Orrrr NOT. At least not this year.
See, I’m seven and a half months pregnant and as much as I’ve tried to fight it, this massive life change has… well, created change! My regular go-getter type of resolutions are taking a sabbatical this year in lieu of something that’s high time for me to try.
Just a few examples of what’s different ’bout moi: For one, I’m slower than I used to be. In all ways. I’m more interested in finding the right fluffy rug for the nursery than I am in writing a spec script. I don’t work out enough. Or at all. I cry over bread pudding instead of career rejection. I spend hours daydreaming about what my daughter will look like instead of how I’m going to pitch my show idea.
For many years I’ve been reaching, striving, hoping, needing, and hustling, non stop. The entertainment/ comedy industry can be a brutal bitch and it takes some fight to stay in the game. Some people can do this in a balanced manner but I’m not that kind of gal. Truthfully, this grind has kept me from fully appreciating all that I have – an incredible husband, adorable pets, a modest and wonderful home, a capable mind, a healthy body, an active imagination – but for the last five years it’s always been about what I don’t have, what I want to get, what’s next, who’s getting theirs, how I can achieve more ~ more! more! more! I’ve been sitting on this cozy cushion that is my real life, not even realizing it because my butt muscles have been perpetually clenched, my neck strained, my arms reaching out into the void, wanting, needing, yearning. I couldn’t even appreciate how comfortable I could have been all this time if I had just relaxed a little.
This is not to say that ambition is bad – quite the opposite. I love setting goals, I love that my husband is incredibly talented, hard working, and ambitious. I’m inspired by ambition. I love dreaming about our future career achievements, our “baller” house, and the fabulous life we’ll lead if/when x, y, and z happen. But now’s not the time for that and it’s taken a pregnancy and soon-to-be baby to recognize that… Because. Well…
I. Is. Tired.
It’s a time for me to relax those gluteals – gluteus aspiration and gluteus desperation. The butt hustle. It’s time to sink into that marvelously soft and cozy cushion that is my actual life that I’m so incredibly blessed to have.
So, without further ado, here are my resolutions!
Resolution # 1. Unclench
This one is partially taken care of for me because I no longer have any muscle tone. I kid, I kid (sort of) but in reality this might be the hardest one. It’s letting go of the reach and letting myself drop into what just IS. Enjoying our lovely home instead of trolling real estate websites endlessly looking for the dream home we can’t afford (unless we achieve! Climb higher! Conquer!) It’s taking a nap when my daughter does and not apologizing to an unfinished script or the load of laundry or myself. It’s podcasting three times a week because I love doing it and I love our listeners and not because I hope it turns into something else more lucrative. It’s taking my eye off the prize, not gripping it OR ripping it, and I suppose it means I’m going home because I’m definitely no longer going hard.
Resolution #2: Enjoy.
I’m going to allow myself to enjoy the following fully! (Meaning not ONLY if I’ve achieved certain things or feel that i’m deserving enough):
~ My husband. sometimes I forget that he’s the best person in the world. and I don’t even mean that he’s the best just for me; my husband is actually THE BEST person in the world and I often get so blinded by what we need to be doing, how I’m getting to the next level, how I can accomplish more, etc. that I forget that I’m the lucky asshole who gets to spend every day with the person who is the greatest human being on earth, ever, amen.
~ My baby. This one’s a doozy. Soooo, I’ve had no choice but to let go of the image I’ve had of myself of being a “perfect” pregnant lady ( you know the one, she walks every day, does yoga three times a week, eats super healthy even though, oops! She does indulge in the occasional craving of some chocolate ice cream – don’t tell!)
My reality has been four months of debilitating morning sickness, eating anything that sounds remotely appealing (which has mostly been egg and cheese croissants) not working out really at all because I haven’t had the energy, and P.S. the nursery is still just an empty nook off the kitchen with a bunch of boxes in it.
I’ve felt really crappy about this contrast. I SO wanted to be lady A, but I think this reality check is probably really good preparation for Motherhood.
I’m right here, right now, declaring that I will not be a “perfect” mom, but I WILL be a mom who enjoys the snot out of her baby. I already love her SO much having not even met her! I’m going to snuggle and smell and hold and feed that baby and luxuriate in the sweet surrender to the moment instead of freaking out about my growing to-do list or the baby book I haven’t started yet or how much I weigh. Huzzah!
~ My pets. I’m going to spend more time just fucking petting them and feeling how soft their fur is and how adorable their little faces are and feel that pleasure. Why don’t I do this already? It’s the best and it’s so simple!
~ My friends. I have the greatest friends. This is one of the scenarios I am REALLY looking forward to this year: Andy is at home, watching the baby, I’m out to dinner with my girlfriends, drinking a few glasses of wine, laughing and crying with them as we do. This year, I’m going to wrap myself up in that magical feeling and laugh fully and let my heart break fully ~ just ENJOY being with them. Whether or not I do/don’t have exciting career news to share or if I’m covered head to toe in spit up and my breasts are leaking will not change the fact that I am going to enjoy the hell out of those dinners with those incredible gals. And you’d better believe I’m going to enjoy those glasses of wine
~ Eating. I’m going to enjoy the food I eat. Period. This is not a weight thing or anti-diet thing. This is mostly just that I haven’t really enjoyed food the way I used to for seven and a half months and I cannot wait to eat food that tastes good! I’ll eat the food I’ll eat and I’ll enjoy the food I eat. The. End.
~ My podcasts. What started out as a just for fun thing that Andy and I did has snowballed into something much bigger than we ever imagined. I’m proud of it, and I love doing them ~ it has been an amazing ride. I’m going to get back to purely enjoying podcasting because I love it as opposed to doing it because I hope it turns into a talk show or book deal. I will trust those things will happen if and when they’re meant to but I’m going to enjoy the ride regardless!
Resolution #3: Be gentle.
This is a fail safe for my resolutions this year. I know I will have frazzled days where I’m taking my cushion for granted, not enjoying my blessings and the old feelings of freaking out about not “doing enough” to get ahead will creep in. Those old butt hustle muscles will clench up and I’ll feel like I’m failing and that’s totally fine. Forgiveness is all part of the sink in. When those days happen – and oh I know they will! I’ll just let it go, take a deep breath, and smile at my husband, feel my baby in my arms, or pet my dog and remind myself:
Damn, that cushion feels gooooood.
What are your resolutions for 2014? Leave in the comments!
Oh, and a big, fat, love-filled: Happy New Year to you all!