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Keying Cars & Karma!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 137

E and A discuss the recent bad news regarding their car :( as well as their productive day of getting ready for baby – Birth bag! Car seat! Annnnd… Padsickles? Then they answer listener questions about feeling hurt over not being a bridesmaid, navigating a difficult relationship that is heading towards co-dependency, finding new friends/relationships wherein you can discuss your emotions freely, how to convince your husband that couples therapy isn’t only for the end, and lastly, how/when to tell potential partners that you have an STD when you are back in the dating game. Enjoy!

25 Comments!

Deuce city chick says:

Sittin on the toilet, dropping a deucer, trying not to laugh so my stall neighbor doesn’t think I’m a freak

Bill w says:

I too listen to this podcast on the crapper! Helps pass the time while I struggle. High five fellow podcast pooper!

Cynthia says:

If you’re not listening to pods while you poop, you’re not doing it right. Sometimes I find myself forgetting to get off the toilet because I’m too enthralled. Andy helps loosen the bowels with his humor.

Amy G. says:

Elizabeth, I’m so sorry to hear about your car getting keyed. That’s horrible! :-( Whoever did that is such a giant douche. Also, bought my shirt earlier this morning before hearing your podcast. What a coincidence! Lol!

To the sister who is upset about not being a bridesmaid. I agree with Elizabeth, I really think the bride didn’t want to put the stress on you to feel obligated to travel back to the country for her wedding. I had a similar situation with my close cousin who was in the military during the time of my wedding. When I had initially told her I was getting married she told me she wasn’t even sure she’d be able to come to the wedding. Knowing that, I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t want her to feel obligated or guilty if she wasn’t able to come and had that pressure of being apart of the wedding party. I wish I would have explained that to her initially.

Kat says:

To the writer-inner struggling with a friend who has a physical disability: you saying that you feel like you’re putting a lot into the friendship without getting a lot out of it is the real issue, I think, not necessarily the disability. I think you’re right to examine what you’re getting out of the friendship just as you would with anyone else, and that you’re not obligated to feel any differently about her because of her mobility issues.

One of my good friends that I’ve known since we were preteens is blind, and those of us who’ve grown up with her have forgotten about her disability numerous times. One time when we were teenagers we all got up from the table at a restaurant and started to walk off; she had to say, “uh, hey guys!” because we don’t think of her as being blind *first* and it had slipped our minds to lend her an elbow as we left the restaurant. Now, we know someone’s always going to have to pick her up when she comes to visit (we’re from L.A. where we have to drive everywhere), if we want to see a movie we’ll ideally go to the accessible theater that’s sort of far, her dog will come with us most places, and there’s some other adjustments we make.

That said, there’s all sorts of imbalanced friendships that have nothing to do with disability. I struggle with depression, and have tried really hard to remove myself from certain friendships before becoming a burden on my friends. I’ve also had to cut out friendships where the other person has been all about their needs and dramas and not giving to me in any way. So I’m basically seconding E&A, but urging the writer-inner to take the value of the friendship into account just as she would with anyone else – do you enjoy this girl’s company and her jokes and whatever else she offers you as a friend more than you were annoyed by her immaturity/neediness on the trip? Or do you feel like you don’t get enough from the relationship? That’s what to pay attention to.

Also, traveling with *any* friend can be a massive pain in the ass and damage the relationship regardless. Some people are just incompatible travel partners! Maybe situations like that are just not good medicine for you and her.

Good luck!

Emily says:

Sorry to hear about the car getting keyed, although is it really necessary to fix it? It seems like it is more of an aesthetic thing, than actually affecting the performance of the car, so is it possible to just accept it as a battle wound and save the $1,200? Maybe sometime down the road (bad car pun), when you have $1,200 to burn, you could fix it then?

Elizabeth says:

Thanks Emily! And ohhh how I wish we could not fix it but because we lease the car we have to fix it ourselves or get charged more on the back-end, also there’s the risk that it will rust which would just make it that much more expensive. Uggh! Just one of life’s little joys :)

Megan says:

Elizabeth, will insurance cover it? My bumper was ripped off my car when I was away and insurance covered it under uninsured motorist. And after I filed a police report they took care of my deductible too. Just something you could look into.

O-Shen Christ says:

Perhaps a totally popping podcast is in the future hosted by Andy??

O-Shen Christ says:

I agree I was thinking the same thing plus now that it’s already been keyed not to worry about anymore scratches getting on-less stress

Becca says:

I was going to suggest insurance as well! I’m so sorry that happened, Elizabeth, such an awful feeling that you did nothing and now are stuck with the bill. I hope something pulls through for you guys!

Christina says:

I’m not liking this guy who scratched up your car. I saw all us lameweds be on the looked out for a guy parking over the line and keying cars. And you didn’t say this I’m pretty sure, but I think he must have an old-timey evil villain mustache.

Katie says:

First of all I’m so sorry about your car that is ridiculous and unfortunate and the last thing you guys need.

But I just had to comment and say that Andy was so great in this episode! Of course I always enjoy Andy but today he was so chatty and full of great advice that he was really getting into and I thought it was the cutest thing haha. You two are the best, keep it up!

Kay says:

I definitely agree, he sounded like he was feeling good and really into it! They both sounded so sweet in the beginning announcement :)

O-Shen Christ says:

Yes and his observations that most relationships are based on guilt was spot on

Max says:

Hey guys,

I have some advice/thoughts on the disabled woman who always apologizes for stuff because she feels like a burden to people. I have 3 close friends who have feeling like a burden to their close friends in common. Two of those friends have diagnosed mental illness and have been treated like a burden by people because of it. The other had his heart broken by someone who made him feel like a burden. I really don’t feel like giving someone who is already tough on themselves tough love is a good idea. I think the regular kind of love would work best. One of those friends has the chronic “I’m sorries” worse than the other 2. I’ve known him for about 6 months. About 3 months into that friendship I brought up the fact that he apologizes far too much. and I calmly told him he has no reason to apologize like he always does. I have had to separately, calmly let those 3 friends know that they are never, have never, and will never be a burden to me. it sounds like that writer-inner is very close with that friend/coworker if they’d take a vacation together. and it seems like she obviously cares if she’s written in with this question. I think feeling like a burden to someone often has to do with the constant thought that the person feels as though they aren’t worth enough to be worried about and are something that needs to be forgiven.

Ginger says:

Sucks about the car, but don’t worry, carma will get him ;) About the sister hurt at not being a bridesmaid, it sounds to me like her little sister was just saving her all the headaches of being a bridesmaid, but including her on the fun stuff! Picking the dress, shoes, and helping plan is fun! Although I think she should have at least addressed it, maybe she just wanted her sisters to be able to enjoy the wedding, especially knowing that she couldn’t be a bridesmaid anyway!

Also, I can’t remember which podcast I heard it on (I listened to one episode of all three today) but E was talking about frozen witch hazel pads for her post Oprah vagina. You took the words right outta my mouth, “have you ever squeezed a baby out of your penis?!?!?!” I’m telling you from experience, it is the greatest thing EVER!!! The pads, that is :)

Lucy says:

Hi guys,

Just wanted to share some thoughts for the writer-inner with herpes. I was so frustrated to hear that this woman’s (soon to be ex) husband was so judgmental about herpes. Elizabeth and Andy are spot on: herpes is _very_ common. In fact, the majority of people never show symptoms and don’t have enough in their system for it to show up during testing (from the link below). One of my college friends got an STD test before sleeping with her boyfriend (and had him get one as well). Both came back with a clean bill of health, but soon after having sex she got her first outbreak. That means one of them had it, but still tested clean and had never had symptoms. Which is perhaps a long-winded way of saying your husband has an extremely high probability of having herpes by now, despite all his judg-iness.

But as for future partners, seems like a good idea to tell them. If they do get an outbreak after sleeping with you they’re likely to be really pissed that you didn’t tell them. At least you can give them the comforting news that it’s relatively likely that they already have it anyway!

P.S. When I Google’d herpes I found this website on the “Honest-to-God Guide to STDs”: http://markmanson.net/std-guide . It even has a rough estimate of about how many people you’d need to have unprotected sex with to get each STD (for example, syphilis: about 10,000 partners; herpes: about 5 partners).

Kate says:

Dear lady who left the voicemail about your sister not picking you as a bridesmaid. This is happening to me right now – and I also live abroad! Except my sister (who I thought I had a great relationship with) has actually asked all of our other siblings (my brother, AND our 2 other sisters) to be in the wedding party. Yes. And like your sister, she also did not really address the issue, even on my recent visit home (instead just told me how excited she was to have our OTHER siblings in the party). Then over the course of my weekend visit with her and her fiance, she got the idea that I should officiate (is that the word?) their wedding (like get a degree online to be able to conduct the ceremony). Except she had not previously discussed this with her fiance, so it was obviously this weird pity-ridden afterthought. Incidentally I loathe public speaking. So, now I don’t even know if her fiance is on board for this (since he looked as surprised as I was), and I have to find a way to tell her thanks but no thanks, while resisting the urge to say … can’t wait to buy that $1000 plane ticket to go and observe YOUR family event! So as to the question of what to do about it, as you can see I’m also pissed off so I am naturally sympathetic. And I hate to say it, but I’m probably not going to say anything to her about it. And, it might drive a bit of a wedge between us, but to some extent – it’s true, I live in another country. I won’t be flying to her wedding and ALSO flying to Vegas a few months before to drink out of penis straws. It’s just not going to happen. My thing is, I wish people weren’t so fucking traditional about weddings. Why can’t a bridesmaid just stand up there with you? Does it cost her money for me to get an unflattering eggplant-colored strapless dress? No. So what is the problem. In conclusion, I feel ya sister and also don’t know what to do!

Kate says:

Elizabeth I am not spamming you I promise, but I happen to also have a lot to say about this herpes question! Here goes:

Like Lucy’s college friend, when I was in college almost 10 years ago I went with the guy I was dating for an STD test before we had unprotected sex. Clean bill of health, and then. . . herpes. I assumed I must have gotten it from a previous partner and was now just having my first symptoms. A few months later I broke up with him because I realized he was mentally unstable and was becoming both possessive and obsessive. At the end of that conversation, he revealed that he knew he had herpes and gave it to me on purpose because ‘now no one else would want me, and he was the only one who would ever understand and accept me for it.’ It was terrible.
Now over the course of these past 10 years I’ve had every reaction possible, including one or two boyfriends who would like to throw it in my face from time to time, so I understand that too.
Here are my lessons learned: 1 – if I’m not having an episode, and I am taking the valtrex every day, AND there is a condom, I have on rare occasions (maybe 2-3 times) had casual sex without telling the guy. I know I might go to hell for this, but there it is. 2 – since that dark day back in college, I have had 3 significant relationships, i.e. no condoms and each was consistently exposed over a long period. None of them ever had an episode. From my anecdotal experience and that of some female friends, I feel like this is yet another woman’s problem because we seem to be the ones who suffer the symptoms far more than men. just a theory. 3 – - if i like a guy and think I want a relationship, I definitely do not sleep with him without telling him. but, I also try my best to wait a month. Put yourself in his shoes – if he doesn’t know you well enough to know his feelings for you yet, it might make him apprehensive (and for good reason, herpes sucks). I think it’s right to let the relationship develop at least a little bit, so that if you tell him and he acts like a dick about it you can confidently feel like it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. 4- about taking valtrex every day, as best I can tell there are no significant side effects (that was know of yet), but I also do not love taking it if I don’t have to. for me, nowadays I’m single and not looking for casual sex, so I only take it if I’m actively having an episode. when i’m in a relationship however, i do take 500mg a day. allegedly it helps reduce the likelihood that you will transmit it your partner (which my experience would support, however I think this could also bullshit that the pharmaceutical company says to sell more pills), but more so because it really sucks to have to say ‘no not tonight honey, i have a herpes lesion.’ 5 – you have nothing to feel ashamed about. maybe you know that, but in order to feel it we need to keep reminding ourselves :)

Wishing you all the best!

I had a thought regarding the woman who called in about her sister who didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. I liked your assessment of perhaps WHY the sisters weren’t asked to be in the wedding, but I am wondering if maybe it’s because the bride knows her sister doesn’t like the husband-to-be (which I think she mentioned at the beginning of her call.) That is a really hard/impossible thing to talk about. You tell your sister that you don’t like her husband-to-be and you risk her cutting you off. On the other hand, if the bride confronts her older sister and tells her, “You’re not a bridesmaid and it’s because I know you don’t like my fiance,” then that could open the same can o’ worms. Who knows…It’s just another possible scenario I thought of. A touchy subject regardless!

Emily says:

A little late….

It was so great to hear the bridesmaid question. I recently found out that I was not going to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding that I was CERTAIN I’d be in. I’m really glad that you said to not say anything until after the wedding. I almost brought it up immediately when my friend listed off her bridesmaids. I don’t want to bring it up to her because it seems childish, but if I ever do I now know to wait until after, much after, the wedding.

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