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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 153

No denying it, today is a sucky day for Elizabeth but Andy helps her put things into perspective per usual! Then they answer listener questions about whether or not “he’s the one” if marriage isn’t an exciting proposition, how to deal with a brother in law’s relationship with your spouse that is drama-filled, what it was like moving from St. Louis to the big city(ies!), how to handle a “scheduled” breakup with friends and the social engagements around it, and lastly, is it okay to skip a wedding if you’re not feeling up to it? Enjoy!


Eddie says:

Hey ,
New listener here and I love totally married. No kids so can’t relate to mommy. Maybe in a few years. Anyway. About your dog house delima. I heard you don’t want confrontation. Which is fine. But make some way of contact like ohey I got your mail or something. Then say I see you have dogs. I have an old dog house I’m going to get rid of. See if they want it. Like make it a helpful thing not a you’re a shitty owner situation. Then if they say no thanks then that’s where it ends and that’s all you can do. If they do say yes. Then you have givin the dogs shelter which was the main focus of the whole social interaction. Hope it helps. Love the show
-new obsessed listiner Eddie


Just want to share that as I sit at my desk in a quiet office wearing headphones, listening to Totally Laime, a series of emotions flood my psyche– but my favorite is that I literally get chills when the Oprah theme song plays! I love your show, i laugh, I’ve cried– and the chills, so weird, so wonderful, so fun! Keep it up!

Marley says:

Regarding the 23 year old listener who is unsure about an engagement.
I had the exact same reaction when I was 23 and my SO was 27. He did end up proposing & I my first words were “Yes…but we don’t have to get married right away!”. Cut to 1.5 years into our marriage, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he had cheated on me multiple times.

Marley says:

Also, we ended up going through a very sad & heartbreaking divorce. I can’t help but regret not listening to my instinct. If I had listened to my heart, I would have an ex-boyfriend instead of an ex-husband.

Elizabeth- I look forward to your podcasts every week! You are a such a joy…Andy too, of course!

Steph says:

I’m sooo happy to hear the follow up from the writer-inner with the niece. That made my heart so happy.

I am so sorry that AF came to visit already! I know there are so many emotions that come with those first cycles. I remember feeling so sad that I was just a regular old mom instead of a “new mom”. Which totally didn’t make any sense, but I cried many a-time about it. You have my sympathy.

I hope someone else in your life already told you this (or those baby forums): regarding Baby Oprah not wanting to nurse, that can be totally normal while you are on AF. Something about the milk tasting different. For me, I could always tell I was going to start because I would be so sore with the initial latch. Don’t worry, Baby Opes still loves you and will probably get right back into the swing of things (if she hasn’t already depending on when this episode was taped).

Juliet says:

Hi! Sorry you were having a crappy day πŸ™
I have a masters in early childhood, much professional experience, and a 1 year old little guy of my own. Children feel safe with their parents to “let it all out”. You should see dismissal at a preschool, all these kids who were totally fine all day, melt down as soon as they step outside and meet their parents. They were working hard all day to keep it together. I think this definitely trickles down to babies that are as young as baby oprah. Please don’t be hard on yourself, you are are clearly a wonderful mom!

Amy says:

I was about to leave the same comment! This happens to me a lot- the kids are fine with me all day and then mommy comes home and they meltdown. Mommies are very safe and kids and babies sometimes need a cry just like grown-ups do and they don’t always feel safe enough to be grumpy with people other than their moms. As sucky as it feels, it’s a good thing! It means you’re becoming her safe place just as it should be.

O-Shen Christ says:

of course Teddy is gonna give you a hard time!!! Kids are our teachers and are meant to hit every unhealed thought you have!!! Be grateful to have the opportunity to learn your lessons solidly if you choose!

Jess says:

Sorry if this is a little off topic but I had to share this little anecdote with you guys because it reminded me so much of the podcast! I wish I could remember which episode you talked about this in. Anyway, I remember there was an episode or maybe even a couple episodes where you talked about people hitting on customers at work in creative ways. So my sister and I were at a bar the other night and although we both have boyfriends, we both got a bit giggly over the cute bartender in an innocent movie-star-crush kind of way. At the end of the night, he came up to us and handed is a tab, saying we hadn’t paid. I was totally surprised and a little offended since we definitely HAD paid, but when I opened up the little folder that the bill comes in, it was just a blank receipt with a note that said “can I have your number?” We couldn’t stop laughing about it and it instantly reminded me of that episode you did!

Lindsey says:

To the writer inner who feels she has cold feet.

I went through the same thing with my boyfriend about 8 years ago. We were two years in, at the mall, and he pulled me into a jewelry store to look at rings. I freaked out- turned white as a ghost and knew from the bottom of my heart I wasn’t ready to get married.

Fast forward 8 years- I am married to said boyfriend, and could not be happier. We got married a year ago, and when he proposed it could not have felt more right.

I disagree with Andy- don’t wait for your boyfriend to bring it up again. You can have the conversation before your boyfriend hints at the subject. Be up front, and tell him that you love him, but you are not ready to take the next step.

You are both still young, and you have a lot of time. Even if it takes you three years to figure out he is not the man you want to be with- you will still only be 26.

Don’t wait- have the conversation, and tell him you aren’t ready. It will hurt him more if you turn down a proposal rather than simply bringing it up over drinks, and it doesn’t mean you won’t change your mind later.

Lisa says:

Just wanted to write in that I went through the same feeling that I am not such a good mom cause I could NEVER get my daughter (now 16 mo old) to laugh or even smile very easily until she was maybe 9 months old ish she cried mostly with me and she would smile and laugh for my husband like nobody’s business which would always piss me off.. One time when she was about 6 months old I took her to JCPennys to get her pictures taken when our appt came she was in a horrible mood and having a melt down and I was trying to soothe her and the lady taking the pictures had all these tricks up her sleeve making all these faces and noises I never thought to try and I burst out into tears cause this stranger lady is making my daughter laugh and smile and I couldn’t lol.. But now she is a little older now and it’s much easier for me to make her laugh (still not nearly as well as my husband) but you can tell that I’m more her comfort and daddy’s the silly funny guy but when she is hurt or upset or sleepy she wants nobody but mama and I am perfectly happy with that

Mara says:

Regarding the question about being freaked out about marriage talk:
I was super in love with my first serious boyfriend. But, we were young, and he made mention about wanting to get married and have a family one day. I freaked and slowly things started to come undone. I knew there was so much else I wanted to do with in life and I didn’t want to have to think about another person. I was so broken-hearted but ended up breaking up with him, for no other reason than not wanting to think about the M word anytime soon. I told him that I was too young and he said he would wait. And he did… but I wish he hadn’t. 3 or 4 years later we tried being together again briefly but it just did not work out. We had become different people. We had grown up.
I am now engaged to a wonderful man who, creepily enough, shares the first same name with said boyfriend. They remind me a lot of one another in some ways. However, the man I am marrying knows me as I am now; an adult with a lot of adventures, accomplishments and a whole life before him that has made me the woman he fell in love with. I am so grateful I did not stay with the man I loved so deeply, but was much too young to be with in such a serious way.
Hope my little anecdote helps in some way!

Can I just say I’m glad I’m not the only one who also has to do certain things before leaving the house, lest we all die in a fiery car crash? Solidarity, Andy.

Anyway, Elizabeth, your daughter loves you. Please don’t take it personally. I think it is COMPLETELY true what (Andy, I think, although perhaps both of you) said about Baby Oprah just being so comfortable with you that she can (for lack of a better phrase) “be herself.” I see this often with my three-year-old. She acts so nice around others and then when it’s just the three of us, she loses it. My guess is she spends all her energy acting like a decent member of society and then when the cameras are off she just cannot anymore. And of course, she can lose her shit with us because we’ll love her unconditionally.

Oh, P.S., today she told me “I don’t like you, Mom. I only like Dad.” Thanks, kid.

Katie says:

I was a notoriously horrible baby (crying inconsolably all day every day). My mother has told me many times how horrible she felt – very similar to how you feel! If it’s any consolation to you, my mother and I are so, so close, and she is my favourite person in the whole world.

So don’t worry, Elizabeth! Some babies just have a harder time than others, and it has nothing to do with you as a person. I’m more than sure that you, like my mum, are amazing at mothering!

Pete says:

Just wanted to say not to beat yourself up over baby oprah crying at your smiling face. My three year old recently told me in anger, and I quote “if you weren’t here, we wouldn’t miss you!” Like for real. That shit happened. But then today, he’s all “dad, you’re the best”. Not sure what my point is but you guys are access. Thanks!

Ronni says:

Hi! Just had to throw in my 2 cents about the couples therapist. My degree was in Marriage and Family Therapy. Any good therapist will not direct a couple to end a relationship (outside of an abusive situation). The therapist’s job is to help the couple reach their goals. If that’s to negotiate a separation, that’s fine, but that should be the couple’a decision, not the therapist’s.

P.S. Elizabeth, I agree with the other listeners who have commented–you are absolutely Teddy’s soft place to fall, and that’s why she melts down with you. Be kind to yourself.

Sarah says:

About the whole being a bad mom, you’re SO not a bad mom!!! A bad mom wouldn’t give a shit if her baby was crying when she looked at her. Teddy is learning that she isn’t seeing you and then when she does it’s a reminder like, “Oh yeah, where the hell have you been??” You are her comfort, her world, her everything and she feels safe to let those frustration out once you’re back around. What the hell do I know? But that’s my two cents. πŸ™‚ Seriously, motherhood is a constant battle with yourself. I am always worried I’m screwing my kid up just one day at a time. But when I really think about it, I’m a GREAT mom. And so are you!

On the morbid thought thing. My friend and I were JUST talking about this today! We both never had thoughts to this degree until we had kids. Like I have a business trip next week and promised my son (who has super bad separation anxiety and is very concerned with me leaving for a few days)I’d bring him home a new toy dragon. I already have the dragon at home and keep thinking I’m going to die on this flight and all he’ll have is the freaking dragon I was going to give him!!! WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?!? πŸ™‚

You’re a great mom and totally normal! Hang in there! This is the hardest job you will ever have, but it’s also the best!

Cassidy Stockton says:

I will admit that I’ve only gotten through the first 10 minutes of this one, but I wanted to just send you a virtual hug, Elizabeth! You’re doing a great job with baby O! You are most definitely her favorite person on the planet. You made her. She only knew you and your awesome womb for 9 months. I think the laughing/crying thing is just that new faces are, indeed, a novelty and when she sees you she can’t keep it together anymore. Haven’t you had an awful day and you somehow kept it together only to see Andy at the end of it and totally break down? That’s my thought anyway.

Additionally, I am only throwing this out there as a possibility, but is it possible that she’s teething? My son started teething at 2 months and didn’t get the first tooth until 4 mo. He never breastfed very well during each bout of teething and would sometimes go a couple of days (which, of course, freaked me out). I’m only wondering if she might have started teething. It would make sense to me that a new person could distract her and get her to laugh, but when she sees you, she is inconsolable. Also, if you didn’t know, teeth come up and go back down over and over again for a while, so it might just be the beginning….

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but hang in there! You’re doing an awesome job!

Jack says:

Regarding the morbid thoughts: I think it’s a natural instinct in an evolutionary kind of way. As a human being you’ve done your job. You’ve extended your bloodline and propagated the human species. In essence, you’ve created your replacement in this world.

I’m not suggesting that it’s time for you to go crawl under a rock somewhere and die, far from it. Your job has only just begun. I just think it’s one possible explanation why mother’s may have these difficult and disturbing feelings so soon after giving birth.

James says:

I had serious cold feet…I was almost convinced I was making the wrong decision. My instincts were totally wrong tho, I married the best person for me in so many ways it’s ridiculous, I just couldn’t see it clearly at the time.

Instincts are often right and just as often wrong. The whole marriage thing is kind of a crapshoot anyway…lol..

Stephanie M says:

Hey guys I’m a week behind, but I wanted to write in to say its normal to get your period back around the time your baby starts really sleeping through the night. I’m an LC and I remind my clients that if they aren’t breastfeeding around the clock on a regular schedule, ovulation returns! So if your not ‘not trying’, we may be hearing good news from you two pretty soon.

Wendy says:

I was so stressed for you after hearing about Teddy crying constantly. I did not have colic babies but apparently I was one myself and my mother took me to the ER back in 1967. So it’s perfectly normal to be scared to death and wonder what is wrong with your baby. Now I am a mom and have two girls. They were not colicky but my whole motherhood experience has been full of trying to keep them happy. I nursed both for 2 years. Worth it, but exhausting. Trying to keep them busy in the car, at home, over the summer, while I work, when I need to take a shower, whatever it is they are always needing something. Always!!!! I am hungry, I am tired, I am bored. It never ends. I can tell you right now, I am at work and my ten year has called me 5 times in the last 10 minutes crying because of this or that. My first child was pretty self sufficient. My second child demands constant attention. If I don’t answer my cell phone, she keeps calling until I answer. But it’s the bestest job in the whole wide world. Because when they hug you and make you laugh and say funny things and accomplish so much it makes the daily grind all worth it. Hang in there!! It’s a long ride but the most thrilling. You are awesome!!!!

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