Don’t Say Funky Funky!
04.20.15 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 198
Elizabeth and Andy dive into listener questions today right off the bat because there are so many great ones! They discuss therapy, sexual frustrations in a relationship, whether or not to make a long distance relationship work for your career, and then a doozy regarding how much to let your untreated bi-polar mother into your life after a traumatic childhood. Enjoy!
18 Comments!
Way to go to the 19 year old who just shared their first kiss! I started dating my wife at your age and we had our first kiss around 4 months in. We’ve been married for 4 years now.
I’m just echoing Elizabeth by saying that Andy really seems like such a great, likeable guy. Super funny with an interesting (and successful) career. I don’t know if it’s insecurity or something else, but Andy doesn’t really realize how awesome and hilarious he is.
I have an idea that would be really fun and interesting for the podcast: a Q&A episode! As in, questions about Elizabeth and Andy. It would be awesome to learn random little things about both of you, and maybe even test how well you know each other. Sure, as a long-time listener I feel like I “know” you, but then again I really don’t. You could even get a sitter for Teddy and get drunk in the spirit of a good party game.
Thanks for the awesome podcast!
Love this idea!
I can totally relate to the writer-inner that has the issues with her Mom. Growing up, my Dad was a classic “dead-beat” that would make promises and never deliver and tell me he’s on his way to come pick me up for the weekend and never show up, plus an alcoholic/drug user on top of that. This and a lot more continued for the first 16 years of my life. Something in his mind completely switched around and now at 26 (and for the last 10 years) I cannot escape his smothering. He calls 5-10 times a day and if I don’t answer he will immediately text 3-5 times. If I don’t respond he thinks I’m dead in a ditch somewhere and will continuously try to contact me on every form of social media I have. The phone calls I do pick up involve him asking questions about what/where/how much I’m eating, whether or not I have enough money in my bank account and if I’ve paid my bills every month, how much my paychecks are, who I’m with, where I’m going and so many more extremely personal questions that are none of his business.
Over the past three months my older sister and I have been seeing a family counselor about how to deal with this over-bearing parent without being “mean” and her advice to us was to set limits on the number of times and ways that we can be contacted (in my case: 3 calls a day, max and ignore the text messages that aren’t immediate and address them in one of your phone calls). Don’t share what you aren’t comfortable with (which seems pretty easy but it becomes a slippery slope when it comes to a parent). The rest of the advice we received pertained more to the alcohol/drug issues so not really applicable here. But you’re not alone writer-inner! My situation hasn’t gotten better yet but I hope it will be soon as I hope yours does!
Elizabeth, you hit the nail on the head about changing perspective on parental relationships. My Dad is a borderline narcissist/sociopath who has done some terrible things to my Mom and siblings, including cheating on my Mom and leaving her while she was pregnant and on bed rest with my little sister, leaving me to take care of her and my other siblings, as best as a high school freshman could. Little sis almost died because cord was wrapped around her neck and the placenta was breaking apart, quite possibly from the stress of my Dad’s horrible manipulations during divorce proceedings. If Mom had not sensed something was wrong and driven HERSELF to the hospital right away for an emergency c-section, the doctor told us that my sister would probably have died in utero and my Mom would have had severe complications. And my Dad was off living it up with his mistress, who he married mere months after my sister was born. We found about the wedding through an announcement in the local newspaper (who announces a wedding to your mistress in a local newspaper after everyone knows you left your pregnant wife? God, he was horrible). We, his five children, were not even told about it, nor were we invited. We were ages 15, 13, 11, 5, and a newborn. There are pages and pages of shit he has pulled through the years and we have all been severely emotionally affected by it in one way or another…it is so sad the horrible things we humans inflict on each other. It took YEARS of grieving and coming to terms that I will never have the kind of father or the relationship with my Dad I’d like to have. Just because he is my father, doesn’t mean we have to be close, nor do I have to put any energy in to a relationship with him. I turn my energy towards positive relationships in my life and it was a huge relief once I let go that I am missing out on something. It also affected my desire to have children, which are feelings that I grapple with on an almost daily basis as Mr. Coco and I start planning for a family. So instead, I focus on the positives: he was a great provider growing up, he was there for me during a rough situation I went through in my 20’s for which I am eternally grateful, and I am surrounded by amazing family members who rock, including a wonderful stepdad. There will always be a part of me that will grieve not having any closeness with my Dad but the turning point was letting go my expectations for what a father should be. Luckily, he has never tried to smother any of us with attention as I can only imagine how confusing that would be! Erica is right, you are not alone and I hope you both get through these situations as best as possible. My heart goes to you.
Also, do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, especially when you have children, regardless if it hurts your Mom’s feelings!!! You have to protect you, your husband, and future children. Do not let her move in, do not leave your children with her if you question their safety under her care and do not feel guilty about putting your foot down AT ALL! Seriously.
I really needed to hear Elizabeth’s statement about children and narcissism. It was a tangent but I had particularly challenging morning with my little boy and I needed the reminder that his behavior isn’t personal and my perseverance is really important right now. Thank you!
Holy shit guys this is one of the funniest podcasts in a long time and Andy was on fire making Elizabeth laugh so hard it was a joy to listen to, I was laughing just as hard!! thanks for the joy, Aloha!!!
Mr. Coco and I were having a ball listening to the episode over breakfast this morning. So much laughter!
+1. This episode was so so good! It was hilarious (sorry, but Andy’s reaction to the masturbation “confession” gives me life) and moving (again Andy expressing his gratitude for Elizabeth and the conversation you had about couple’s therapy.)
Your marriage and your love give me the warm fuzzies. Thank you so much for the podcast, guys!
To the writer inner with the difficult mother. I totally know what you are going through.. my parents split when i was 7 or 8 and (not that it was all peaches before that because it was NOT) my mother would stay in her room and do meth for weeks at a time, we always had random people in our house and my sister, brother and i relied on each other a lot.. we moved a lot and it was hard on us. I was the adult in the relationship and i still (at age 29) feel like i am. I moved out at age 15 to live with my best friends family. I worked after school and paid for my own car and cell phone etc. I am about to turn 30, I am happily married with 3 awesome kids and my mother has always been around but I’ve always kept her at arms length.. my kids love her and i think that’s the only reason she is still in my life.. Things got bad about a year and a half ago when she lost her apartment and begged to stay with us, That lasted about 2 months until i had to kick her out.. she moved up to Seattle to my single brothers house (8 hours away from where i am) and she got a job, eventually her own place and is doing great. She visited us recently which she paid for herself. I am proud of her but i still have walls up and that’s OK.. I think you’re doing great.. Elizabeth gave good advice. Do not let her stay with you at any point in time, kids or not. And just know that she is who she is and you can’t change that. And you will be an amazing mother because you have your head on straight and recognize that your mother is not ok.. I used to wonder the same thing.. Some days i beat myself up if I’ve been inpatient or grumpy with my kids or my husband.. but tomorrow is a new day. No mother is perfect. Just be the best you can
Totally intrigued about what has made it such a crazy week for you guys! Hope all is well! And I agree with everyone… HILARIOUS episode. You guys are awesome!
To the person with the difficult mom, I wanted to gently say that even those of us who have “good moms” have issues with them, and it might be helpful to know that. In your letter you talked about things you never had, like hair braiding and talks about boys and so on. My mom and I love each other, but we never did any of that either, and I too have grieved a bit the distance between the relationship I wish I had, and the one I actually have.
Obviously your mom was actually neglectful and terrible and I do not want to underestimate that- I think Elizabeth was right that you need to really grieve the loss to come to terms with it.
After that though, I think it would be interesting for you to check in with your friends and other people about how their relationships to their parents are, and see that its common for there to be a gap between what you want and what you have in parent-child relations. I have a few friends with great uncomplicated relationships with their moms, but they are not the rule. It might be healing to see that you aren’t alone in that regard.
Also, I wanted to say that you may not have a blood relative grandma to offer your future kid, but there are probably other ways to have those kinds of relationships. There are lots of nice older people out there who don’t have kids or are on their own and you could be friends with them. Volunteering at a retirement community, joining a church or a charity with an older group, etc, you might meet some really neat aunts or uncles. I had a babysitter who was my mom’s friend’s mother, who was like a local substitute grandma for me when I was a little kid.
I loved the advice to the writer-inner with the bipolar mother. Her email sounded like the mother was smothering her so much she felt that she should let down all boundaries and give in. I’m glad you guys told her to stay strong. It’s so important, especially once you have children, to maintain boundaries, even with loving family members!
My paternal grandmother is a narcissist and constantly attempts to steamroll any boundaries we set up with her. She completely disregards our values and intrudes in our lives, at least she has in the past. She is my constant practice of maintaining strong and clear boundaries and provides me a lesson of why this is crucial for our own well-being. So it may seem exhausting to have to CONSTANTLY reinforce the same boundaries over and over again, keep it up. You’ll be glad in the long run you didn’t get steamrolled and allow things to happen (especially with your children) that you didn’t want to happen.
I also loved Elizabeth applying the “treat them like children” methodology here. It was a great reminder that I don’t need to explain every minutia of our decisions to my grandmother. So thanks Elizabeth for the good take-away I had from this episode
Elizabeth, I totally understand your bashfulness about discussing masturbation (I also grew up not talking about things like that), but there should be no shame about admitting you do it. It’s not not-ladylike, and in fact, I think it’s a great way of feeling more confident about your body, more in touch with your sexuality, and obviously it’s something people who are attracted to women are interested in (since there are so many porn videos with women masturbating), so I think it’s very ladylike (whatever that means). Also, you were quick to dismiss the idea of a woman watching her husband masturbate but mutual masturbation can be really enjoyable and a bonding experience. I wouldn’t dismiss it, as it’s a potentially good solution to try for the writer inner’s problem.
This is late in coming but to the writer in who is facing a long distance relationship in grad school. I’m in medical school in a long distance relationship ( about three hours away also) going on year two with two left and it has gone great so far. I’m so busy during the week that honestly I have no time
for a girlfriend anyway so when we see each other on the weekends its that much more fun and relaxing! If you both trust each other and are determined to make it work you will. Of course it has its challenges and bumps in the road but its al worth it at the end of the day.
This is also for the writer- inner that wrote in about her bipolar mom. So much of what she had to say was similar to what I went through with my mom. She was mentally ill when we were growing up and wasn’t a good mother. I had to grow up and be a little adult at a very young age in order to take care of her and my younger siblings. Then, when I was an adolescent she developed serious alcoholism which intensified everything. I got away as soon as possible. I thought I had dealt fairly well with the emotional consequences of my upbringing until she decided to move in next door to me after the birth of my first child. I couldn’t stop her. At the time I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it. Plus, she was worse in every regard. Untreated mental illness and out of control alcoholism. I lived next door for 5 years before I couldnt take it anymore and moved 20 miles away. I realized that I still didn’t have the tools to cope and didn’t have a clue how to have a relatively sane relationship with her. Then I started attending Al-Anon. It changed my life. I was skeptical at first particularly because I’m an atheist but the people in that group have a lot of wisdom. I have learned so many practical things about boundaries and communication…. not to mention having a whole support group that I can vent to that truly understand. That’s my advice, writer-inner. Find a support group that can help you learn how to navigate this relationship so that its healthy for you. I’ve also been to therapy. But the group has taught me more than I thought possible and now I can have a sane, working relationship with my mom for the first time in my life. Good luck to you. I know how painful it is but you can do it.
Just to be clear…. I think it is possible to have a working relationship with your mom if you can gain the tools and the insight to change the dynamic on your end. It takes work but I never thought it was possible for me and I’ve discoved a way that works. That said, you’ll have to put yourself and your children first. If you find that the safest thing for you is to cut off contact then do it. And don’t feel guilty. That might sound selfish but I don’t think it is. Only you, writer-inner will be able to decide what’s best for you. And your kids. But find someone to talk to who will understand and be able to help you clarify your true feelings about it. And I’d suggest it be someone that you dont know. Not a current friend or family member but a support group or a therapist so that it’s a fresh, unentangled perspective.