Elizabeth,

As far as the drunken mother who took off with the baby… I have custody of a child whose parent is an addict…. I had to go to the county clerks office and file for temporary guardianship… the judge just granted that immediately. However i would advise them to contact an attorney about possibly getting emergency custody. (if you can even do that without even having the child) They would be able to help the writer inner more accurately.

To the writer inner with the annoying in-laws.

First off, Father-in-law will get over it. Middle names are rarely used (unless the kids are in trouble hehehe). I wouldn’t worry about any of it. Making a big deal out of it could either prolong the agony of the comments (that is what would happen in my family) or cause an unneeded and unwanted strain on a relationship. Is it really worth it.

As far as the Mother-in-law is concerned. She is probably trying to relate to you more then you think. Don’t over think it. If it really bothers you, take a break from talking to her when you know she is going to hit a raw nerve. Such as (though you love them to pieces) the annoying part of having little ones under your feet while you are trying to fold laundry, vacuum, do dishes, etc. Remember some people truly believe their pets are like children. Most parents after having kids understand the difference but some forget after a while I guess.

For the writer-inner with the alcoholic/bipolar mother, I would also suggest the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward which really does a great job of examining how to deal with people who have parents with mental issues or substance abuse issues, and also how to go on and heal from them and also how to speak or relate to them.

It really is a beautiful but heartbreaking book. I believe you can buy the book or find a free PDF copy of it online.

But I definitely agree, therapy or Al-Anon groups would really help with the idea of feeling less alone and knowing how to handle this.

I would also really suggest the writer-inner try talking things over with the father because he’s been in the thick of it too and in some way has been sort of the silent enabler of the mother. It could be really easy to feel resentment towards him even if it’s never been there before.

I would also just keep an eye on the mother, and if she keeps making those kinds of vague threats of her not being around, you might also want to consider getting the police involved if you think she’ll be a suicide risk. That might be a really hard step, but you can never tell how serious they actually are especially if there’s alcohol and/or a mental illness involved.

Re: Elizabeth’s question about therapy and diagnoses…

From what I’ve learned from clinical psychologists I work with (for my job, not as a patient), a diagnosis is almost always given when meeting with a client which is probably the most frustrating thing about the mental health field. This is typically for insurance purposes and a diagnosis can be given even if a clinical interview or standardized testing cannot be conducted. However, the diagnosis can change throughout time and with testing, and I know it can be a pain to remove a former diagnosis from your medical history so that future doctors will not show bias when interacting with you. A diagnosis and method of treatment is also dependent on the type of therapist you’re seeing. So, a clinical psychologist would be more focused more on guided cognitive behavioral therapy, giving clinical interviews (asking patients specific standardized questions but open answers are given) and giving the patient standardized measures (with specific response choices) based on popular and current research. Counseling psychologists do not always follow CBT but use other approaches like humanistic or ACT; and are more Freudian in their approach to therapy (not as structured and can withhold information from their clients). If you have a diagnosis like bipolar you’d probably be better off seeing a clinical psychologist than a counseling psychologist (but this also depends on the treatment the client thinks works best for them). Different approaches to therapy are employed depending on the diagnosis given as well. I’m pretty sure it is a client’s right to know what their diagnosis is no matter what, but that probably could also depend on the therapist- but you are definitely getting your diagnosis if you are referred to a psychiatrist for medication, because you need to know why you’re receiving such meds. I’m not sure about therapists who are strictly Freudian or give counseling at a master’s level. And, with the clinical training I’ve received I understand that it’s actually a relief for patients to be told their diagnosis because, even if there’s stigma attached, now that you have identified your illness or disorder, that should the stress/anxiety/depressing that results from not knowing what’s wrong with you.

You are also correct to think of bipolar as being different from borderline and narcissistic diagnoses. Bipolar is in a completely different class of disorders, and borderline and narcissism are personality disorders. Borderline is “easier” (for lack of a better word) to find in clients because narcissists are very reluctant to receive help or recognize that anything is wrong even when they have very disastrous personal relationships.

My two cents about the writer inner that experienced a miscarriage. I may be misreading the writer-inner’s email.
But I too, had a miscarriage…and I was surprised at my husbands own mourning process. He was so worried about me, and the focus was so on me for a while….that he had a distinct delayed mourning period a few weeks later where everything hit him that he had lost a child as well. That time that the writer inner and her husband were pregnant…he was envisioning a child as well…and though everyone mourns very differently, and the feelings of carrying a baby and losing it are so profound, lets not discredit the confusing feelings and emotions that men might be going through as well. Especially if she said that he isn’t great at expressing himself. He might not even be sure what he’s feeling right now.
When I heard the harsh words and lashing out that was going on from her husband, the first thing I thought was he must be going through things as well. It must be confusing for a husband to lose a child and temporarily lose their wife as well. To feel so completely helpless that you just want to fix it, and for your wife to be back to the happy person she used to be. Dare I say, maybe they can go through a period of resenting the pregnancy. I think men sometimes come off insensitive to us, and we’re really reacting to their outward (sometimes unhealthy) words and confusing anger. But for a man who has a hard time expressing himself (my husband is the same) they’re not able to put into words those emotions.
Even though you want to get pregnant right away, and feel it will help you look to the future, maybe he needs time. To get back to normal, and to feel like he has you back and he didn’t lose your relationship as well as a child.
As Andy said, I think sex that isn’t for conception and intimacy between you two will really help him to feel grounded and connected again.
These things sometimes do take time. And you are, after all, in this together.

Here’s my random Laime moment of the week: I work in data entry in the medical field, and today was entering info for a patient whose diagnosis code was “311”. I thought ‘hmm, that’s funny, 311, like the band - first time that number’s come up’ I entered the number into the proper field, which populates the next blank with the actual diagnosis, which is, “Depressive state not otherwise specified”. Do with that what you will, Elizabeth.