I Thought About You!
11.30.15 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 229
Elizabeth and Andy discuss forgetfulness and giving Thanks before giving their unqualified advice to listener questions about how to handle a friend’s wedding gift giving snafu, what to do about a long term best friendship that continuously takes you for a ride, how to decide if having another child now makes sense financially and emotionally, and a huge question (listener input requested!) about letting go of past loves or do we all carry them with us? Enjoy!
14 Comments!
Shout out to the writer inner railroad wife! I’m in the same situation with an almost 2 year old and would love to connect with you!
To the writer-iner who was upset that her bridesmaid did not get her a gift, I think Elizabeth and Andy’s comments were right on. It sounds like she may not hold gifts up to the same standard as you do. I know people who show affection almost strictly through monetary and tangible gifts. I am somewhere in the middle and it can be rocky sometimes trying to figure out what is right.
Though I know it is standard etiquette to give gifts at a wedding, I think it’s important to recognize that it IS NOT A REQUIREMENT. It is not a requirement to give a gift if you attend, or are invited to a wedding. It is standard “etiquette” to do so, but not a requirement. I think people get so caught up in how much money they have to spend, or how much money someone spent on them for X, Y and Z events related to getting married or having a baby and that is very petty.
If the bridesmaid was there for you on your day, and fulfilled her “duties,” that should be a gift enough for you. You may not see it that way, if you value tangible gifts differently, but perhaps she felt that that was enough. And if she reached out to you about your Registry, it sounds like she might just be a little flaky and didn’t realize you would be so hurt by not coming with a gift. I think it’s a little dangerous and unfair to calculate how much money someone has in their bank account, versus how much they’re willing to spend on you. The bridesmaid may be more comfortable financially, but she and her husband may have more bills, or just different goals than you. I understand being hurt because you spent so many hours to make her gift, but if her behavior and attitude during and prior to the wedding was normal, I would not make a big deal over it. Just move on and understand that she is different. It sounds like you value giving and getting gifts - think about someone in your life who is the same and you and make a connection that way with that person.
The bridesmaid thing rubbed me the wrong way a little bit. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, so please don’t read it that way. But since when do we give a gift to get a gift? Did you only invite her into your wedding party, and to your wedding to get a gift? Bridesmaids do so much for you already, that I absolutely did not expect mine to give me gifts. That is very kind of you to put so much work into something for her, but the way it sounds (and I could totally be hearing this wrong) you only did it to receive a gift in the future from her?
This reminds me of the holidays, you don’t give gifts to receive. You give gifts to show your love for a person. She might have thought that doing bridesmaid duties was enough. I certainly have, especially if I am helping plan and gift at showers, plan and gift at bachelorette parties etc.
Buying a dumb dress is gift enough, plus all of the other random costs you incur as a bridesmaid. Those gals are totally not required to give a gift.
I had my bridesmaids choose their own cocktail dresses within a color range and I actually bought the dress that she wore! Forgot to mention that in the initial email. I agree it is very expensive to be a bridesmaid - I’ve been one for 8 weddings!
Which is why I didn’t want them to have to buy a dumb one, like I’ve had to countless times. hahah
One thing occurred to me about the bridesmaid thing: maybe she is feeling pressure to come up with a spectacular gift which will somehow match the amazing hand-crafted-possibly-worth-thousands-of-dollars gift that you gave to her. Maybe she is wracking her brain trying to figure out how she can come up with anything comparable and is suffering from a sort of “present-block.”
Also, even if you think the one year rule of present-giving is bogus, many traditional wedding etiquette books will back up this rule. Your bridesmaid may be counting on having the year to come up with a great present.
And I agree with the other commenters: giving a wedding present is optional. It is not a ticket price that you pay for attending a wedding. If you truly value your friendship with your bridesmaid, you shouldn’t let material things get in the way.
I was the writer-inner with the bridesmaid gift scenario. I know I was comparing a lot of tit for tats and realize it came across the wrong way on the podcast. It was more to describe the full scenario (including mentioning that they are very financially comfortable so that would be a non-issue in terms of advice giving from Elizabeth and Andy). I want to make it clear, I did not make the gift in order to receive a gift. The reason I wrote in was because I was starting to feel regretful about how much out of my way I went for making her gift and I didn’t want the feelings to fester or to get resentful because she is such a good friend and I don’t want it to affect our friendship in the long run. I have always looked at her as a great friend and someone I would want to be a bridesmaid so it wasn’t about getting a gift. We have been best of friends for almost 10 years. My other bridesmaids have been best of friends for over 20 years.
What made it apparent for me was just how far my other bridesmaids went out of their way for me - and these are women with 1-2 babies/kids, women who also got married this summer, have a lot on their plate, etc. It made the issue even more stark for me after seeing their kind gestures. I don’t know why she couldn’t have written a nice card or something. It didn’t have to be a gift or money or anything but a nice card. It bothered me how much it bothered me, if that makes any sense!
I wanted a second opinion on whether I should mention any of this to her or if I should suck it up and let it go. Based on everyone’s advice I think I need to let it go!
I’m in the minority, the bride should say something to the bridesmaid that didn’t give a gift. While giving a gift is optional, I’d feel pretty scummy to not give someone a gift or a card. You can’t show up empty handed. Was she raised in a barn…
I really appreciate your comment - it makes me feel less crazy or out of line. I had other friends fly across the country for the wedding - I did NOT expect a gift from them in the least. I just wanted them there with me and I know how much traveling costs. A few of those friends only gave me cards. It was a very nice gesture and all I have is appreciation and love for them, for attending the wedding.
I agree, I wouldn’t be able to let it go either, it would bug me way too much!! While not a requirement, it’s just common courtesy, especially when you are such close friends. You’re not crazy
Been thinking about the question regarding having loved and moved on. After a six year relationship in my early 20’s, now very happily married, I still think about my ex with care and fondness. Sometimes I even miss him. When I do I often recall a line in the book Shanataram that goes something like, once you’ve loved someone truly and completed it is a part of God/the infinite (whatever you want to call it) and it will never die. I believe love is timeless, not jealous or malicious and you one can hold love in there heart for a lifetime, although it changes form, and move on to fall deeply in love again.
Elizabeth,
You are always mentioning great-sounding documentaries you find on Netflix, and I can never find shit when I’m looking. Can you post an updated documentary list? If you have the time or get bored enough to do so when you’re breastfeeding 24/7 in the coming weeks/months? I see you posted a list three years ago, would love to see an update! THANK YOU!
The thing about the Gift issue, is the LW was freaking out about the gift RIGHT after the wedding. Like a week after! Cool your jets. She’s probably getting you a gift. And if she doesn’t, then oh well. Gifts are not mandatory. This is one of those things you’re going to need to let go of.
To the LW with the “Best Friend” Issue- This girl isn’t your best friend. Friends dont’ treat eachother like shit. Especially not best friends. And this girl is treating you like shit. She doesn’t respect you. If she did, she wouldn’t abuse your kindness and generosity. You need to bounce ASAP.