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Freebie Freeze-Out!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 138

Elizabeth and Andy discuss his newest costco purchase/foray into “health” before diving into some very interesting listener questions about our Freebie’s, how to navigate requesting money owed to you from relatives, how to move past a betrayal in a relationship, what to do in a relationship when one partner is hyper critical of the other, and whether leaving your home, relationship, friends and family to pursue a dream is really worth it. Enjoy!


Chasity says:

In regards to the first question, about the guy/girl in a relationship who are struggling due to him not being happy with how she does things…i had to stop really quick and say i have a completely different perspective on ur comment…you said you can’t believe he would rather have a dirty house than have her clean it…isn’t what i hear at all..i hear her saying her boyfriend woulda rather her just leave the house dirty bc she doesn’t clean it up to his standards..maybe meaning it takes more work for him to go around and re clean what he didn’t feel was
right…that’s what i heard, please correct me if I’m hearing things really wrong here!
Besides all that..I LOVE THE SHOWS

done properly, so he would prefer she just leave it

Shea says:

OMG ANDY! I totally agree about inconsistent iced coffee!! My tip is to get an iced Americano because they have to brew a fresh shot everyone so it can’t get stale, then it’s diluted with water so it’s similar to iced coffee. I also started using the Starbucks Iced Via packets and I love them!! It’s 6$ for 5 pouches, they come sweetened, just add cold water and ice and they are perfect every time!

Masha says:

Andy was absolutely hilarious when he was avoiding saying that he understood that the freebies aren’t actually free. I was cracking up πŸ™‚

Cory says:

I hope the writer inner makes the move-Andy’s right, its good if she can find friends of friends that can be contacts her in her new city. Not a huge deal but worth feeling around.
I recently moved from Philly to Asheville, and although I have some family here, it would’ve been helpful to have some professional contacts. I’m also married, so it’s great to have one friend here, because makin friends is hard (I work with a bunch of teenagers).
Sooooo maybe you should consider moving to Asheville πŸ˜‰

Murtaza says:

Hahaha Andy is right on about the freebie rule. But only if the freebie encounter happens in a natural, cool setting like on a Cruise… Soooo when I run into Jennifer Lawrence, we’re totally gonna get, it, on.

hey andy and elizabeth,

does your cat have abnormally smelly poops? or perhaps you have an open litter box? Either way, if you havent heard of feline pine, you should try it with your cat. it will help with the smells, and is eco friendly.

O-Shen Christ says:

i’ve told you before about covered cat litter boxes and they have a filter in them to keep smell out of room!!! jeez guys get on the ball I mean your only pregnant not dumb! LOL

Christina says:

I want to encourage your writer-inner who is thinking about moving. I say, do it!

I moved from the Midwest in my mid-20s, and it was (yes) really, really hard. I cried because I was homesick. I regretted my decision. I was miserable — for about a month. But I made friends. I started discovering my city. Everything was such an adventure. I honestly think that experience was the best thing I could ever have done.

I heard someone say once that you only grow by way things that are difficult. I know it’s not easy, but don’t let that hold you back. I used to be really shy and insecure. I have a lot more confidence in myself after my experience. If I can do that, I can do so many other things.

To the writer-inner, consider why you’ve had a relationship with this guy what has a definite end-point. He sounds like a cool person, but maybe part of what you like about him is that he doesn’t tie you down. If so, the kind of guy (or guys — who says you can’t play the field for awhile) you might want to end up with someday are out there.

Sorry this is long, but whether you take A’s or E’s advice, I hope you take the plunge. Give it a year. Everything will still be there in 12 months if you decide you’d rather be back at your old home. You’d be surprised by how little changes. And even if you do someday move back, I bet you that you’ll be glad you gave your dreams a shot.

Writer-Inner says:

Hi Christina – I’m the writer-inner, thanks so much for your comment, that is incredibly solid and helpful advice! It sounds like moving ended up being a very positive thing for you and I like how you mentioned you were miserable (you were realistic about the situation) but I’m glad it ended up working out great for you in the end. I’m leaning more towards going, I would say I’m 60/40 at this point but of course pulling the trigger is terrifying. I loved both Andy & Elizabeth’s advice for different reasons, but knowing me, I have to have a safety net and would need to find a job before I moved out there. Again, thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!

Lauren says:

I think this is great advice and it’s good to hear from someone who did it and acknowledges that it can be very hard. I can relate to the writer-inner because I’ve lived in the same place all my life (Denver, which is actually an amazing city and I do really love it) but really have always wanted to live somewhere different, especially somewhere near the ocean. I’m almost 29 as well and worry that my “window” to take chances and move somewhere random just because I want to has kind of closed now that I am more settled in my career, married and own a house with my husband. There’s no *reason* for us to go anywhere other than a vague yearning to try something new. But, when that yearning doesn’t go away, I think it’s important to follow it and not just settle for your current circumstances, even if they are objectively good. You have to follow your heart even when it’s not always practical. Life would be pretty blah if it were ALWAYS about the practical. So, check it out and see what kind of job opportunities there are in the place you want to go. You can start putting feelers out and meeting people out there, even if online, and try to make the potential move more “real” and then see how you feel about it. Best of luck!

Emily says:

I LOVE MY NUTRIBULLET! I have had a smoothie every morning since I got mine. Here’s my go-to recipe:
-handful of spinach (dark, leafy greens are really good, especially if you are vegetarian and need that iron! I’ve also tried kale, chard, collard greens, etc., but spinach is the most neutral flavor)
– half a banana (either fresh, or frozen)
– half an apple (mainly because I always have apple’s on hand)
-a few spoonfuls of greek yogurt (again, for us veggies, a good source of protein! and I’m not a big fan of eating yogurt on its own, so putting it in a smoothie is perfect for me)
– a spoonful of ground flax seed (it’s super good for you! I buy it in bulk, then using the milling blade, grind it, and keep it in a jar in my pantry and throw a spoonful in every morning)
– a spoonful of whatever frozen fruit I have on hand (blueberries, peaches, etc.)

I don’t use any sort of sweetener, but you could easily add in some honey, agave, jam, etc. And if you want a delicious desert treat, I blend up a bunch of frozen banana, a little milk, a bit of nutella. It’s a like a perfect nutella ice-cream, minus all that cream and sugar!

I mainly use mine for smoothies, but I’ve also used it to make caesar dressing, hollandaise, and a bunch of other thinks. Basically it’s way easier to use and clean than my food processor, so it’s essentially replaced that!

Keep us updated on your NutriBullet adventures!

Tayler says:

I use my nutribullet everyday.

Kale, ginger, blueberries, and lemon is my favorite smoothie.

I also make vegan icecream with it.
-Frozen banana
-coconut milk
-peanut butter
-coco powder

Jesse says:

Pre-made β€œgreen” ice cubes:
Fresh squeezed orange juice (just enough to help blend)

Raw flax seeds
Raw chia seeds
Raw almonds
Dried goji berries

Fresh Beets
Fresh Carrots
Frozen Blueberries
Frozen Pineapple
Frozen black cherries
Frozen pomegranate seeds
Fresh squeezed orange juice (instead of water)

gp watson says:

just wondering if paul rudd’s lip synch performance on jimmy fallon has cemented his spot as elizabeth’s freebie or knocked him off the list…

ps my wife and i discussed freebies this a.m. after i recounted your hilarious discussion and we both agreed that if the other could somehow actual get the chance to sleep with gael garcia bernal and salma hayek respectively-that we should 100% go for it and we’d be thrilled for each other making that fantasy happen. of course the odds of either of us sealing those deals make it pretty much an academic excercise-but fingers crossed.

a says:

I agree entirely with the advice A and E gave to the writer inner who has the boyfriend who “just cuddled all night” with his crush. Seriously. SO manipulative to try to make you feel like that was normal or OK in any way. It sounds like the writter inner has already decided to try to let this go and move on. That makes me worried, as it did for Elizabeth – but of course you know the whole situation best, and what your relationship is like outside of this incident. It will take time to rebuild that trust though, and I’d want to make sure he understands why that was wrong and is commited to earning your trust back. You are not being unreasonably sensitive about this, this was a huge betrayal of your relationship. Has he thought about how he would feel if the situation was reversed? I’m sure it would feel awful for him, why does he expect you to be ok with it?

BF has a Crush says:

Hey A,

I’m the writer-inner. I asked my boyfriend how he would feel if the situation were reversed and he said he would be happy for me that I would be getting something that makes me happy when he can’t give it to me. It’s so confusing. He says all that matters is that we love each other and that should be enough.

K says:

It is NOT ok that he’s doing this to you! Like they said, he’s being manipulative and cruel. If he loved you he would want to be cuddling with YOU not with just anyone. Get out of that relationship immediately. He’s incredibly selfish and you deserve better.

Lauren says:

Great episode! It’s funny, I can really tell that Andy is getting into communicating his opinions and talking more on the pod. He’s been on fire lately! You guys are so funny. E, I say just let the man have his freebie. Andy knows he’d be in the shit if the freebie ever happened, and the likelihood is so extraordinarily slim (sorry Andy) that maybe it’s best he just have his little “never say never” in his mind. Besides, Paul Rudd?! He’s my freebie too! Don’t close the door on Paul Rudd!

For the writer-inner with the hyper critical fiance – I think you are right, E, that it shouldn’t be that hard. Every relationship has its bumps and the little things about each other that are annoying and lead to bickering and yes, maybe some criticism. But if the person you are with consistently makes you feel like “less than,” and being around them doesn’t make you feel safe, confident and supported, it’s a red flag for sure. One thing that could be going on is him acting out because of both the fear of impending commitment and a feeling of “safety” to be a little more lax and less kind to your partner once you’re engaged and getting closer to locking it down. I have to admit I’ve been more critical and bitchier to my husband since we’ve been married. I think the little things can get magnified because you realize that it’s for life and maybe start to be afraid that certain things will be the same way forever. “Forever” is an intense concept to get used to, even if it’s what you want! I think the writer-inner and her man should really look into doing some couples therapy together before they tie the knot. Like you guys always say, it doesn’t mean they’re doomed. There’s just some communications issues bubbling under the surface that will not go away on their own. Good luck!

emilie says:

maybe the kittie poo smells so much because of the type of food she eats. Even if she eats high end cat food/raw/cans,it might not be the right formula (ive had this issue before. the smell would bring tears to my eyes) You could also change the litter to pine or crushed walnuts. it helps alot.
i use my nutri bullet to make bean dips & spreads, like edamame or humus, also smoothies. you could also make your own baby food when the time comes!
keep up the good work!

Brendan L says:

Hey guys!

Wow this episode really hit home in SOOO many ways. First, I’m originally from KC and really wish I would teleport back home to buy some of Meg’s music in that market!

Second, I actually had a very similar situation happen to me regarding the move vs. stay question. I visited a few places out west and fell in love with Arizona. I literally didn’t know anyone at all prior to moving. My advice is very similar to Andy’s as I actively applied to several better jobs inside the company I was already with. Obviously having employment will make the transition so so much easier and less stressful. Another tip is to really vet any potential roommate situation you might come across. If you move west, chances are things will be more expensive and a roommate may be necessary. I was lucky to find a person who I had a lot in common and that is an easy way to start making friends.

Third, I heard the question regarding the nitpicking fiance in a totally different way. To give you some perspective, I’m 32 and I recently got divorced last year after 4 years of marriage. The key reason why it ended up not working was because we had an extremely large difference in the amount of physical affection we needed. I was much more affectionate and I felt very isolate and lonely at times because it was not reciprocated. My first impression was that the fiance was nitpicking because he may not be feeling satisfied in such a important area for most men. Most times, physical affection (kissing/touch/body attention/sex) can really be the great bandaid to prevent someone from taking issue with all the minor differences. Please don’t think that I condone his behavior, because it really isn’t an excuse…just maybe a cause. I would take a real honest look at that part of your relationship and see if that could be improved during therapy. I definitely am not coming from the opinion that there is something wrong with you or you need to fix. Sometimes two people just have drastically different need levels and you should find someone who better matches with you…they are out there!

Fourth, I’m a nutribullet fiend. Everyone before has offered great tips. Here are just a couple general ones from me:

1. Look to add a banana or avacado to most smoothies. They will naturally thicken the smoothie and bananas do a great job of masking the greens.
2. Pears are an overlooked great addition…they go with most recipes.
3. Add one or two ice cubes…they also make it thicker.
4. Don’t judge the taste directly after making it. You may want to drink the majority of the drink after putting it in the refrigerator. Depending on if you are using frozen fruits vs. fresh, your drink could be less cold than you prefer and affect how you enjoy it.

Thanks guys!!

Stacey B says:

Hi guys,
I just wanted to say I found your podcasts on iheart by accident and I love it !!!! You guys are great and I just wanted to say keep up the good work !
I also wanted to say that the writer inner should just pack up and move !!! I know it’s hard , trust me. I moved to Los Angeles without a job, friends, nothing ! And I stayed for 4 years and ended up moving back home but I have no regrets. I am actually thinking about moving back but this time I have a family so it’s a little harder. So do it when you only have yourself to worry about . The more you wait the more excuses you will think of so be like Nike and “Just do it ” .
Also , I listened to “totally mommy” also and loved it too !!! I had my first baby 2 years ago so I can really relate !

And Andy was cracking me up the other day ! I think my co workers thought I was going crazy !!!

Love you guys !!!

Elizabeth says:

Hi Stacey! Oh awesome – thanks so much for this! Made my day πŸ™‚

KM says:

To the writer-inner whose fiance is super critical of her…I just experienced this exact same thing with my (now ex) fiance. We got engaged last June and everything was great for a few months, then slowly he started to get incredibly critical of everything I did/said/thought. By the time the fall rolled around he was criticizing everything I did, from how I reacted to situations to how I interacted with my own family to what kind of music I listened to. It was ridiculous. He ended up breaking up with me in November.

I think, in my situation at least, the criticism stemmed from him trying to find reasons to break up with me. He wanted the relationship to end and was trying to find a good reason so he kept trying to turn normal things into big things so he’d have an excuse. I don’t know if your situation is the same, but I’d definitely start to look at WHY he’s all of a sudden being hyper critical of everything you do. You can’t live your life with someone who’s constantly disapproving of you. Trust me, you’ll be better off alone than living with that for the rest of your life!

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