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Mind Over Matter!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 162

Elizabeth and Andy discuss her recent weird sickness and how mind really can trump matter, apparently, plus Andy’s revelation that he might, indeed, be psychic! Then they give their *highly* unqualified advice to listener questions about how to move forward from a major infidelity (that the writer-inner had to LISTEN to, uggh!,) feeling jealous of the social aspect of your husband’s job, whether or not to move out of your parents house as an adult when they are not ready to let go, how to handle social events with specific eating preferences, and what to do when visiting So Cal? (Laimeweds, please leave feedback in the comments!) Enjoy!


Clare says:

You guys put out three amazing podcasts with at least an hour of content a week, it drives me insane that people would put any negative comments ON THIS WEBPAGE about something they didn’t enjoy. If you don’t like something, just DON’T LISTEN to it. And re the ‘self-indulgent’ feelings, we Laimewads/weds/moms are such fans of you guys because you are just yourselves on a totally genuine level. To me, it never comes across as anything other than you being you in a charming and wonderful way! That is nearly impossible to find in the realm of comedy podcasts on a consistent basis, so you keep doin’ you. We love you guys for it! Andy Says Bounce t-shirt for sure.

Katie says:

I so agree. Well said! We so appreciate the work you guys put into the podcasts πŸ™‚

James says:

That’s insane, the whole infidelity thing…I know I could never stay if I were in a similar situation, if you can then good on you… I thought those friends of yours were f’ed up in the first email…what a couple of miserable people. At least get away for awhile. Move out for a few weeks if you are too and piece your feelings together?

Sarah says:

That was the craziest unexpected turn of events. I agree. completely insane.

I couldn’t stay either!

James says:

Oh and by the way, you should have ZERO guilt to answer your question. You did the right thing every step of the way, girl, you handled your feelings for Ann and stepped away. That’s what makes what your girlfriend did seem even worse to me. Especially after you pulled her aside and then left the room freaking crying! I don’t care how drunk she was, that’s just cruelty. Grrrrrrr….this whole situation makes me so mad.

Mel says:

Ugh, poor writer-inner!! 11 years is a long time but…Mel says bounce! I don’t care how drunk someone is. If you specifically pull them aside and talk to them and they still do it, there is no excuse.

O-Shen Christ says:

You guys are so straddling the world of spiritual mastery!!! Yes, all thought is responsible for all form, NOT the other way around. It is the mind alone the makes all things and all experiences for you highest learning, Not the mind you consider to live in your brain but your real mind which is trans-temporal and all connected since there is only one mind seemingly appearing as many which is why Andy is more Psychic. He is simply more in touch with this non physical way of being. Belief that your body makes you sick is so funny since it’s simply untrue however since belief is very powerful almost everyone here believes this backwards perception so they remain powerless. I’m sure no one here really wanted to hear all that but it beats the Oprah game!! LOL . YOU GUYS ARE SO ENDEARING TO ALL YOUR LISTENERS!!! ALOHA

Shar says:

I wanted to share a similar experience (but with complete strangers) my husband and i went out in a different state/city than home, ran into this couple and from very early on in the night figured out that these people were swingers. Hey to each their own! however, my husband and I are only into each other, and neither of us would have it any other way. If YOU are not comfortable with that type of behavior, I also say bounce! I’m so sorry this happened to you. But I personally wouldn’t be able to get over it.. it would always be in the back of my mind! Especially since you asked her not to! Oh and I have to say, that night my hubby and I were toasted!!! Good luck!!

Lauren says:

Hi! I wanted to suggest the audio meditation program recently launched by a friend of mine, Caren Baginski. It’s called You Again Yoga, but is for meditation, not specifically yoga in terms of the exercise. She specializes in meditation techniques for people who have struggled with depression and anxiety. I found the program very centering and helpful, and the tracks are only about 8-10 minutes a day. You can do a 3 day trial and if you like it, it’s just $59 for the whole program right now. I know this sounds salesy, but I genuinely wouldn’t recommend it if I didn’t think it would resonate with you, especially Elizabeth! Cheers guys!

Richard C says:

I had a big deadline looming over me for the early part of this year. The month before it, my throat felt like it was tightening to the point of being unable to breathe. It was horrible.
But not long after the deadline came and went, the throat tightening went away.

Really hope the pitch works out for you, Elizabeth!

Mark says:

For the food couple: I think Elizabeth was basically right about this. You should represent yourself as a vegetarian. You can say something like “we’re basically vegetarian” or “we’re going vegetarian these days.” The real danger is that someone who has seen you eat meat in the past might speak up. In those cases I would just say, “once in a blue moon we’ll break the rules,” or “only on very special occasions,” or “we’re trying to avoid that these days.”

I would avoid going into the reasons meat is sometimes okay because, as Elizabeth demonstrated*, there is no way to describe your (totally valid) position without sounding like an asshole.

*I DO NOT think Elizabeth is an asshole. If she were, I wouldn’t listen every week. I’m saying that, despite her efforts, it can be impossible to talk about why you don’t eat meat or only sometimes eat meat without SOUNDING like an asshole. Same for the writers-in.

Sarah says:

Good call on the phrasing of “once in a blue moon we’ll break the rules”. I was thinking the same thing when I was listening – that someone might have seen them eat meat recently.

LA-LA says:

OH. MY. GOD. I feel SO bad for the 2nd-time writer inner whose girlfriend cheated on her with Ann (Dear Ann, you’re a skanky trash bag!). I also feel bad for the girlfriend. It’s incredible how you can ruin your life with one night of shitty decision-making. I agree with one of the commenters above who suggested a period of separation. 11 years is a lot to throw away for a one night mistake, and maybe some time apart will give the writer-inner some clarity about how to proceed.

Elizabeth, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your bachelorette party blackout story. I had a nearly identical experience a few weeks ago; drank too much at an out-of-town bachelorette bash, flirted a bunch, and blacked out part of the night. I was nauseous and crying about it off and on for days afterwards. Although nothing seriously bad happened, I couldn’t believe that I’d rolled the dice on hurting my incredible husband/marriage. Your story was salve to my guilty heart. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who’s had to learn that lesson the hard way.

**Definitely would love an “Andy Says Bounce!” Tshirt.

Liz says:

I had a similar issue to the sometimes-meat-eaters when I started eating meat again after years of being a vegetarian. At first I was very picky about what meat I ate, but there were no hard and fast rules to it. However, I didn’t face any issues with it because nobody expected me to eat meat, which I think was good advice from Elizabeth and Mark above. Market yourselves as “oh, most of the time we don’t eat meat” or “we’re trying to eat less meat” and people probably won’t bother you about it. Make it a health thing and people are more likely to get on board.

You are totally entitled to your beliefs and to eat however you’d like, but I would caution against starting a discussion with friends about it. I just found that life was a lot easier when I didn’t get into it. For some reason, nobody asks why I prefer to live in a city or any other lifestyle choice, but the way I eat is up for debate. People can get really defensive and judgmental about this subject, and it goes both ways. There’s no tactful way for you to explain to your friend who just cooked a meal for you why his meat isn’t high quality enough. It’s better to just let friends know that you’re probably not doing meat before you show up for dinner.

I know how it can suck when you have limitations on what you eat, but as an adult, it’s really on you to manage that stuff. Keep granola bars in your purse or have a back-up plan to run out for pizza. It doesn’t have to be that hard.

Jennifer says:

Elizabeth – After studying for the bar exam for 3 months, I sit down for the first hour of the six hour, two day test in a room of 3,500 people and immediately develop the WORST head cold! Snot was dripping on my bubble sheet! Then I run to the (one) bathroom for some makeshift tissues only to discover that my period arrived, and with my period, cramps!

squashblossom says:

Argh, my period also comes when I get really stressed! In junior high it would always rearrange its schedule so it arrived RIGHT on the first day of each new school year. So annoying.

I’ve had so many other incidents where my mental state made me sick…rashes when I get stressed, a horrible cough on the day I had to put my dog to sleep last year, and earlier this year I got SO sick on the day I had to quit my stressful job, which I was really nervous about. It’s too many coincidences for me to say that the mind and body are totally separate and that one doesn’t affect the other…I’ve had stress and anxiety make me sick so many times that I can’t possibly say it’s not related. So you guys are onto something there!

Dan says:

Hey, my wife, a Qi Gong practitioner pointed out to me that I get sick every time I have something big coming up, whether it is work, a bike race whatever. Damn if she isn’t right! And you really are sick!
Nice to hear it isn’t just me.

Andy is just drinking too much coffee. πŸ˜‰ Naw, he’s just in the groove, tired but wired, and running in a high gear. Don’t try to tap it, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Just enjoy it.

My wife works with people on meditation, and she has actually advised some people that a more active form of meditation, or exercise (yoga, etc.) is better because they (me) can’t sit still. I could elaborate, but I’m a competitive cyclist and she believes that being in that high state is basically the same thing.

On of my favorite intros to your show BTW! You guys are awesome. Congrats Elizabeth!

Kari Bonallo says:

What to do! My husband I I just got back from a great trip to tge SW ish LA awe…we had the best time!
Malubu Winery was an absolute blast…if you like wine, it’s a MUST GO! And if you’ve seen the episode of “Takjed” where they make the fish tank for the winery out of barrels, you can see it in person here. Pack up a picknic and prepare to spend a fun day of vino and live music here! Also Hermosa beach was an awesome day of bar hopping and listening to great pier music in the sun. Manhattan beach had a great gastro pub with like 80 beers on tap, amazing food and an cute little throw back candy store just down the st. You must try the maple bacon gelato! Have fun !!

Dani says:

I’m sorry, but the 11 year relationship for one night sounds like rape to me, and I’m surprised I’m the only one to say something about it. Maybe there was something in her drink which was why she blacked out. If someone is that drunk it is no longer consensual sex. The whole situation including the guy being forceful sounds very sketchy.

A says:

Wow, this was infuriating to listen to, and read the comments about.

I am not sure if anyone will ever read this because of how old this episode is, but I just found out about it in the wake of the writer-inner and her girlfriend’s break-up and had to give a listen.

I am Mary’s boyfriend who was there, and almost none of the descriptions of the events of that night or the next day actually went down as this writer-inner has described.

Mary and I did not leave and go upstairs, we were down with the group the entire time (including the writer-inner for a lot of it). It was all very silly, harmless activity (some touching and kissing that ended there) that quickly went nowhere and fizzled out. Side note: one of the first things that started all of this was the writer-inner taking my pants off in front of the group that evening. Everyone was shocked and confused, but rolled with it. No one (including Betty, who finally got a name) was blackout drunk.

I don’t want to go into all of the details of the night, but I feel badly for all of the listeners (and you hosts!) who put time and emotional energy into thinking about advice for someone in a completely fabricated scenario.

PS – Chris is an awesome guy, and there were clear jealousy issues that made the writer-inner feel negatively about him…jealousy that Chris was with Ann (something she couldn’t have…and their relationship is not NEARLY as bad as the writer-inner describes), and also jealousy that Mary and I were still so close to Chris…he had to be villainized for the writer-inner’s story to work, though.

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