things from him and I can tell he genuinely loves what he is doing, which makes me happy! :)

Megan says:

This comment is for the person who’s husband comes home every night and complains about his boss. I’m a fixer who wants to always help my husband through all his difficulties at work. But what my husband wants is so different. I agree with Elizabeth,

You need to discuss with him what he wants. After 6 years of marriage, my husband finally told me that all he wants is for me to listen and not comment. He has his own ideas of how to fix the situation at work but before he gets them out I am already giving him advice. He feels that I am less of a partner/friend to him and more of a nag because I don’t let up when I get going on the advice.

I though I was truly being helpful. But I guess what it came down to was the fact I wasn’t actively listening to what he needed. Maybe instead of giving him answers, asking him question. Like if he said that his boss was a jerk to him. Ask him how it made him feel or what he thought his options where to fix the situations or even if he feels that there is a solution but don’t give answers. Let him vent. Sometimes that is all they need.

I also agree with Elizabeth about finding the right time to talk to him about his stress when thing get to be too much. But in an asking questions kind of way. Make him feel like he is in control of it. Ask him if he can think of something that will help release some of the stress he is feeling.

Oh and to the women who found out her husband never loved her after 7 years of feeling unloved. Talk to him about counseling but if he is resistant, let him go. You can’t force someone to love you No matter how much you love him. If he isn’t willing to try to make it better, it never will. You deserve to be loved in return. It’s like the tiny pebble that crashes against the big rock. Over time the pebble becomes nothing more then sand. I have watched over the years how two people can live in the same house and only one is in love with the other. I see over time how that relationship is poison. They never really fight but now the man who was so in love is only a shell of what he once was. It’s an unhealthy relationship that is not your fault nor is it anything you can fix if he doesn’t want to try. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Cecilia says:

To the woman who’s husband claims that he has never loved her…I actually have a close friend who had a very similar experience. Her husband told her after a year or two of marriage that he wasn’t in love with her anymore, that he hasn’t been for a long time, that he didn’t love her on the honeymoon (one of the greatest times of my friends life), etc. I gave her this same advice and they are now still married, much happier and have two kids. So I think it is very worth trying to fix things. In their situation, the husband was depressed, they didn’t know how to communicate and he never saw his parents disagree/fight so he didn’t know that it is normal to have to work at your marriage.

That said, I think you should definitely ask your husband to attend counseling and explore what else could be going on with him. There may be a fundamental difference in your communication style that is hindering your relationship. I think it is worth exploring before you throw in the towel on such a big commitment. I find it hard to believe that he proposed with out having been in love.

I know that you are feeling immense pain and definitely feel for you. I wish you all the best and hope that maybe there is something else going on. Best of luck!

PS Elizabeth, my husband and I continue to be so impressed with your talent and that you take the time to write a personal note on our order receipt and on the Christmas card we received. Thank you so much! I love my Totally Laime tee that my husband purchased for me for Christmas!!!

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