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The Love Language of 311

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Totally Married Podcast

Episode 289

Elizabeth and Andy discuss her love language and how that definitely involved a surprise serenade by 311. Then they quickly dive into giving their unqualified advice to listener questions about setting boundaries and communication around sex without removing all the sexy, how to broach the subject of hurt feelings to a sibling regarding your child’s birthday celebration (or lack thereof), how to navigate boundaries on social media with coworkers, how to know if you want kids or not and when is the right time to know, whether to include someone in your social circle who you do not like, how to learn to feel your feelings when you are depended upon to keep it all together, and lastly, how to set healthy boundaries with a toxic mother? Enjoy!


Beth says:

Hello! Just a follow up about social media and coworkers! I am the one that wrote in that that post- not long after I wrote in, a photographer that took some family photos of us posted the entire gallery on facebook, before we had even seen them. Long story short, I used that as a reminder about privacy and told my closest coworkers that in order to protect my son and the privacy of our family, I was going off of social media. It went over really well and they all responded kindly. Things have come up about personal boundaries since with my boss and ever since taking her off of my social media and making my boundaries clear, she has stopped shaming me in front of others and has stopped snapping at me. My husband also blocked my coworkers from his social media, which we don’t feel has hurt his business at all since they aren’t his customer base. I loved hearing your advice and it was a great take on the other option. Overall, I am so glad I did what I did because I feel like my personal life is mine again and I’m no longer wondering who saw what over the weekend. I am back in control and finally have the respect of my boss.

Elizabeth says:

Love this update!! So gracefully done and I’m taking notes 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

Leah says:

Hi Elizabeth and Andy!

I love this podcast and you guys so much, and since I didn’t discover it until this December, I have been going back and listening to all the back episodes! After lots of binge listening, I am almost caught up! I wanted to comment on this episode because even though I love you guys, Elizabeth said something that really rubbed me the wrong way and I felt the need to point out how there is some generalization going on. I’m a registered Republican who did not vote for Trump and who is just as disgusted with his actions as you two are. I know many registered Republicans who feel the same way, including my husband. I was hurt when Elizabeth said that any Republicans listening were a better person than she and then added “well, in some respects.” Trump is not a Republican. He is a conniving, self-righteous, disturbed man who has no business being president. I identify Republican for a variety of reasons, but mainly because I am pro-life. That does not mean I’m not a feminist or don’t believe in equal rights for all. I just believe life is sacred and no one has the right to take it. I don’t think that means that democrats are better than me, nor I better than them. Ever since the election many of my favorite podcasters have thrown out generalizations about Republicans, that frankly are akin to saying that all muslims are terrorists. As we all know, generalizations are dangerous. I do think that Paul Ryan and other leading Republicans need to stand against trump, they were so outwardly against him during the nominee race, and there is no way they truly align with him now. I’m disappointed with how most Republicans have handled the last several months too, so it has been hard to listen to so many people I look up to throwing these harsh generalizations my way. I still love the podcast (I’m currently waiting on the edge of my seat for an email of mine to be answered!) and you guys, but I did feel the need to address his issue, and I hope it didn’t come off the wrong way.

candice says:

Hi Leah,
im in a similar boat being that i am a republican who didnt vote for trump. but maybe since you arent caught up all the way to the podcast you didnt hear that the reason they save political pocket for the end of the show is so that people can skip it if they want.
Elizabeth’s politics arent a secret, and its her podcast, she is pretty good about not generalizing in 99% of the podcast and being very careful about not trying to offend people outright.
She wasnt talking about about you specifically and i wouldnt take it personally espcecially If you arent one of types of people she is referring to…

Leah says:

Hi Candace,

I know about political pocket being saved for the end, I choose to listen because I am open minded and don’t usually take any offense to anything that is said. I understand what you are saying, but what I fear is that it doesn’t seem like there is any acknowledgement that such Republicans exist. That’s all I mean! Im not trying to be critical, I think Elizabeth’s passion is great, I just think it’s important to not let anger and frustration toward some lead to such comments like “you’re a better person than I, well in some ways.” I don’t think anyone is wrong here, I’m just trying to present a point of view.

Sarah says:

The gift giving for the nephew’s birthday totally ties back to the love languages thing!

The writer-inner said the family usually sends birthday cards for each other and each others’ kids. If they usually send cards (sounds like this may be the first niece/nephew party any of them have attended since they don’t get together often?), then it probably didn’t occur to them to buy a gift. Plus, with all the preparation/traveling for the trip, maybe they just didn’t think about buying gifts.

Since the writer-inner sends gifts and bought the nieces/nephews souvenirs on the trip, it sounds like gift giving is the writer-inner’s love language. I don’t think the sisters are bring rude by not bringing gifts, it just doesn’t occur to them because it’s not their love language. I imagine this is still annoying because of course you want your baby to be acknowledged on his birthday, and you want people to reciprocate your level of gift-giving.

If this is an every-year occurrence, maybe you can say something before the next birthday party, although I don’t know how you do this without bringing up past years’ transgressions, which seems sort of petty. If this was an isolated incident, I say chalk it up to the frenzy of traveling with kids and put it behind you.

Kate says:

I completely agree with you. If your love language isn’t gift giving, this is not big deal. Especially since everyone probably spent so much $$ on traveling. Bringing it up would just cause unneeded tension. Seems like the writer-inner needs to let it go and focus on keeping family encounters positive. Also, since the gift giving love language is the only one that requires $$, it can be perceived differently by those who “speak” other love languages.

Allie says:

I had to write in about the vacation/gift question. I think the writer-Iner was clear that the sisters normally do gifts for nieces and nephews…BUT this time they didn’t for her son. My first thought was, “ok, so what? You all spent a lot of money to be together on this birthday.” Perhaps there should have been cards, cake, etc….but my thought is, DO NOT bring this up to your family! At all. No matter how nicely you bring it up you will look petty.

I am not a gift giver and do not actually want to receive gifts from family…I set my example by not giving gifts to help guide my expectations, wishes, etc. For birthdays I usually prepare a meal, take the person out to dinner, etc. I have a family member who spends so much money and time on gifts but she enjoys that and I happily accept the gifts. I spend time with the person and do something nice for them. I get that it’s different when it involves children; and agreed, they should have done SOMETHING, but I’d wait until next birthday/Christmas to see if this was a one off or the new norm before even considering calling them out. It would likely cause gossip, drama, and unnecessary tension.

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