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We’re Going Down!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 148

Andy regales us with a story from his recent business trip regarding flying and driving and death – all sorts of fun stuff! Then, he and Elizabeth answer listener questions about how to manage gift giving/buying when you share bank accounts, what to do about people (jerks?) who throw their older pets away, how to deal with depression and anxiety over death and loss, and how to react when someone’s pregnancy might be stealing your wedding thunder. Enjoy!


Christina says:

I have to disagree with the statement that people who dispose of their older dogs are not “bad people”. Certainly, they might have good qualities, but they are demonstrating a vulgar and ugly aspect of their character. Think about all those moments of love and affection exchanged with the dog over a decade long relationship. Instead of forming bonds, the owners parasitically indulge in the affection and love of the dog. They are like some kind of affection junkies.

Name changed to protect the guilty says:

As to crushes and how they can be damaging…been there! I have been married to my fantastic husband for several years now, and we have a baby, and I can’t imagine life without either one of them, but it could have very easily all blown up in my face. I developed a crazy crush on a guy I worked with (this was all before I got married, but I was engaged!), and went out of my way to spend time with him. And he knew I was engaged, but I made it seem like my fiancĂ© and I were having problems, etc. Never talked about him with the crush, definitely did everything I could to sell myself as available bc I wanted him to like me back. And he did. We were “just friends” but it was completely inappropriate. It started with texting, moved to happy hours, and soon I was lying to my fiancĂ© in order to spend time with the crush. He took me to meet his family, and all of his friends assumed I was dating him. NOTHING sexual ever happened, thankfully, but had the opportunity presented itself I can’t imagine I would have passed it up.

Thankfully, he met a girl and started dating her, and I came to my senses and got my shit together, but I shudder to think how close I came to destroying everything that was important to me. I think that I was scared of commitment and had some major issues going on there, but crushes can quickly turn dangerous if you let them.

It’s so weird to think about now, b/c I cannot even fathom cheating on my husband, or having a crush on someone, but in the place I was in then, it happened fast and without warning.

Elizabeth says:

Whoa! Thanks for sharing! Curious – was there something going on at the time? Like were you freaked out by your relationship with your fiance, scared of commitment, or was there something lacking? Or was it all good? Just testing the theory that something must be off for a crush to develop like that. Thank you!

Megan says:

About the wedding thing, I kinda agree with Andy. I hate going to weddings for people who I am not extremely close to. And by extremely close I mean immediate family and best friends.

Every other wedding is a gift obligation including the painful task of mingling with random distant relatives that I have no way to connect with. Then there is the task of figuring out exactly how long to be there. Do you leave slightly early and avoid the random conversations and run the risk that you appear rude or anti social or do you stay until the end. Hope you don’t look too uninterested in the conversation at the tables and again appear rude.

Yeah I know that makes me sound bad but I seriously hate those awkward moments.

Jack says:

I’m with Megan and Andy on this one. Unless it’s a close friend or relative, weddings are a drag. Now that I think about it, I guess it’s a bonus to getting older: less wedding invites!

Laila says:

Yeah, man, I’m on team Andy here. Weddings are no fun at all. I mean, the idea of it is sweet, but the actual thing? No thanks.

Kayla says:

I laughed so hard at Andy’s quick little quip about the Honeymoon trip. You two just make me smile.

Believe me, so many people hate weddings!

And as for stealing wedding thunder? My matron of honour announced she was pregnant mid toast. It was pretty bad, but also funny!

Stephanie says:

Love the podcasts! I juts had to share that my husband and I met on May 7, 2004 too! We met on the Las Vegas strip in front of the Bellagio. Congrats on 10 years!

B says:

I have been thinking about Andy and the porn on his old phone thing more than anything else I have heard you two talk about – and I have been tempted to comment on so many shows!

It just strikes me as so crazy that Andy was so worried that someone might see that he’d looked at porn, and that he’s so careful not to use a computer to look at it. Andy, we all know you watch porn, it’s obviously no secret if you’re comfortable telling us all about it. You’ve said in the past that you wouldn’t believe a guy if he told you that he never looked at porn, so what’s the big deal? It’s only natural!

It’s not illegal, you say you don’t look at weird stuff (which would not be a problem for most people anyway), and your partner and heaps of strangers know all about it, and about your embarrassment about being potentially found out. I understand the feeling of a loss of privacy in this situation, especially as they are people you work with, but honestly, you’re telling complete strangers the most private things on the podcast. This should be no different! Of course you want to avoid it happening, but it’s nothing to worry about if someone does see it.

O-Shen Christ says:

Totally agree with B. It’s natural for a dude especially one who’s wifey just had a baby!

brandy_22 says:

I’ve wondered the same thing… especially since ALL GUYS do it. Is it shameful or not? There’s so much secrecy involved with porn. Nobody wants anybody else to see what they are looking at. It’s all a big secret. Delete history. Be careful no one comes in. What’s up with all the secrets? If it’s perfectly normal and every man does it, it shouldn’t be a big deal. But maybe it’s a big deal because you’re a married dude, and some other women are taking up sexual space in your brain that should be reserved for your wife. Should she have the freedom to webcam herself to men in other areas of the globe doing nasty things? No, her body belongs to YOU. Most women want their husband’s minds to belong to them. Is that truly too much to ask. If you’re married to reserve your wife as the only women who is your outlet for all things sexual, or am I just an idiot?

Christina says:

I don’t think most women want their husband’s minds to belong to them (I hope not!). I don’t own my husband’s mind, his sexuality or his thoughts, nor does he own mine. How could you own another person thoughts anyway? That doesn’t make sense to me.

Hola says:

Please, please share your “honeymoon” story!! I’m so intrigued by this. Sounds like an amazing thing for your father to do.

Hola says:

PS – I wasn’t finished listening when I commented above…
I LOOOOVE weddings!!! I’m with Elizabeth! They are so much fun with all the love in the air and drunk bad dancing!

Dan says:

I also don’t like weddings. They are, for the most part, boring, sterilized, full of people I don’t care about, and full of bad music. I also have the same social problem, it’s great to see two people who love each other make vows, but that’s about the extent of it. Receptions suck because of the reasons I listed, if I wanted to go out to drink and socialize, I’d rather do it with people I am close friends with, with food I know I’ll like, and without wearing a suit. Sometimes the ceremony is even too much to bear, depending on religion, they can drag on forever. Sorry, I love life, I’m happily married and have a child, but weddings just aren’t for me.

LA-LA says:

Elizabeth–you are beautiful!!!! Please be nice to yourself and your body. Honestly, before the comments section of the site was blowing up so much, I would creep over here after listening to the episodes just to see the photos you posted of yourself and Andy. You are super gorgeous and are going to look amazing at your upcoming gala. Own it, sister!

Ginger says:

You two are toooo funny. Andy, you were killin’ it today. About first class, “I don’t remember much, but there were cookies involved.” “maybe too soon, maybe not soon enough.” I nearly fell down laughing. I love you guys!!!

Cassidy Stockton says:

I’m still only half way through this episode, but I wanted to tell you guys about Society 6 for rad t-shirts for Andy. Great site full of all sorts of artists and designs. Anyway, keep up the good work!

C says:

For the writer-inner who feels deep anxiety and fear about health issues and death of loved ones —

I just paused listening because this resonates with me so much, although not in the realm of health, but with other issues (e.g., career). I know you mentioned you have done therapy, but if you haven’t already tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) you should definitely look into it. It is based on a series of activities that help you change your thinking to be more balanced…

An example of how you might create a “balanced thought” to repeat to yourself when you have a headache (not a perfect example by any means…): “This headache could be cancer. I know people who have died from cancer. But I’ve also had headaches many times before, and they turned out to just be headaches and not major illnesses. In addition, I know that it’s a small percentage chance that it’s cancer. I will take some ibuprofen, and check in with the doctor at my next check-up.”

If you are interested, you can check out the book “The Worry Cure” by Robert Leahy ( which will walk you through some “at-home” CBT practices.

To find a CBT therapist, call those in your insurance network and ask what their style is. Your doctor who prescribed antidepressants (if its a psychiatrist) should also be able to make some recommendations.

Best of luck. I know from experience that when you can move your fears to a more balanced point of view, life is much more enjoyable.

scall says:

I’m the writer-inner, thank you so much for your recommendations! They have that book at my library so I’m gonna pick it up today. I’ll definitely look into CBT, that seems like it could be really helpful for me as well.

Mado says:

Elizabeth, you were so convincing, I believed for a split second that you had your grandmother’s sanitary/ menstruation belt (or whatever it’s called). I thought “Wow, wouldn’t peg her for that” until you admitted you didn’t really.

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