Shower Faux-Pas!
03.27.13 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 50
In this landmark 50TH!! episode E and A discuss Andy’s cleaning lady snafu as well as do follow ups to Sexpectations. Then they answer listener questions about falling in love with your best friend and how to deal with a difficult mother. Thanks Laimeweds for making the last 50 episodes so much fun! Enjoy!
6 Comments!
In response to the writer-in-er about the best-friend that he wanted to be the girl-friend, there were a few things that I wanted to point out having been in similar situations before.
He commented that he would have understood her rejection more if she was seeing someone else. This is something that I have experienced before, where guys can’t seem to understand that if I am not interested in them, then it must be because there is someone else, and couldn’t possibly be because I’m simply not interested in them. It is as if that is the only logical reason I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with that person is because there is someone else. And whether she had feelings at one point, it isn’t fair to ‘hold that against her’ and not understand that just because she might have had feelings at one point, she has any obligation to continue to have those feelings now.
In general I agree with what you both said, but one thing you said that I don’t entirely agree with is the definition of whether or not they are dating, because of their dinner-and-a-movie and mainly the fact that he picks up that tab. I have a long time guy friend, and he makes waaaay more money than me and all my friends (yay for him working in the oil industry), and when we go out for dinner/drinks, he always picks up my tab (I know he does this when he goes out with all of our girlfriends), because he makes so much more than me, he won’t less me pay. I think it is very well understood in our group that this by no means shows that he is interested in us, and it is strictly platonic. As for the writer-in-er, it sounds like since they’ve been good friends for 10+ years, those dinners/movie ‘dates’ has been with the understanding that they were friends only, and nothing more. So for him/you guys to now say, ‘well he was paying for it so it’s kind of like a date’, I don’t think is fair to the girl because at the time of those ‘dates’, to her they were just friends, even though he was feeling more and hadn’t yet shared his feelings, so she wouldn’t have known that, and therefore he might have had different ‘intentions’ or thoughts of it more as a date.
As for moving on from this, it’s a tough position. I’ve lost friendships from similar situations, because when I would try to hang out with that friend again, the friendship felt less genuine because I knew he wanted more out of the relationship that I did. I think in taking the chance to tell her these things, you take the risk of changing the relationship forever (either good, you end up together, or bad, you lose your friend). Give it time and space, and I think you can’t force anything, but just let is see where it naturally falls, and you have to be okay with it potentially being over entirely.
And final thing, agree with Elizabeth (sorry Andy), no Hail Mary. She has already expressed to him she doesn’t want anything more, and last attempts from him will most likely not win her over, and probably just seem desperate and make her feel that much ‘uglier inside’, for not being able to return these feelings that he is throwing at her.
Sorry that got kind of rant-y and rambly. Just wanted to give my feedback since you both talk about how that is your favorite thing about TM!
Congrats on 50! so exciting!
I was just wondering to myself why you hadn’t had on Howard Kremer yet haha.
Alex, this will actually be Howard’s second appearance on Totally Laime. Check out episode #116! http://www.totallylaime.com/2012/05/11/episode-119-howard-kremer/
paying for dinner is such a weird and archaic way of telling if you are dating someone. Even among my friends, we tend to take turns paying for meals for each other out of courtesy. or one pays for movie, the other pays for a few rounds of drinks later on. Probably not a wise thing to base your ‘status’ on.
Personally, though, I fall into the ‘friend zone’ as Chris Rock tells it, way too often. I end up being the practice BF for girls and I’m too passive/aggressive to assert what I want from them. Which means that once I’ve built up their confidence the find some other guy. Being too nice is definitely a hindrance sometimes. I’m still working on changing that and trying to be more direct. Hem-hawing around on things of the heart is just a recipe for failure.
I don’t know if this is “advice” necessarily, but I’ll write about my similar experience, from a girl’s POV. I met a guy when I was 17 (I’m now 27) and we were flirtatious off the bat and even made out at the party we met at. We started to get to know each other and clicked, but our momentum was thrown off when I introduced him to my best friend and they began dating. I hadn’t been vocal or forward about my feelings for him, so I backed up and let them have their space for awhile. While they were together, I witnessed first-hand their entire relationship and eventually dating him sounded like it wasn’t for me. But he was still great and when they broke up, he and I continued our friendship well into college. We were extremely close, always together, even staying over and sleeping in the same bed. There was always light flirting and some sexual tension, but I never acted on it because we had such a good thing going. I know he would have liked to have something more, but at this point I really just thought of him as my super fun best friend who happened to be attractive.
Fast forward, we both entered into serious relationships. While there was jealousy on both our parts in the beginning because of the lack of hangout time, we eventually let go and focused on our own separate lives. I think he had finally given up on me. It’s been a few years now, we still talk but are in separate cities. I think both of our relationships are currently going south, and I really miss him. I have been thinking about him as more than a friend and would consider trying again.
Maybe if you and this girl spend some time apart she will later realize what she gave up. For me, making my own mistakes helped me figure out what’s good for me. So I would suggest focusing on other aspects of your life now, and have faith that it will all work out for you in the end.
First, my wife and I really enjoy both of your podcasts.
With respect to the last question about dealing with parents and weddings, I had a similar experience except it was the opposite: my parents were very adamant about us having a big wedding and we wanted a small wedding. Our decision was due to other considerations beyond money. The most important of which were that there were extended family on my side that for various reasons we didn’t want to invite and inviting some relatives and not others would have caused a great deal of chaos that I just didn’t want to have threaten our ability to enjoy our day. For example, it would not be out of the realm of possibilities that one or more of these uncles might try to crash the wedding, most likely drunk or otherwise disruptive, and so limiting who knew the details was important to us and would not have been possible if most of the extended family knew. We limited it to just our parents, 3 living grandmothers at the time, and siblings. The extended family that we are close to were disappointed, but respected our decision.
My advice to the couple is to stand your ground and establish boundaries. This is your day and do what will make you happy. We had a very uncomfortable conversation with my parents regarding this, where basically they implied that they would not come if certain people weren’t invited (not the disruptive relatives, but the relatives with whom we were close to). Basically, we called their bluff and told them directly that we were doing the wedding that we wanted and that although it would break our hearts to not have them there, if that was their decision, then we understood. I know that they were very hurt by these words, but ultimately they did come to the wedding and it was a very special day for all the participants. The only fallout was that they didn’t get us a wedding present, which I thought was petty and rather ridiculous, but just decided to let it go.
This part isn’t really relevant to the question, but for anyone else who finds themselves in the position of wanting a smaller wedding than parents, we’ve now been married 7.5 years and our planning to have a ceremony to renew our vows on our 10th anniversary (we are going to state clearly that we don’t want gifts, lest it seem like trying to get gifts 10 years later is the motivation; we just want to celebrate our marriage). The concern about the uncles who would be disruptive is now a moot point due to a death, a jail sentence, and institutionalization in a state mental hospital (told you they were winners). Anyway, we plan to make this another very special day and are very much looking forward to it.
But really, stand your ground and do what will make you and your future spouse happy.