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A Photastrophy!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 133

Elizabeth and Andy discuss his recent attempt to reconcile what’s going on in photos of him and whether or not he is as good looking as he thinks he is (he is says Elizabeth!) plus answers to listener questions about finding human contact and attention with someone when you aren’t looking for a serious relationship and are shy by nature, how to support a great boss who is newly pregnant, what to do for a husband who is incapable of using public restrooms, how to navigate getting rid of unwanted roommates who are also your friends, and how to move on from the hope of a relationship that never panned out the way it was supposed to? Enjoy!


Amber says:

To the two couples living together…if you do end up HAVING to stay in the current arrangement, why dont you have the couple staying with you move in to the master bedroom? This way the bathroom and closet issues are both solved.

Jeanenne says:

To the couple with the pain in the butt other couple living with them: The law may vary a bit from NY state law, but a month to month lease usually just needs 30 days notice. Just give them written notice, mailed via certified mail so you have a paper trail. If they don’t move at the end of the 30 days you can escalate and have them forcibly removed. Get your house back!!

Ashlee says:

Just thinking about the family who has the other couple living with them – I agree that it’s creepy to have the dude’s closet in the little girl’s room, but remember, the couple was there before the family even moved in. It was probably his closet already, and another place where the family should have set up boundaries from the very beginning (“we are moving in now, so you’ll need to move all your things into your bedroom”, or something).

April Mae says:

As a speech language pathologist intern, I would like to answer the baby talk question Elizabeth and Andy had. A child’s first word typically occurs anywhere between 7 – 12 months. After one years old and given the child language exposure is monolingual, typically the child’s vocabulary greatly expands with each month there after. If the child is exposed to multiple languages, the child’s language may differ for this norm, and this is not to say exposure to multiple languages is a bad thing because it’s definitely not. A great book for parents wanting to know about child language development is ‘Beyond Baby Talk’ by Apel and Masterson.

O-Shen Christ says:

once again we see your listeners are so smart!!!! why do they listen to you guys?? ROFL!!!

Shea says:

Andy, oh my gosh I feel the same way about how I look in photos too! I heard on a Radiolab episode about Symmetry, that no ones face is fully symmetrical and you look different in the mirror than you do in photos cause the image is flipped. We are just so used to seeing ourselves in mirrors that the photos look ‘weird’ to us.

O-Shen Christ says:

yeah sometimes Andy looks scary but others he looks very dapper!!!

Kay says:

To the whole photogenic “who am I?” thing. When you look at your face in the mirror you are seeing the reverse of how it actually looks. So you are SO used to seeing it that way, it can look weird in photographs because most faces are asymmetrical (some much more so). Elizabeth, your face is quite symmetrical and that lends to a more photogenic face. Rest assured you both look great in person!

Kat says:

To the dude working as a Hollywood assistant – my first assistant gig at a film studio was for a pregnant lady, and I spent a lot of time getting her water to drink. Always had a fresh pitcher and glass for her, and you’re right on with scheduling. Later meetings in the morning are great, and try to avoid scheduling things back-to-back if you can, so she can have a beat to rest or use the bathroom between meetings. After she returned from maternity leave I avoided scheduling meetings later in the afternoon (when possible) so she could be home in time for dinner, and I had to learn how to delicately bodyguard her office space when she was pumping breast milk and people would try to rush in for a quick meeting. I’d just make sure to keep her door locked and tell people she was on a “personal phone call.” I also crocheted her a baby blanket and hat but if you’re not crafty, remember that she’ll be getting expensive/fancy baby gifts from her colleagues – something sweet and personal from you that doesn’t cost a lot of money would be great when the time comes. Could be a basket of muffins and hot chocolate mixes or something for pampering.

Shari says:

The conversation about how you guys appear in photos could have been me and my husband talking! I have always feared that I look better in photos than I do in motion in real life! (In photos you can’t see the funny thing that happens with my mouth when I talk… 🙂 And my husband is an attractive man but develops “Chandler” face in photos.

I think you guys should start a photo submission segment on Facebook for photogenic wives and their non-photogenic husbands. The husbands have to agree to the submission, of course!

audrie says:

From one anxiety-ridden suburban femme to another:

As far as I know, there aren’t any solid “fuck apps” that cater specifically to females seeking females…In my experience, OkCupid is an easy way to find queer ladies without the expectation of anything serious or relationshipy. It costs $0 and is entertaining, even if you don’t make a connection. is also a great way to get involved with more lesbian/queer specific culture. You may have luck building a community through meet-ups, local LGBTQ events, etc.

If all else fails, attend a musical event featuring female singer songwriters. Acoustic guitars, adult beverages, mood lighting, asymmetrical haircuts…As Andy said, “there’s a lotta ladies out there that are…gonna be excited to meet ya.”

Jimothy says:

Hey I’m writing to say that a guy coming from the outlook of being “Friendzoned” is hogwash. I am sure there are some women/gals out there who take advantage of knowing a dude is pining for her and waiting for his shot at the big leagues or a guy doing the same thing in leading someone on. But you know what there is no real thing as “Friendzoned” its a weak excuse that someone, male or female who did not make their intentions known. And I would surmise from past experience that it would not have been reciprocated. So thus there was no chance to ever get the girl like some John Hughes movie. There is something more to the “friendzone” argument that I think people don’t want to accept and thats that the other said person was never into the other person and thats that or if there was a chance that the other person liked them no one did anything about it.

Phew. I hope people get this and know that the excuse or blaming of this faux thing can be abolished and people get the guts to go after the person they want and get vulnerable.
Cheers. Sorry for the rant. I obviously used to think I got “friendzoned” but its fake and a lie to ourselves.

squashblossom says:

THANK YOU so much for saying that! I agree, and I can honestly say that (when I was single/dating) I was never “friendzoned” because I would actually just come out and tell the person my intentions, and if they didn’t go for it, then that’s their loss. Yes, it’s hard to do. But if you never make it clear to the person that you’re non-platonically interested in them, then you can’t blame them for treating you like just a friend because that’s what you are! Plus it implies that there’s something wrong with being “just friends”…and that’s fucked up, because friendships are valuable too.

There’s also this thing of, even if you tell the other person you’re interested and they say no, it’s okay to hang around and pine after them anyway because eventually they’ll come around. It happens in the movies, so it’s true, right? But I think you should always take the other person’s “no” at face value and not treat it as a “maybe-no” or a “no…until you make some grand romantic gesture that wins me over.” It doesn’t generally work that way, and it makes you seem creepy and will probably torpedo your chances of actually being REAL friends with that person.

Meg says:

on behalf of my homie doubletree I gotta say it ain’t nothin to sneeze at man that place is fancy as fuck, the only other good place to stay at here in sb is probs the biltmore which i like to think is like doubletree’s gran✌️anyway holla guys, y’all the best

Chris P says:

To the couple with the other couple living in their house, talk to a lawyer. Generally you can give written notice on a 30 day lease to kick them out, but landlord-tenant law varies from state to state and doing something wrong is a real easy way to end up in small claims court. A conversation with a lawyer now can save more of a headache later.

Masha says:

Before they started dating, Richard Nixon used to drive his wife on dates with other guys. So it’s not unprecedented. I so wish the writer-inner had been open with his feelings with this girl. I understand what it’s like to pine for someone and to assume/hope you’ll eventually end up together. The chance with this girl has passed and I wonder whether it would be helpful for the writer-inner to talk to this girl. Not to finally ask her out or anything since she’s married and happily so, but just to have a conversation about the fact that he’s always been interested in her. I had a crush on a guy friend a few years ago that was probably unrequited, and when we were both in happy relationships with other people, I brought it up in a casual way, letting him know I had had a crush on him before. We were comfortable with each other so it was fine, and it was nice to be honest with him with the understanding that the conversation wouldn’t lead anywhere romantic (since we were both in relationships with other people). Perhaps if the writer-inner talks it out and hears about the whole situation from the girl’s perspective (did she know he was interested? was she ever interested in him?), it might answer some questions and help him move on. It also might make her more sensitive about the way she treats him, such as not dishing to him about her marriage or anything like that. There’s a risk of course that it would make it worse, such as if she says that she always liked him and was just waiting for him to make the first move, and now it’s too late. It’s something he’ll have to decide.

The biggest thing that he can do now is (like Elizabeth and Andy said) to leave behind the idea that he needs to be stable financially and career-wise before starting to date. You hear from lots of couples that the best time in their relationship was when they were just starting out and struggling. These days, many people aren’t more stable until their mid 30s or 40s, and by then, many of your potential dating partners are married off! No reason to wait, and I think that having a significant other can make those years of financial instability so much less stressful, because at least you have someone to hold when times are tough.

GuanoLad says:

I think the image we have of ourselves is always different to reality and what others see. But consider how you assess people you sort of half know, such as friends of friends, neighbours, or the staff at the corner store. They may have a unique haircut, or a mole on their chin, or walk with a limp, but that’s not how you judge them, it’s just part of their character and how you recognise them.

Well, most other people see you the same way.

You may have an image of yourself as way better looking than you appear in photos, but everybody else just sees you as ‘the allocated space in their brain marked as “you.”‘ Just as you do that for others.

Claire says:

For the couple living with the other couple: raise the rent a bunch. This leads to one of two outcomes: 1) they leave, or 2) they stay and you make way more off of them. That’s a common thing agencies will do when people ask them to do projects. Just an idea 🙂

Shelby says:

Writer inner here.. the one with the roommates. Sorry it took so long for the update! The situation hasn’t changed BUT one thing has changed, he no longer has my daughters closet anymore. I put a lot of thought into that after you said something. We know them very well but it doesn’t matter, I need to know my daughter is safe at all times so he’s out of there.
Anyways, My boyfriend and I have talked and talked and talked until our faces turned blue. He fully understands that I hate this year long situation were in but this is what we agreed to and I guess they are helping us financially, especially since were trying to catch up after the holidays. So I am working on my issues and trying to make the best of this… but raising the rent is in the works! 🙂 These people are paying $500 a month, which comes down to $250 a person!!! Which doesn’t even cover half of the utilities/mortgage.. not to mention pool chemicals when winter is over. You couldn’t even stay in the dirtiest rat infested hotel for that cheap.. We haven’t let them know yet but it will be happening this week.. maybe that will give them some motivation to go find a different place.
That’s about all I have as an update. Me and my boyfriend are doing great but it’s taken us months to understand each others sides and stay calm about the things that piss us off. Thanks for reading my question and giving so much feedback about it. I agree with you Andy.. Who the fuck do these people think they are?!
I can’t wait to look back in a year or two and laugh at this.
Love you guys!

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