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Unapologetically Himself!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 160

Andy and Elizabeth discuss why some people don’t seem to be very warm to Andy when they are to other people, before answering listener questions about finding new love after divorce and kids, what to do when two people with illnesses are in a marriage and need care of their own, whether or not to proceed with a rekindled friendship when the friend’s partner leaves a lot to be desired, how to handle division of household duties with a partner who is also handling the bulk of childcare, how to move on from an ex relationship that still takes up a lot of brain space even though the new relationship is a happy one, and lastly, what’s the most graceful way to break up with a long term boyfriend when there’s been cheating involved. Enjoy!


Elanor says:

I don’t think Andy’s fantasy is wrong necessarily. The fantasy involves him and Elizabeth and he himself is the victim.

Brian says:

Nothing wrong with consensual acting out of fantasies, my only concern is if one participant isn’t really comfortable with the game and is only playing along to minimize any conflict possible in the relationship. Jeri Ryan, the actor who played 7 of 9 in Star Trek Voyager, had a divorce over smilar fantasy play that she didn’t enjoy but in which her husband convinced her to participate.

Jillian says:

Re the way strangers react to Andy, I’m wondering if it has anything to do with his style. Just from photos E’s posted he can give off a bit of a bro vibe sometimes which I notice because it’s so not his persona that we know from the pods. I’d be curious if people have when warmer to him when he’s not wearing a baseball hat. There’s something about certain guys with similar style (I think of entitled guys who can be demanding/disrespectful) that I could definitely see people putting their guard up. Obviously this could all be totally off base and just MY own stereotype. That said, I get the same kind of mixed reception in public, but chalk it up to being a fat chick who suffers from Resting Bitch Face.

Kat says:

Kind of hilarious, although I don’t want to hurt Andy’s feelings by seconding this commentary about his fashion sense. Once I saw Andy in public and I had to keep asking myself if he could actually be ‘that guy in that hat,’ but it was him, and he was his typical nice non-bro self when I introduced myself, just as I’ve come to expect from the podcasts!

Tiffany says:

Me again…
With regard to the writer-iner with the boyfriend that works late and she has all the house duties: I have this same situation at home. My husband works from 3-1130 M-F and I work 8-5. Generally our daughter wakes up around 8 and he takes care of the daddy duties until our childcare helps comes at 230. I clean the kitchen, do the grocery shopping, laundry, toilets galore and do the whole bedroom routine at night. BUT I also give my husband a “honey do list” every day. This can be as small as take the trash out, to change the laundry over, empty the dishwasher, give J a bath, put the sprinkler out etc. (with the exception of loading the dishwasher, I will not allow anyone near that chore) They aren’t difficult tasks and don’t take more than an hour or so. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help. It should be a partnership. Can he do a couple small chores a day? As I’ve come to learn in my marriage…my husband just doesn’t notice the little things that need to be done on a daily basis. He doesn’t see that the carpets need to be vacuumed, or that something needs to be taken and put in our storage area. But, if I tell him then he has no problem. Does this make me bossy…yes in some ways, but I also think it’s how you approach the topic. “I need help; I can’t do this all on my own…” Perhaps a Sunday of cleaning together for a couple of hours each week will help? Hope you two can come to an understanding and some of the household duties can be lifted. Also make sure you make time for you, go get a pedicure, shopping alone, join a book club? If you don’t make time for yourself, the resentment will continue to grow.

Jason says:

The first 10 minutes of the pod are so amazing. I haven’t finished it yet, just wanted to say that I love you dudes and want to be best friends with you. Shout out Beth Breuner!

elle d says:

I experience the same phenomenon as Andy on the regular – it doesn’t feel great. I often wonder what it is I put out that makes people treat me poorly on sight. I am polite and friendly, I make eye contact, I smile, I say, ‘hello’ – (I’m a lady in my mid-30’s and I do not have bitchy resting face, BTWs)

My mother has been with me and witnessed more than one of these events – she doesn’t understand what happens either. The best, in terms of entertainment value for us, was when I was in line and paying for my order when my mom joined the line after me. I was digging through my wallet, looking for my credit card and I smiled at the cashier and then my mom and said something like, “Sorry – my wallet is a mess.” and the cashier looked at my mom and rolled her eyes.

When I hung around and waited for my mom to finish buying her stuff I thought it was weird how the cashier was going so beet red and awkward around my mom. My mom filled me in afterwards. The cashier thought she was commiserating with a nice lady about what a jerk I was, but instead she was casually insulting the nice ladies daughter.

We laughed for quite some time. Whenever it happens now I try and laugh about that time to make myself not feel like a unlikable monster.

tl:dr I hear you, Andy. Respect.

Richard C says:

It’s hard for me to remember how I thought of Andy before listening to him for hundreds of hours. But he definitely comes across as confident. I think he maybe just gets lumped in with gross business people that also have that vibe.

Perhaps Andy should try being a little more self-effacing around baristas/checkout people. Like look for opportunities to call yourself out on things, admit to not knowing things, make small talk, etc.

Richard C says:

And oh my god, I snorted again at the phrase “She put dick pills in my tea!”
Real or fake, that situation is fucked up, but that phrase being delivered by Elizabeth just slays me every time.

JZ says:

To the writer inner about the husband working odd hours and childcare. I wasn’t in the exact same position but I know the resentment side of your life revolving around a home, child, husband and work. It makes life so much more difficult when you can’t get a little me time in. If he is up at 6:00 with the little one… is there a way to adjust her sleep schedule a few hours. We had to do it with our son to get him to daycare on time. He went to bed a little earlier then most kids and because he had to be out the door by 5:30am so my husband could get to work. So in your case is there any way to put her to bed a little later so may she sleeps in so he can get a little more sleep. This would ease the stress on his body there for (in theory) allow him more time to put away dishes, Fold a load of laundry or take out the garbage. Also, I don’t remember the age of your daughter but maybe suggest he does chores with her (or as she gets older) little ones love pulling dishes out of the dishwasher and matching socks can be a game. My son loves to try to take the garabage cans down to the curb and helping sort the recycling.

I don’t know if that helps or not. I know my husband would uses the “I work 10-11 hour days, 5 days a week with a two and a half hour commute every day with very little rest time” and that is why I had to do most of the work around the house. But I also worked and had a crazy commute. It’s a lot of stress either way. Maybe find a sitter or look into a mommy group for a play date.

Good luck!

Liz says:

So far nobody has mentioned the most important factor that contributes to unfriendly baristas: does Andy tip?? I work in the food industry, and let me tell you, it’s not a coincidence that we seem to light up and get super chatty when the regulars who always tip come in.

Bobbie says:

Hey Elizabeth&Andy, wanted to leave thanks and follow-up to my question re 38yo and meeting men. Have taken your advice and this last weekend had three dates with men , one spectacular, one good and one blurgh.

My hangup was about ‘how can this work ‘ but I think it is a numbers game…. Won’t be getting cozy until I get to know someone seriously well. Anyway thanks v much for opening my mind.

Amanda says:

Hey All! CAller inner about opposite shifts with my boyfriend and 21 month old daughter.
Just getting off of a week relaxing staycation and cleared mind. I appreciate all of the input and am planning on inputting the honey do list into our lives. At least one thing a day would at least make me feel like I am not doing it all. To be fair about the fact that he sleeps less our daughter on the 3 days home and not at daycare naps about 2 hours in the morning, so shes up at now 7:30 and naps from about 11 until 1 sometimes earlier but by then for sure, which is why I dont think its much to ask in those 2 hours before he naps that he does at least something. I just dont like getting home cleaning making dinner feeding dinner and bath for one reason only it takes away from time spent playing and interacting with my baby.
Again love the input will try to take it a litte easier on him and take some time for myself (heading out with a friend Saturday afternoon and really looking forward to it.) and also do the honey do list and see how that goes.
Thanks a bunch much love!!!!

Gary says:

To the person constantly comparing her current relationship to her ex, instead of wasting your time thinking and overanalyzing your current relationship try focusing your energy on making yourself better and living a more fulfilling life. You ex is clearly living his life out without you. Why can’t you do the same?

Gary says:

To the Lyme disease and ADHD couple, I agree with the psychologist if the marriage is key to keeping both of you on health care coverage. It’s important for you to continue receiving treatment. On a personally level, you and your husband should tell each other that you each need time to work on you own health and that the marriage can take the backseat for the time being. The husband should probably change therapists to see if it helps with his condition.

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