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Baby Says Hello w/Cohost Andy!

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Totally Mommy Podcast

Episode 25

Elizabeth and her favorite cohost in life, Andy! are back to discuss what’s going on in their lives as parents, the Good/Bad/Funnies (Mama chanting! The Little Prince! Elimination Diets! Baby Oprah said Hello!) before diving into listener questions about handling an overbearing mother and sister’s expectations, whether or not to use the pushy but free babysitting services of a mother in law, if it’s kosher to tell your mom that you don’t particularly love the items she makes for baby, if it’s too soon to have your son call the new boyfriend “Daddy” after three months, how to politely stand your ground with an over eager step mother, and what to do about a dog-meets-two-year-old situation. Enjoy!

13 Comments!

Amanda says:

Loved this episode, really love when Andy is cohost (Ramona made me laugh with the glass)
Few things i wanted to weigh in on, totally relate to your chant for baby Oprah to calm her with my 20 month old whenever she is not having it or not looking for a picture and we want her to just be calm so we can finish something or change her mood we sing her the ABCs yup thats it makes her calm and smile every time. Could have something to do with the fact as an infant I could never remember kid songs so it was my go to haha.
Poo in the tub has only happened once and I drained the tub and put her back in… so if your terrible so am I haha.
MIL or anyone for that matter drives me BANANAS it is so irritating. And like you I can’t even tell you why its just why cant they just shhhhhh didnt as you so dont give me your input thanks. MIL issues I got em but to be honest they have slacked since I was very quick and would tell her how things went with us and eventually she stopped which is awesome. Hope that is a turn around for our relationship. Have more to say but im at work haha so maybe later :D
Love the shows you guys are awesome and doing a great job :)

Heather says:

Always love a new episode of Totally Mommy!

I feel compelled to kick in my two cents regarding the writer-inner that has been receiving the hand-made items that aren’t necessarily in her taste.

My own mother is a very talented seamstress who isn’t very fashion-forward. When we found out we were expecting (even decided to not find out the gender) I was able to go online to Fabric.com and Pinterest and come up with some ideas of items that I found tasteful for the nursery. We then worked out an arrangement where I purchased the fabric and had it shipped to her house 1.5 hours away and she was able to be creative. This worked out the best because both parties got their desired outcome. Handsome baby boy got the cutest black, grey and yellow nursery and his Me’Me’ can say she made it just for him. :)

Also, I can’t wait for you to have Teresa Thorn on! Love me some One Bad Mother (second to Totally Mommy)! Please let us know what episode you are on so we can all listen. :)

Mandy says:

Hey, Elizabeth!I just wanted to comment on the first question you and Andy answered on today’s podcast. I could relate to this so much as I have also had trouble with family’s expectations and setting boundaries.

Before getting pregnant and having our baby, my husband and I moved to Asheville, NC from Chicago. We’re both from Ohio, but during our married lives, we have always lived out of state. Anyway, we moved to NC because we wanted to start a family, and this is really the perfect place. On top of that, my parents said they would visit more often than they would in Chicago, and that seemed ideal since we don’t live near them.

Fast forward to when we got pregnant. My mom, dad, and grandma would visit often and stay with us. At first this was great, but it often did lead to some boundary violations. For example, they would just announce that they would come to visit instead of asking, complain about our house, and bring food into the house that we don’t keep around (i.e.: diet coke, processed food, etc.). During my last month of pregnancy, my mom and grandma stayed with us for two weeks. During this time, I was super hormonal and moody. They then went to Myrtle Beach, SC for a few days, and then came back to stay with us. When I went into labor, my husband and I went to the hospital, and so did they despite the fact that I had said many times only my husband, midwife, and I would be in the delivery room. They stayed with us for two days after the baby was born, and then, went back to Ohio.

For the rest of that week, I would try to call to check in, and my mom would not answer the phone. My dad would not answer the phone. WTF? Finally, a week post partum, I called my grandma. She proceeded to just lay into me about how their expectations were not met during the visit. They were disappointed they did not get to hold Wyatt the night he was born. They were disappointed they did not get to hold him more when we were home with him. They felt like my husband and I prevented them bonding with him, and she would not be staying with us ever again. When I finally talked to my mom, she said all the same things.

Needless to say, this sent me down a shame spiral that resulted in me having to seek counseling for postpartum anxiety. I feel like after I had the baby, I was experiencing the baby blues, and I probably could have gotten over it on my own, but after that talk with my grandma, all bets were off, and I needed help.

Now that Wyatt is almost ten months, things are better. I am doing well enough that I no longer go to therapy, and my mom and grandma and I are all on good terms. However, I still get constantly guilted about them not seeing Wyatt that often due to the fact that we’re out of state and they don’t want to pay for a hotel, gas, etc. to come visit. It’s tough. It took a lot of time and therapy for me to get over what happened and to realize that this is their stuff.

I guess I left this lengthy comment just to empathize with the writer inner and to say the boundary issues are real and try to address them head on before the baby gets here.

Eleanor says:

Elizabeth,
I just wanted to say that I love each of the podcasts, and that I have a bit of advice about Ramona commandeering your water glasses. My cat used to do the same thing, so I ended up switching getting rid of her water bowl and using a drinking glass instead. It didn’t stop the behavior completely, but it certainly helped!

CHRISTINE! says:

I’m going to try this. My cat (Evil Josie) loves drinking out of glasses. Lately I just switched to seltzer. She is afraid of the bubbles!

Whoo boy! Settle in for what will likely be a looooong comment :-) First of all, to address the “Daddy” issue, I totally agree with you guys—for now. My parents got divorced when I was 6-months-old and I saw my real dad very few times when I was a kid, as he returned to Israel after the divorce. My mom met and married who I now call Dad when I was 5-y/o and I remember it being kind of weird when she insisted I call him Dad and not Chris (incidentally, they met and married after 4 months, been married 25 years this September.) Anyway, now that I’m 30, married, with a kid, and still have very limited contact with my bio dad, I’m glad my mom pushed that when she did. Chris (Dad) stepped up and provided everything for me from the moment they met/married and now I can’t imagine him not being Dad. For someone to do that for a kid who’s not theirs by blood is selfless and deserves a certain level of respect. In our house that meant being one family unit, i.e.: Mom, Dad, and Sarah. So, my point: Do not have the kid call your boyfriend Daddy. If and when you guys get married, then you can feel that out. If the father remains in the boy’s life, though? Bad idea. (For the record, my real dad and I have more of a friendship-like relationship. I call him by his first name, and even he, when asking about my parents, calls them Mom and Dad.)

For the gal who’s thinking about using the MIL as childcare? Can I just say don’t? I know free seems like a great idea and I’m sure she’d do a great job, but the idea of my MIL (or even my own mother) spending that kind of time with my baby is heartbreaking to me. There’s something really nice about paying (a shitton, omg) to a non-related daycare or nanny. Everything is very transactional that way. You pay, drop your kid off, tell the teacher what to do, and it gets done. There’s little-to-no worry about teachers doing things their own way—if you have a good daycare/nanny, the person takes it like a job (which it is) and treats you as boss (which you are.) With everything else to stress about with regard to childcare/working motherhood, etc., I feel like throwing money at it is worth its weight as far as keeping stress low and peace of mind high.

To clarify, I feel it’d be heartbreaking for my MIL to spent that kind of time with my kid instead of me. Quality time between kid/grandparent is of course not heartbreaking. I just mean, I personally would not mentally handle it well if I had to go to work each day while my MIL spent all day with my girl. For some reason paying someone to do this doesn’t have those same implications.

Sarah says:

Thank you for sharing this. I’m the writter iner (sp?) and have thought about this too. I’m struggling with the fact that I’ll have to leave him or her with ANYONE…like having a really hard time. Already, and they’re not even here! I mean, even our niece spending so much time with her bothers me so I can imagine I will feel even stronger about my own child. I totally get what you’re saying. I think at this point I am hoping for a financial miracle where instead of giving someone else money for daycare, I can stay home and do it myself. That would certainly be ideal! I never thought I would be that woman that wants to be a stay at home mom but my whole mindset has shifted. That little apricot rules my world already!! :)

Leti says:

Be careful what you say about herpes! It only detectable by a blood test unless you get a sore swabbed. It’s highly contagious even without symptoms. Unless someone is on Valtrex every day and doesn’t touch you three days before an outbreak and three days after it completely heals, you can get it. 7 out 10 people have mouth herpes, don’t worry about it and don’t know bc they dont get the blood test specifically for it. This is why some many people are getting genital herpes from mouth cold sore. It would be a medical miracle if you had a long term partner and did not get it.

O-Shen Christ says:

I disagree with both u guys about the mom who makes tacky clothes. A gift should all be about the giving what the other loves not what the giver wants. That’s not giving and is selfish in intent making the gift not a gift at all and she isn’t open to really learn to give. So I advise you to refuse all tacky clothes since it’s not what you the receiver wants. It’s a teachable moment and will be a harsh lesson but that’s what the mom has brought to herself. IMHO

Christina C. says:

Ahh!! I haven’t even finished the episode, but oh my god! Our cat does the same goddamn thing. I have had many a glass of water knocked over in the middle of the night. It always wakes me up in a panic… It’s the worst.

Cassidy Stockton says:

I wanted to chime in and share our eczema journey, in case it’s helpful. Just a batch of unsolicited advice, but maybe there’s something in here that will help you or another laime-wad. This is long, so sorry in advance.

My son had serious eczema at around 11 months. It was so bad that he lost all of his hair and was up crying at night, not to mention the amount of itching and blistering, bleeding from the itching. Our pediatrician kept prescribing steroid creams and had no advice to offer. She said it was not likely a food allergy and sent us to a dermatologist. He said it was not likely a food allergy and prescribed even stronger steroid creams. Meanwhile, at home, we were losing our minds. Our kid was so sick and sad looking all the time. Just not himself. The creams didn’t work. They helped and then his skin flared up again. We were sent to an allergist and we did the full test series. Everything came up negative.

Finally, at my wit’s end, we decided to try a naturopath. She explained several things. One, cutting out an allergen from your diet takes a long time- you need to do it for at least a month before you can see a difference. Just because he tested negative on the scratch test, did not mean that he was not sensitive to it. She took him off dairy (at this point, he’d already weened himself) and put him on a regimen of a probiotic, DHA, and Vitamin D. I am not joking. It cleared up completely within a few weeks and he’s not had a flair up since. It’s been 9 months. We’ve since reintroduced milk and he’s fine. She explained how probiotics really work and why that might have been the missing element.

He may have a slight allergy to milk (which I have), but his immune system was overwhelmed by it. He had no beneficial flora in his intestinal track to deal with it after a round of antibiotics for an ear infection. The probiotic helped with that, the DHA and vitamin D helped with healing his skin.

The point of this is, if your pediatrician isn’t able to solve the mystery (though she does sound awesome!), hit up a naturopath. They have a great knowledge about alternative remedies that a conventional doctor might not think about.

Kari Bonallo says:

I wanted to quickly weigh in on the mom who was making “ugly” clothes for the daughter’s little one

What about sending her pictures of clothes she likes saying that she loved them but couldn’t afford to buy them for herself. Ask Mom if she could re-create them because she was is so talented…a little flattery goes a long way ;)
Good luck!

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