Crying a lot? Needing a hug? Feeling aches and pains that won’t quit? Does watching a Golden Girls marathon sort of help but it still feels like something’s… missing?

Let me recommend this thing I’ve always known about but now have a new relationship with: Chocolate. All. The. Chocolate. I’m going to guide you through the best way to let this magical cure-all help you throughout your pregnancy.

First though, you should know what this product really is. I looked up the history of chocolate and discovered that it’s been around for a long time - like thousands of years so that makes me feel like we’re all pretty safe ingesting as much of this stuff as we can with no ill side effects. It also was involved in some mayan/aztec happenings and from what I can tell it comes from beans which are healthy, so feel free to have at it! I could probably be more thorough but that was as much cocoa-education I could muster because I’m nine months pregnant.

Without further ado, here are my suggestions for proper use of this fine product:

DO:
- Try all the kinds of chocolate! See what floats your fancy: Liquid, powder, solid, chocolate comes in many wonderful forms, all of which are valid. My only caveat is that it’s also commonly found mixed in other foods like croissants and muffins. Definitely use those in a pinch but because this chocolate is technically “diluted” with bread and eggs and stuff, I wouldn’t count on that to cure you of what ails you. You’re gonna need to ingest the hard core stuff as soon as you can get your hands on it.

- Focus on quantity, not quality. Now, this might be controversial, because back when I wasn’t an incubator, I was able to buy a few pieces of fine chocolate and “savor” them. Well recently I made the mistake of buying a tiny fancy package of chocolate at a wine shop (buying wine for a friend, I promise!!) and at 7$ a pop, I justified it by thinking I would make it last, enjoy it, and a lot of other stuff that didn’t happen. The truth is, I didn’t even taste it and it was gone before I started my car to head home where there was a whole stash of less expensive but just as purposeful chocolate waiting for me. Lesson learned.

- Have a lot of different kinds on hand so you can fit your mood:

Crying: Hershey’s anything.
Tired: Sees Toffee.
Grumpy: Trader Joe’s straight up milk chocolate bar
Your husband didn’t take out the trash: Godiva truffles
Neutral: Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream
Pleasantly dazed: Trader Joe’s chocolate pudding
Your vagina feels like it’s falling out: Coffee Bean’s hot chocolate

DO NOT:
- Be above eating baker’s chocolate if that’s the only thing you have on hand.

- Snort the chocolate. Learn from my mistakes, snorting chocolate is not as pleasant as you might think. And actually, after my “incident” I did some research and discovered that now that we’re pregnant, ladies, our snorting anything days should be behind us.

- Eat chocolate you found on the street… Unless it’s completely wrapped and looks like it hasn’t been urinated on.

Don’t do this ^

In conclusion I’m giving two adult and two baby thumbs up for this product. I highly recommend you go get yourself some chocolate today!