Hey guys,
I’m the writer inner that started dating her boyfriend at a young age and I’ve gotta say I’m just a little bummed out. I love the podcast and was really excited to hear your response to my question because you are usually very supportive and congratulate writter-inners about relationship milestones. Today I felt none of that love as you just wrote off the past five years of my relationship as illegal and portrayed me as a cougar that scopes our playgrounds for prey. Yes, the numbers make it seem really weird because we were BOTH very young when we started dating, but now I am just a 24 year old dating a 20 year old. I made the joke about being a creeper in my email because I have dealt with judgement and disapproval for the past five years of my life due to people make assumptions that are untrue. Normally if I am the one to make a joke people just let it go and it usually doesn’t bother me like it did today. It may be because I was really looking forward to listening and I had to turn the podcast off for a while to gather my thoughts before I could finish.

It is possible for people to date for a long time without sleeping together or crossing certain boundaries. I just want to point out that there were no laws broken and our current relationship is wonderful and amazing. In fact, we didn’t even live in the same city for the first three years as I was in college and he was not. I would return to my home town for a visit and we would spend time together. It created many struggles that we had to work through but it also created an amazingly strong bond. We just recently moved in together and are planning on spending the rest of our lives together.

In hindsight, I should have just said that we can’t hit up the bar or club scene instead of laying down our ages. I may have opened myself up to ridicule but wasn’t expecting as much as your gave. I also mentioned that I am a scientist not to brag or try to talk myself up but because I have been listening for a very long time and remember the episode that you said that you didn’t think that any scientists listen to the podcast and I wanted to let you know that you can add one to the scientist listener group!

I know that it was most definitely not your intention to bum me out but I just felt the need to let you know! I hope that in turn I don’t bum YOU out. Thank you so much for the suggestions about things to do in St. Louis. I’m sure that we will try to do a few things you mentioned, especially the frozen custard place.

WHOA BANGS!!

Haven’t listened yet but how young/old are those BANGS? They are hot.

I’m writing anonymously due to the private nature of this topic, in order to respond to the writer inner who asked about how to deal with a boyfriend with a lower sex drive. Her situation sounds very similar to what my husband and I have experienced. At about a year into our relationship, I realized that we weren’t having sex very often and that I was usually the one initiating it. I won’t pretend to have all of the answers, but I can describe my experience and hope that some of it will be helpful. I’ll make sure to check back in case the writer inner responds to my comment with any follow up questions.

First of all, if a difference in sex drive is a dealbreaker (a.k.a. you’ll never be truly happy), it’s reasonable to get out now, just like it would be if you knew that you were fundamentally incompatible in terms of desire for kids. Sex is an important part of life (for most people), and it’s ok to have it be a priority in choosing your life partner. For me, my husband and I connect in so many incredible ways that our difference in sex drive is not enough to undermine our bond, so we went into our marriage knowing that this was something we’ll always have to deal with.

A few things that *may* be going on with your boyfriend:
-low testosterone levels or another medical problem (he can get this checked out)
-he may be asexual (many asexual people, though not interested in sex, do form committed loving relationships)
-he may have a sexual interest/fetish that he’s afraid to share with you. Don’t freak out about this possibility. My husband has a couple of fetishes that took him a long time to admit to me. Even though they were actually extremely common and benign fetishes that don’t bother me, his conservative upbringing left him with a lot of shame so I am slowly working on making him comfortable with his interests. If this is the case, you could work his interests into your sex life to make it more appealing to him. Or even just knowing that you’re ok with his interests might make him desire sex more because it will chip away at his shame.
-there might be a physical issue that makes him less interested in sex. Examples include difficulty keeping an erection (such that he has to concentrate extremely hard to sustain one, making it more work than fun), having less sensitivity in his genitals so it’s not as pleasurable for him, or difficulty coming
-he might have had previous relationships in which he was made to feel ashamed about sex, which affects his interest now
-he might just be at the low end of the normal curve of sexual desire. Our society has stereotypes about men’s sexual desire and although it’s true *on average* that men tend to want more sex than women, there are exceptions: some women wants lots of sex; some men want little sex. Unfortunately, the stereotypes about men’s sex drive make it hard for men with a lower sex drive to be honest about it, so you don’t hear very often about men with lower sex drive (though this is changing more recently, and we’re hearing more and more about it)
-he might want sex more often than you two are having it now but have difficulty initiating it, or he may just prefer to not be the one to initiate it

Some possible solutions for you two:
-Have honest and open discussions. Be gentle: don’t frame the issue as his fault or anything he should be ashamed of (after all, it’s not his sex drive that’s the problem; it’s the disparity in your sex drives). Focus your discussions on how the two of you can work on this issue together, in order to solidify your bond
-If the issue is that you want sexual release more often than you have it now, try masturbating more often. This is a great way to get to know yourself better and to get the sexual release without it involving an obligation to your partner. If the issue is also that you want the bonding that occurs with sex, masturbate while your boyfriend holds you and then cuddle afterward. This is a great lower-stress way where you can be sexual together in a way that may get around your boyfriend’s lower sex drive. If what you want is to regain some of the passion that you had in your first few weeks together (where the excitement of the new relationship probably meant you were having a lot of sex despite the difference in your sex drives), try making out more often or going on exciting dates (as opposed to watching Netflix every weekend in sweatpants)
-Consider an open relationship. This one is not a great option for most people but it definitely works for some. If you decide to try this (with your boyfriend’s full consent), do a bunch of research first into the different possibilities for an open relationship so you approach it in a way that helps your relationship instead of harming it. (Note, unless both of you are immediately comfortable with an open relationship, I would kick this possibility way down the road to a time when you have been together for so long that you know your bond is strong and can survive the challenges of an open relationship.)
-Try sex therapy. My husband and I have done this and it’s been helpful. It’s definitely not a fun and sexy experience (unlike what Andy was suggesting) and it can actually be really challenging because you’re discussing an incredibly intimate aspect of your relationship that you’re both nervous about. It’s scary, because it can feel like this aspect of your relationship is at risk of tearing your bond apart, so it can be very difficult. But for us, we found that (despite his apprehension about seeing a therapist) we were able to have some really amazing conversations together facilitated by the therapist, that we might not have been able to have on our own (or it would have taken a much longer time, at the point where the harm to our relationship might have already been done).
-If your boyfriend agrees that it would be good to have sex more often but he’s just not good at initiating, definitely schedule sex. Just like you’re not randomly going to find yourself at a nice restaurant both dressed up and ready to eat, you’re also not all that likely to randomly find yourself both ready for sex at the same time. You schedule dates, so schedule sex too. Definitely find the time of day that works best for you both, and don’t do things right before that time that are hard to pull yourself out of (e.g. don’t turn on your favorite TV show on Netflix 25 minutes before you planned to have sex).

I said at the beginning of this (very long) post that my husband and I went ahead with our relationship because we knew that the amazing parts of our relationship outweighed this difficulty we shared regarding sex drives. But I want to emphasize that if we hadn’t talked about this issue frequently (and continue discussing it to this day), and in a respectful and loving way (without assigning blame or raising voices), it definitely had the potential to undermine our bond. Having a subject that is taboo or awkward that is also incredibly personal can really drive a wedge between two people. This is why I’m so thankful that we started addressing it right at the beginning. Don’t diss your sex life to your girl friends, and don’t ever bring up his low sex drive as a way to insult him during an argument; these will sabotage your relationship. Don’t be freaked out if your initial discussions about this are uncomfortable and if he doesn’t want to talk about it. It takes time to feel comfortable discussing such an intimate topic, even with the person you love.

I hope some of this helps. I really wanted to weigh in since our situations sound so similar.