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Pathological Liars!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 159

Elizabeth and Andy discuss the fun and light topic of pathological liars and what happens when you find something out about someone that changes your entire perspective on them. Then they answer listener questions about how to deal with a negative nelly sister, what to do when someone puts DICK PILLS in your tea (first ever punked post?), how to move on from a major infidelity by your husband of fourteen years, and what to do when your partner and you want to live in different cities. Enjoy!

18 Comments!

Britney says:

Hey guys! I just wanted to chime in about the maybe fake writer inner with the “dick pills” in the tea. That happened on an episode of keeping up with the kardashians. Haha The mom put pills in the dads coffee but the son drank it on accident and had to go to the hospital to get it drained. They put a needle in and drain the blood (at least they did on the show). So it sounded awfully familiar to me!

Juan says:

If you are suffering from a prolonged erection, draining is one of the ways they may need to correct the situation.

My wife is an RN who I asked about this.

Dominic says:

Concerning the writer-inner with where to move, I don’t think it’s a bad idea for both people to “present their case”, basically. They could look for houses online together in both locations. They can check out prices, or the area, crime rates, pollution, the schools or daycares (if there are going to be kids).

The important thing is that they should approach it as a team, and not one person wanting something until they beat the other person down. In a compromise, you also need to be willing to see things from the other’s perspective and/or address their concerns. See if there are things that the one city offers that they would like, or if they have support systems there.

You just don’t want to get there and be filled with resentment.

And speaking of resentment, the writer-inner with the husband who had the porn/escort/happy ending thing…

I personally couldn’t be with someone who I didn’t trust. If you think the trust can be rebuilt, then yes, try. But if you don’t, then you end up being the paranoid person who accuses them of cheating even if they might not be.

I’m not arguing for them to get a divorce, but I do want to say as a child from a divorced family, it was probably the healthiest thing my parents ever did for each other.

It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other, but that there was a lot of resentment, an infidelity (I think), and a lot of negativity. When they split, of course I was sad, but as an adult I really respect their choice.

I think it’s important to at least be friends with your ex if there are kids (except in the case of abuse or neglect, obviously), but the worst thing you can do to your child is to show how much resentment you feel towards their other parent. It is the most poisonous thing and it can definitely ruin their own self-esteem and their own relationship with the parent. When my mom talked about what a controlling guy my dad could be, I felt sympathy for her but wow it was terrible. I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to be on her side, or if she was implying that I was going to be controlling since I shared his DNA. Not good.

I accepted my parents’ divorce, even though it was weird for a while. But it got easier and it actually felt healthier. They’re both decent but flawed people who are better off not being together. I’m thankful my parents divorced, because even as young as I was, I knew there were problems.

My biggest problem with “stay married for the kids” is that the kids almost definitely know when there’s something wrong. Worse, kids can interpret the hostility as being their own fault, so if you don’t address the problem, you might still be hurting them.

I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to judge the writer-inner for wanting a divorce for something that massive. Trust is everything. And in a way, it’s a good thing that people now have the option to divorce.

Kendrick says:

Just throwing this out there: (Even if it’s fake) would the dick pills in the tea still be “hot” if it were a guy drugging his female fiancĂ©e in order to have sex with her while she was sleeping/in the middle of the night?

Diane says:

The ‘dick pills’ letter probably is a fake (the phrase ‘little bitch’ seemed really off to me…) but just in case it isn’t, I wouldn’t be the feminist killjoy I am if i didn’t point out that what he’s describing is attempted rape, so he should seriously bounce.

Jacquie F. says:

I agree with the last part you said about the cheating guy. As someone who had divorced parents I think getting divorced is way better than staying together and being unhappy. Having parents that hated one another and seeing my mom be so depressed knowing that my dad was cheating on her was way worse than them getting divorced.

I think in TV and movies they play up the impact of divorce a lot to make it more dramatic. Maybe I’m just not as emotional but I was completely fine with my parents getting divorced. It made perfect sense to me that being apart and happier is better than being together and miserable.

warg says:

I hope that email isn’t real. If it is that means you just laughed at and brushed off a person getting raped because they are a man. Is the idea that men can’t get raped? He didn’t want to have sex and then was dosed and woke up to someone trying to force him to have sex. If the genders were reversed, I don’t think you’d be laughing and picking apart the words the writer-inner used. Your advice was to maybe put off getting married to the person? I mean I know you’re not taking it seriously because you think it is fake but why read it at all if you think it’s fake? I’m not getting a great feeling from this whole thing.

If that email was real and you are reading this writer-inner, call the police. You were drugged and possibly raped. It caused you pain and required medical attention. Get the fuck away from the person that did that to you and seek help.

Elizabeth says:

Point taken, Warg. I think it was an unfair double standard in our minds when we addressed this regarding the attempted rape… Frankly that word never even entered my mind, which I’m not proud of.

Not that it matters but I’m fairly certain the email was a fake. I came to that conclusion while we were addressing it which is why we read it. However just to be clear the advice I gave on the off chance that this is a real email wasn’t just to put off getting married as you said. The advice I gave was that it sounds like a super toxic relationship – it’s not cool to drug anyone ever – and that he should definitely bounce.

warg says:

I hear where you are coming from and I love the show and you guys. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad, I just felt uncomfortable as a listener. If a woman wrote in saying she was drugged by her S.O. and woke up with him on top of her, I don’t think you would have been questioning the email address it came from. I don’t think Andy would be saying that it sounded kind of hot like he did with this situation. I would hope the advice would be a little stronger than just “bounce”.

Obviously, you are in a better postion to tell the veracity of the email and the follow up with the writer-inner but to me it sounded like it could still be a real email. One of the treatments for priapism is to shunt and drain the erection. I would imagine it’s a very painful and embarrassing procedure. Also anyone can use any email address. Women can make a masculine sounding one and vice versa. The person might have created a throwaway account because they didn’t want to use their real one. Or they sent it from a trusted friend’s account. Who knows? The whole section just seemed kind of insensitive.

I don’t usually complain about stuff on the internet so I hope I am not being annoying or rude. I just felt like I should say something. Thank you for the many, many hours or free and awesome entertainment!

Richard C says:

Hahaha. I don’t know why, but the gastropub line of inquiry had me cracking up.

Good for you, Elizabeth! I love the feeling of really digging into a writing project. Really makes me feel accomplished.

Em says:

The writer inners who can’t decide on a place to live need to recognize that if they’re really set on moving near one of their families, one of them is going to lose out no matter what. There’s no way at all to decide whose family is the better one to move closer to without potentially being hurtful, since you presumably love your families equally, so that factor should be removed from the decision process. Instead, focus on which area is better for your careers, personalities, and financial goals.

Jeni says:

DUDE. Andy!!! I heard a plug for Meg Myers being played on 101.1 here in Chicago… Just wanted to tell you guys, because I remember a few podcasts ago, you guys wanted to be notified :). YAY

Ps I would totally wear a shirt that says Andy says bounce. And Elizabeth you’re so cool and I dig Don’t be a trash bag.

Jen says:

I am not, nor have I ever been married, so this is totally unqualified, but for the writer-inner who is not trusting her husband:

I think her mistrust is obviously totally justified, but is monitoring his phone/computer use for a set amount of time really going to work? Is she going to believe he won’t go back to it after she stops looking at his internet history and phone bills? Wouldn’t 24/7 monitoring just cause him to hide anything that he does that she might find objectionable?

And it sounds like a miserable way to live – for both of them.

O-Shen Christ says:

Okay I really want to know what become of Andy’s co worker who lived a lie for decades!!! That’s some real creepy shit and a movie could be made of it

G says:

To the writer inners who are wanting to move from NYC to a new home:

Portland, Maine.

(or maybe Portsmouth, NH). But up here in New England, we’ve got it going on. Portland is like if the best parts of Brooklyn (the food mostly) went on vacation to the ocean and the mountains. We’ve got beaches! And hiking trails! And a bit of industry! And terrible winters (but they pass)!

Also, I’m originally from the West Coast, but I’m able to fly out pretty easily from both Portland or Boston (which is 2 hrs and a $40 bus ride with wifi away) and visit my family a few times a year.

Emily says:

So I know this is late but I just cant stop thinking about this fake question! The biggest thing to me was that he used a friends email address saying that he didnt have an email. WHO DOESNT HAVE AN EMAIL ADDRESS?! And it takes probably 3 minutes to get one. I just cant believe that a young person would go through the trouble of asking a friend, then writing it on that friend’s account, then checking it again once you emailed back to ask some questions. Nope. Not real!

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