I’m going through the same dilemma with my friends and the whole “growing-up” issue. I recently went through some medical issues and couldn’t/had no desire to drink and I was constantly exhausted which kept me home pretty much all the time. During that time I would reach out to friends to keep in touch and would get minimal or no reply if I wasn’t asking them to meet me for a drink. I even got the response “LAAAAAAAAAAAME” after responding that I wasn’t feeling well and I would be staying in for the night. It was easy to tell who really cherished my friendship, party girl or not, and made it easy to let go of the people who clearly didn’t give a shit. Unfortunately it’s just a part of life that happens to some sooner than others. Be proud of the person you’re becoming, it’s much more respectable than being that girl drunk dialing your ex or walking out of the bar/club carrying your heels.

“Keep your heels, head and standards high”

For the writer-inner with the bad friend issue: As it sounds like you have no real desire to continue any meaningful sort of friendship with this person, but do care about her in general, I would suggest that you have an honest discussion with her about what she is doing wrong in the friendship department. The way I see it, you have nothing to lose and may be doing her a big favor. I have experienced this from both sides- I was taken aside by a really good friend in high school when I was sort of going off the friendship rails- she pointed out all of the ways I was being a bad friend, and while it was really painful at the time I think it has made me a much better friend in the long run (we are still close almost 20 years later). In turn I had a tough discussion with a great friend when she began to feed off negativity- this discussion made our friendship a little rocky for a few months, but over the course of a year or so she totally changed her outlook (I don’t think this was all my doing, but I do think our talk helped) and we are still great friends too. You said that she has no other friends (from what you describe it’s not hard to see why) - maybe if you tell her what is bothering you about her friendship style she will be able to use that to make better friends in the future.

So I am going to comment on the being angry for so long topic. I was an asshole for a good part of six years to EVERYONE. And when they would he call me on it I would say that my work made me this way and I spend more time at work. I hated my job and even the people at work were all assholes and miserable so I was just surrounded by so many assholes all the time and miserable people that it definitely didn’t help when I tried to say okay let me better myself. It got to the point where nobody would call me nobody would want to hang out because it was just so angry all the time. Also I had a poor quality of life because I was working six days a week 12 hour days. I even can relate because when other people would walk around nobody wanted to talk to anybody because it was a fear of lashing out or being lashed out at. Maybe I’m totally off and talking out of my butt. Now fast forward six years later I got the courage to say you know what this place is toxic I have to change for ME to better myself. So while still being in the same field I got a new job less stress I’m happier I can sleep at night and I totally have a different life.When I meet new people I can still see sometimes I’m abrasive and I catch myself and I have to tone it down. So no therapy with the way I am still slowly changing myself is I got out of that environment and it was more of an internal thing where I said I want to better myself. Hope this helps. Laimewad for life

I went through a period of near constant anger/grouchiness in my early 20s. What it came down to was that I was in a relationship that was not right and it was making me really unhappy. I was a b—h at work, I was crabby with everyone, and I would avoid/get annoyed at simple things like the checkout person at the grocery store or basically anyone out in public who I had to interact with.

I remember after I finally broke up with the boyfriend, being at the gym working out and actually looking around at other people, making eye contact, nodding hello, etc. (and not because I was trying to find a gym hookup, although there’d have been nothing wrong with that!) It was an eye-opening experience, realizing that whoa, this is how happy people act. They’re nice and friendly and not awful. Makes sense!

A few months later, I met my now-husband and one day my downstairs neighbor (who I had probably not spoken to the entire time I lived in the apartment complex) stopped my husband on his way up to my place and said, “I don’t know what you did, but Sarah is so much happier and nicer now, so thank you.” Apparently everyone else (even people I didn’t know) could feel my unhappy energy before.

Now there are times when I find myself dropping into that same anti-social behavior (avoiding eye contact in public, etc.) and it’s a very clear indicator for me that I may be headed towards an unhappiness spiral. Sometimes I just keep aware of it and wait it out or sometimes I make a conscious effort to address the underlying problem and fix it. Either way, I am glad I have this kind of happiness trigger to know when deep down, things are not okay with me.

Enough about me! To the writer-inner: I hope you find your underlying issue (or whatever it is) soon. I think good things are on the horizon for you, mostly because you are very self-aware and want to change your behavior/attitude. Good luck and keep us posted.

Regarding the first writer about her mom’s friend’s daughter, she’s seems like she’s been socially awkward and somewhat self centered since she was a child. I wonder if she doesn’t recognize how she is viewed by others and simply misses picking up on the acceptable social cues. I’ve known a few people in my life who are similar and get frustrated and depressed when they are aware they’re being faded out of someone’s life and can’t understand the reason why. No one really tells them the reason and when they finally find out through another source they get even more upset they weren’t given a chance to fix it.

What is a good way to help someone who isn’t intentionally being toxic without becoming the complete support system to help ?

Sometimes I feel irrationally angry like the LW, and even though my rational mind knows I’m being angry for no reason, I can’t change course. The only thing that helps my random bouts of angriness and isolation from others is running. Not even other kinds of exercise. Personally, I dislike working out and would skip it, but running is a wonder drug that completely evaporates my random, “I hate everyone” feelings.

A bit cliché, but for good reason. Try running.

Happy thanksgiving laime family! I just listened to this episode. You guys made me laugh throughout my turkey day run. Just quickly I wanted to point out some Tinder inaccuracies. Andy, tinder is for all (straight, gay, bi, etc). Also, it is not purely a hookup app like grinder is. I used to use it and went out on some very PG to PG-13 dates with nice normal people. And for the woman seeking a woman in a small town, I have a friend who met her last two girlfriends on tinder. I’m not purely advocating that as an option but since it tends to come up from time to time I thought I’d clarify a bit for you married types ;).