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A Little Good With The Bad!

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 163

Elizabeth starts today’s episode with a little story about a heart-lifting moment she witnessed before she and Andy give their unqualified advice to listener questions about how to handle a breakup when you still have to live under the same roof, what to do about a boyfriend whose response to conflict is to just ignore you, how to handle the long painful road that is infertility, what to do about hurt feelings over your sisters bridal party, how to handle the feelings that come along with a lost wedding ring, what Elizabeth’s thoughts are on “112 Weddings” a documentary about marriage, how cope with the loss of a beloved pet, and lastly, how to handle the “stuff” that’s from a now estranged relative. Enjoy!


Juan says:

I have lost my ring twice and both times it came back to me. Can’t explain it. I was even wearing a replacement ring for 6 months when I found my missing ring. My wife was pretty upset both times.

Annie says:

Definitely get rid of all the stuff from your brother’s wife. Even if it is nice and practical- it will only carry bad ju-ju and you don’t need that in your life. When my brother’s wife left him the first thing I did was pile up everything she’d ever given me and gave it away. I have never once missed anything she gave me – even the Swarovski crystal necklace I was made to wear at their wedding 🙂

Wendi says:

Love your shows and alison Rosen is your new best friend! Didn’t realize the two of you were friends! You totally need to have her on one of your podcasts!! And I was very sad when I saw that little Oliver passed away from his attack. So sad.

Brian B says:

I think Alison has been on TLP, and Elizabeth has been on Alison’s podcast a couple of times. I’d suggest seeking them out- they’re great episodes!

Mark says:

For the writer-in who’s dog passed away.:

First, so sorry for your loss.

There are grief counselor a who specialize in the loss of pets. Contact your veterinarian; they ought to be able to recommend someone.

ERICA says:

To the writer-inner that’s dealing with living with an ex.. I’m going through LITERALLY the exact same scenario. This may be a southern thang but I was always taught to kill ’em with kindness. Karma is one hell of a BITCH and anything he does to get under your skin now is just a power play. Keep your cool and mind your own and things will dissipate and eventually you will be allowed to move on. Mine ‘move on’ comes this weekend… CAN’T WAIT!

Sarah says:

This is exactly the right (maybe not easiest) thing to do! When my ex and I separated, I was in the process of moving out of our house but still had things there. When I went to get more boxes (while he wasn’t home because we didn’t want to see each other) I saw, next to what was OUR bed, a huge box of condoms. Nice. I wasn’t even gone yet…what a slap in the face! I ignored it and saw it as a blatant reminder of why he didn’t deserve me. People do dumb things for whatever reason but try your best to be the better person and rise above. You will be ok…and eventually better than ok! Fantastic and better off is in your future! 🙂

Robin says:

I was devastated when I heard about Alison’s dog, especially after seeing him grow up on her instagram. Glad she has you Elizabeth as a friend, and, when they are up for it, have you to help them find a rescue dog to love.

Dominic says:

To the girl living with her ex, I’ve done that. Not great.

Kind of the same situation. Antidepressants made sex not… possible? Enjoyable?

But if you saw unopened condoms at your place the writer-inner should think, “Wow, look at all the sex he’s not having.”

I would caution against prying into his business further (unless it involves her animals). He’s not the writer-inner’s problem anymore. The fact that he’s maybe been cheating on her doesn’t do anything but it doesn’t change anything, except that it probably (definitely) wasn’t going to work because he was chatting with this girl without her knowledge. In a way, she dodged a bullet and getting more and more into a relationship when it would have caused more pain is not something you would have wanted.

I would say that the writer-inner should just be literally as nice as possible and try not to get into an arms race.

For the writer inner with the guy who gets mad and ignores you, just leave. Trust me. Dating someone who ignores you (and who knows that it annoys you) is not a good fit.

I hope I don’t sound like I’m reading into it too much, but he sounds borderline abusive to me. Or at least patronizing and misogynistic. He’s depriving the writer of intimacy and his presence like she’s supposed to be grateful for it. And he’s grooming her that serving him is expected and not doing it is punishable.

The worst thing is that he ignores her until HE’S ready. Her thoughts and feelings aren’t important to him. He’ll ignore her even when she presses, but I guarantee that if she were ignoring him, he’d lose his mind and sulk.

At the best, he’s just not a good communicator and he’s not interested in learning to be, so he’s not good boyfriend material. At the worst, he’s trying to groom you as his doting housewife who should be grateful for his attention and love. It’s just not healthy.

For the writer-inner who lost a pet, I definitely recommend the forums. When I was younger, our dog died at home of old age and my mom was beside herself with grief because she’d debated whether euthanasia was a viable option and didn’t opt for it. It tore her up but she’d try to be around people who had experienced similar losses, like people who were working pet charities. I’m sure you can find animal grief forums.

There are also people who throw themselves into charities or for raising awareness of certain diseases as a way to help spread the word; for hip dysplasia, bloat, heart disease, cancer… and so on.

Therapy also helps work through feelings of grief.

Time really does help. Pain doesn’t go away, but it feels less all-consuming. It also helps to understand that you gave the dog the best run of it they could have possibly had, and all the happiness the dog gave you was its way of saying thanks.

jahboom says:

I love your podcasts but I’m highly disappointed that you didn’t mention the Mike Brown incident that happened in Ferguson when you were talking about disheartening things that have happened recently. I know that’s like opening a can of worms so you may have intentionally avoided it but it seems a little backhanded.

Lauren says:

Dude, if Elizabeth listed out all of the crazy, depressing shit in the world that makes us all feel overwhelmed and powerless, you would still be listening to this episode of the podcast now. I think we can all agree that the situation in Ferguson is completely fucked up.

Sarah says:

Me three! There is no WAY that can of worms should get opened up. There are plenty of people already talking about it and like Lauren said…it’s clearly a super effed up situation.

Richard C says:

Aww, what a sweet moment with that lost kitty.
I like how whenever Elizabeth nearly cries it’s almost immediately followed by a bout of laughter.

Angela says:

To the woman who lost her pup- If you’re afraid you won’t feel the same with a new dog, maybe take it slow and foster a dog first? It would at least open you up to the possibility of loving another dog & you would be doing something good. This amazing couple I know started a foundation in memory of their dog and now they are saving dogs all over the country! ( if you want to know more!) They also have an amazing social media support group on their Facebook page where people share their doggie stories.

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