Off Our Game!
09.29.14 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 169
Elizabeth and Andy fumble through a check in and discussion before doling out some highly unqualified advice to listener questions about man etiquette when cohabitating with a woman, how to handle your spouse needing a job that would require commuting, how to move on past a difficult divorce and find your spark again, whether or not to maintain a relationship with neices and nephews whose mother and father are no longer in your life, and lastly, what to do about a “friendship” that teeters on the edge of being something more? Enjoy!
33 Comments!
To the dude with the n00b questions re. living with a woman:
1. Agree with Andy & Elizabeth. Make the bed. It takes two minutes. You’ve probably already spent more time fighting about it.
2. You put down the toilet seat because you CLOSE THE FUCKING LID. Jesus. Why do d00ds have such a hard time with this? And, you know what, this goes for women too. When anyone is done using the toilet, they should close the lid. Flushing the toilet sends a spray of fine mist into the air. The lid helps keep that in the fucking toilet. It seems like this is a goddamn no brainer.
Hoo. I got really worked up about this. I need to calm down before responding at 4AM.
For real though, I don’t get why this is a debate.
Yes. Dudes. You put it down when you’re done.
The only exception is when a public restroom looks like you’re going to catch something if you have to touch anything.
No I agree - he sounded like a complete turd with the whole “she’s got gravity on her side”. Consider this a dude none of us would want to live with…ever
For the woman with the potential-girlfriend that keeps flaking out:
It sounds like your would-be honey really does have some issues with intimacy. Also sounds like she has a ton on her plate right now, and a lot of soul-searching to do. Really doesn’t sound like she’s ready to be in a relationship.
You do you. Take care of yourself. If being just friends with her is stressing you out, then put her on the back burner for a little while. See how she’s fairing in like a year. But don’t get your hopes up.
I haven’t listened yet, but I’m loving the picture of you two playing Edward 40-hands!
Just came over to weigh in on the toilet seat issue, apart from it being HORRID to land on the cold yucky rim by accident, I actually wanted to say what DT said perfectly above. The answer is that you both need to remember to close the LID after using the toilet, otherwise you’re spraying faecal matter all over the toilets. Scientists did a study in hospitals and found that instances of contagious gastric disorders were being prolonged because the spray can travel further than you’d care to think about! Anyway, this is a good compromise because it means you both have to form a new habit, rather than one person lording it over the other.
Re the bed, it’s just a really nice and totally free luxury to get into a made bed. Also you can’t imagine how wonderful I felt when I found out totally by accident that my husband only ever makes the bed because he knows how much I love to get into a nicely made bed at night. So major brownie points are on offer potentially. Personally I usually do it at least a couple of hours in the day though because I like the sheets to air out before covering it all up again.
First and foremost wanna say that I love the podcast! I just have one small critique…
It kind of bums me out when Elizabeth talks about anti depressants, because I’ve heard her say multiple times that they should only be a temporary thing to help you during a particularly rough time. I’m 24 years old, been on and off antidepressants (mostly on) since I was 17. I’ve tried to go off them in the past, mostly out of shame or whatever about having to be on this medicine, but every time I’ve gone off them I’ve needed to go back on within a few months. Some people just have a chemical imbalance that will maybe need lifetime medication (like many other diseases which require lifelong treatment). I wish this was addressed more, as the stigma around these types of meds is still quite prevalent and really sucks.
I suspect that Elizabeth talks about antidepressants that way because there are a lot of people that give you grief just for mentioning them. She sounds kind of timid when she does it so I suspect that she’s trying to stave off the torrent of harsh anti-drug comments rather than trying to stigmatize the long term use of antidepressants. You are right, of course, there are definitely circumstances where the long-term use of medications can change a person’s life.
I agree with Paul C, here. That’s the way I’ve always heard it coming from Elizabeth. She always sounds like she’s getting ready to head into the anti-medication battle and she’s putting on her armor against the backlash.
Not to mention the fact that Elizabeth can, really, only speak to her own experience on this issue. Which is that she has needed meds for short periods of time throughout her life.
You are right, though, and I really doubt that Elizabeth would disagree with you that some people need a lifetime of chemical help.
To the writer-inner wondering about how to continue relationship(if at all) with his nieces and nephews:
The majority of my childhood, my two aunts and uncle lived three states away yet doted on my brother, sister and I. They never failed to send gifts at Christmas and never forgot a birthday even if it was just a card. Although we were never really “close” I always felt loved and acknowledged by them. After my parents separated however, all communication dropped. It was a messy divorce, so it was probably awkward to navigate but it was surely a time when I could have used some reassurance and support. Even though I have a relationship with both my parents still, I have not heard a word from either of my aunts since 1997. I guess I was old enough that I could have reached out to them - but mostly I felt like we were abandoned and I didn’t know how they felt about me at all. It still stings. I kind of want to ask “What the fuck? We were just kids, man!”
Anyway, so there is that. I think a card here and there might go a long way in just letting them know you still care about them. Even if kids don’t always know how to respond or reciprocate, they remember when someone cares.
Good luck.
I completely agree. And, to the writer-inner, if you continue to give gifts, that’s a thing that will stick in the head of a young child. This is a great way to demonstrate that you’re a caring, trusted and consistent adult if the shit hits the fan for these kids down the road.
Elizabeth-Give yourself (and Andy) a break! My two kids are five and three, and it for sure took longer than six months to really get it together. I know for my husband and I, we still hadn’t slept through the night at six months, which made the day-to-day stuff that much more difficult. You’re doing a great job, and one day you will have it all together!
Maybe you guys should just skip the intro for a few weeks unless you have a really good story to share.
No way! they are so real and they cant be ON every single time. it makes them so much more personable and lets us know that they are just people too
no way their talking is my favorite part of all the shows, the questions are my least
I love the intros, even when Andy and Elizabeth are “off their game”.
Maybe you should just fast forward to the Q&A segment.
I say this with love, but I think Elizabeth and Andy’s ruminations on lesbian/gay guy sex is going to be linked in a definition of “heteronormativity.” But then, whada I know, I’m straight too…
I love your meandering intros, they are what make you guys YOU. From an artistic standpoint, they are a window into thought-process. Even if you do seem a little out-of-it, they make this listener feel better, not being the only one! If people have a problem with it and want you to jump right into questions; there are a thousand other write-in advice shows they can listen to instead or they can fast-forward. PLEASE don’t cut them out!
And while your ideas about what constitutes virginity are hetero-normative, I thought it was really nice that you both thought pleasure and not penetration was important (now anyway). Defining the “V” word is a huge problem in our culture. I encourage you and others to Google “the problem with virginity.”
Keep up the good work
Bi woman here! Identified as bi since I was 13, so I guess I always defined sex as just any genital contact with a part of the partner’s body (oral, hand, or intercourse…or scissoring I suppose, but I don’t know any actual lesbians who do that), regardless of whether it was with males or females.
So I always thought of fingering and hand jobs as sex, and certainly oral as sex too. Why not? It’s still genital stimulation, just with another body part, not a penis. The idea that non P-in-V sex “doesn’t count” or is less real has always been weird to me. And why would a girl going down on me count as sex, but a guy doing the same doesn’t count because there are more “legit” sex acts he could be doing with me? That thinking seems to privilege hetero sex above lesbian sex, and always struck me as wrong.
As for virginity, well…bi people kind of get to have two virginities! We’re special.
So I lost mine at 18 to a girl, and counted myself as a non-virgin thereafter, even though I didn’t have sex with a guy until a year later.
Oh, and defining sex between men as just penetration is also limiting…I have a gay friend who HATES anal sex, and he certainly wouldn’t call himself a virgin based on never having done it. There are many types of sex. All are legitimate.
The numbers fluctuate a bit depending on the source but generally 1/3 of gay males DO NOT engage in anal sex. For most gay men mutual masturbation and oral are the sex acts of choice. Clearly, 1/3 of gay males would not consider themselves “virgins” because anal wasn’t on the table.
I suppose it’s generally accepted that penetration is the required act in order to lose ones virginity in the hetero world but what I have learned is that as we become more open to all the different orientations out there we have to understand that each individual may have a different threshold for defining what “virginity” means to them.
Re: the virginity question: I identify as straight, but I think it’s really up to the individual - gay or straight - to define what constitutes a loss of virginity. It isn’t something set in stone. One person might feel that she lost her virginity with fingering, another might think it’s oral, another might feel that it’s when she first orgasmed with her partner. Even if you’re straight, some swear that only P-in-V sex = virginity loss, but others think anal sex = virginity loss as well. There’s no need to define it for everyone.
For the writer-inner, I think the real issue isn’t whether she is a technical “virgin,” but that she had never been intimate with a girl at all. I think it would be a totally different situation if she had fingered a girl but not had oral or something, which seems like less of a big deal.
Finally, for the woman who felt that her husband needed to get a better-paying job in the city 2 hours away, her biggest concern about moving to a new city was that they just bought a home in their current city. One option if she feels it’s too much of a hassle to sell is to see if they can find a renter for their current home and then rent in the new city. Otherwise, I think she needs to crunch the numbers a little harder. I get that it’s stressful to sell after only having bought last year, but you really need to figure out if your husband’s new earnings are enough to cover the transaction costs of selling and buying a new place. If not, stay put with the lower-paying job. She also didn’t mention whether it was an option for her to get a job if she doesn’t have one already - crunch the numbers there to see if child care costs more or less than she could make working.
I love when Elizabeth and Andy talk about sex.
You guys are so worldly-wise in some areas and so delightfully innocent in others! I enjoyed going on that journey with you from your hetero-normative perspective to trying to see the world through other people’s eyes.
In fact, you’ve done this a few times on the podcast - approached a topic from your own perspective but then gamed out how that subject looks through another group’s eyes. It demonstrates how open minded and willing to learn you two are.
Keep being awesome!
Neither my wife nor I are “making the bed” people. We’ll generally smooth out the covers before getting into bed at night, just so we don’t have to untangle the wad of blankets once we’re laying down. In fact, before we lived together, after doing laundry, it would often take my wife several days to put the sheets back on the bed, instead sleeping on the bare mattress for 3-4 nights.
I am partially to Jim Gaffigan’s take on the subject: “I don’t make the bed in the morning for the same reason I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off.”
I’m fact, I think the guy SHOULD make the bed sometimes. Why? He will find that if he accepts “because it makes my partner happy” as a good reason for doing something, his life will improve greatly.
PSA: Everyone should close the lid of the toilet before flushing. Keeps all the particles in the toilet. It also helps keep stuff from accidentally falling inside.
Also, I find it weird that some people don’t notice the toilet seat is up before attempting to sit down. You should always look first before sitting, there could be a snake in there.
Andy - I wouldn’t worry TOO much about saying “um”, “uh”, etc a lot. While it’s something one could always work on cutting down when you’re in a public speaking-based profession/hobby, our brain tends to filter out those filler words and not even notice them. I personally didn’t notice either of you said filler words much at all until they started talking about it. Even then, I only noticed it because I was really paying attention to it after you spoke about it.
I really really don’t understand the Kanye attack here. He is arguably the most influential artist of the last decade.
Kanye isn’t in-and-out of rehab or jail. He doesn’t carry a gun or associate with gang members. His songs don’t promote crime or violence. He’s not flashing his balls as he climbs in and out of his sports car for free press… he’s not even a man whore. He’s had like 2 girlfriends in 12 years, one of which became his wife and the other, he loved so much, that when she left him he wrote an entire album dealing with his broken heart.
The lyric “I want to fuck you hard over the sink” might not be the most romantic sounding thing anyone has ever heard, but it’s pretty sweet when you consider, in context, he’s singing about how he wants to make love to his wife, whom he’s very open about loving, as opposed to all of the other rappers who talk about they want to fuck everyone elses wive because all women are whores who don’t deserve respect. Writing a song about how much you love your wife isn’t something that should get you persecuted in the media.
He writes about working hard and following your dreams. He sings about love for his family, falling in love, and starting a family of his own.
He doesn’t sport colors or sag his pants so his underwear shows… he wears high fashion, and tries to look good. He’s confident in his ability as a musician and artist and he’s open to the world about his innermost thoughts. You can’t ever say Kanye isn’t ‘real’.
…and yet, the world hates him. Rothesburger raped a woman in the bathroom and people everywhere root for him to win the Superbowl. Kanye says “be yourself, follow your dreams”, and people want him and his family burned alive.
Pretty sad.
It’s because Kanye is a douchebag.
You know nothing about Kanye and thus you make no educated judgements. Did you read anything I just wrote?! NO.
Typical.
You obviously only pay attention to what you hear on the news.. sad really..
I spent a lot of time on that Kanye comment. Why the censorship
Hey Pusha. Sorry about that - I actually thought it was spam because I actually didn’t recall any kanye hate, although now it’s coming back to me - but certainly not to the extent that you mention. I definitely don’t want him to be burned alive! I wish him no harm. I just think he’s insane and out there… Not necessarily a bad thing really. But definitely open to criticism like that, no?
You’d be surprised at the thorough pop culture-y spam comments we get, so that’s why I spammed it. I undid the spam filter, sorry bout that
No problem love the show keep up the good work.
Who knows,
Maybe Andy is the next Kanye level producer