Time Is Precious!
03.23.15 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 194
Elizabeth and Andy discuss being in the throes of time management and the balancing act of life before discussing listener comments on last weeks episode - namely that there is hopefully going to be a Laimewad music share! YES! Then they give their unqualified advice to listener questions about how to react when running into someone who broke your heart in the past, what to do about a new friendship that needs some boundaries in place, how to choose between two potentially serious boyfriends who both have a lot to offer, and lastly how to cope with feeling unhappy in life and particularly in sex life. Enjoy!
32 Comments!
Hey guys, I was the writter-inner with the friend who had a difficult time deciding between two potential partners.
Elizabeth had replied to my email saying what she had said on the podcast, about how if neither stick out then maybe neither are the best option. I passed this along to my friend and she took that into consideration and after thinking more about the situation, she came to the conclusion that she probably just wanted a new relationship more than she wanted to be with either of these two guys explicitly. She decided to put the brakes on both of the casual relationships for a while and put some distance between herself and both of them, which the guys were both sad about but understood.
She’s back to just taking some time for herself, which seems to have been a good choice because other aspects of her life have picked up, keeping her busy but happy. I let her know about this episode and she took a listen and said she really appreciates the advice. She said that with hindsight on the situation, she thinks Elizabeth hit the nail on the head for her situation, that neither were the right fit for her at the time.
She also said she would still be interested in hearing anyone else’s input or advice, if they have it.
I actually had a very similar situation to this at one time. I genuinely liked two guys and both were good in different ways. I was finally forced to chose when I needed a plus one for a friend’s wedding and I had to pick the one that would be the most fun to be with in that isolated scenario-very similar to what Elizabeth said about picking the one that you can laugh with the most etc.
Long story short…I’ve been married three years now to the guy I chose to take to the wedding
No regrets!
I have high anxiety thinking of the possibility of running into an ex. I have one fantasy that makes me laugh every time I think about it. If he approached me in public I would say to him “you have a booger” and walk away. Or another one I like is talk kindly but stare at his receding hair line the whole time.
That is so great (the booger fantasy). Perfectly odd.
Yeah I have legit nightmares about running into exes! Eek!
Hi guys! In reference to men that describe ex girlfriends as “crazy” Here is one of my favorite articles on just that. It’s short but really drives home what men are saying when they say crazy, and why you should be weary of them.
http://thelovewhisperer.me/post/23488468224/lady-you-really-arent-crazy
Nailed it!
No, no, you want a tape measure not a ruler! It’s all about the girth (ugh, I hate that word)!
I don’t quite understand why Elizabeth and her friend are saying that any new friends that come in to their life must have children. Maybe I don’t understand because I don’t have children but that seems a little unfair to yourself and any potential new friends that may cross your path.
Agreed! I was confused by this comment as well. I have a child and I wouldn’t ever turn away a new friend just because they don’t have kids. As long as that friend understood that my kid comes first and I won’t be free to do everything all the time, that’s all that would seem to matter. To each their own, I guess!
In the first year of my daughter’s life it did feel like it was practically impossible to make a new friend if they too were not parents and living the understanding of meltdowns in public, diaper changes at the park, 8pm self appointed “curfews”, etc. Just now as my daughter is 3 do I feel like I’m ready for new friends who aren’t parents because I finally have a little more of myself to give again to new friendships.
I had the same thought, a little bit of an “ouch!” when I heard Elizabeth say that. I’m married, and we aren’t having children, but I love children, especially babies. I’m happy to hold babies, talk about babies, and to work with baby schedules. This has helped me hang on to some of my existing friends when they have babies. I understand what Elizabeth said from that perspective. However, I’ve noticed that when I meet new people, at times, they literally float away from a conversation the minute they hear I don’t have kids. I think they (unfairly) assume I don’t like kids or don’t know anything about life with kids. It’s pretty sucky for those of us who don’t have kids but want to be part of society.
the way I took it was that Elizabeth (or other new moms) feel pretty spread thin adjusting to their new life, and might not feel like they have the time/energy to grow and nourish a new friendship, especially when they can’t multi-task a friend/play date, for example. I’m not a mom, but there are times in my life that I just can’t devote the time to going out with new people. It’s kind of harsh, but sometimes I just need to focus on me or my job or family.
Speaking only for myself, Becca, I understand entirely what Elizabeth was saying, but it was sort of off putting to hear that someone sees you as other and would exclude you, given the chance.
People like to take digs at me for choosing to not have kids, usually when I’m unprepared. So I’m sitting there, thinking that I’m having a good time, and then with one comment I find out that I’m actually being judged.
Which wasn’t the case with Elizabeth’s comment as it’s not a conversation, I’m just listening, but it still taps into the same feelings.
It’s a new mom thing. I remember feeling that way the first few years of my little ones life. But now that he is older I enjoy any friend, kids or not. They have to kinda like kids because my life is more about my son than myself but if they are willing to listen to stories about soccer games and dr appointments I will be willing to hear about their none kid life too. (which often sounds like heaven especially after a tantrum) It’s nothing against women or men who do not want kids. It’s just a lot of the time if they do not have kids they don’t understand and often do not care about kids. Just from my experience.
I’m so glad to see that I wasn’t the only one who took exception to the comment about only making time for friends with kids. As someone who is coming up to 3 years struggling with undiagnosed infertility, it’s hard to hear these kind of comments. I live in a small to medium sized city and find the pool of women my age without kids to be very small. The majority of my friends have had kids and I am happy for them. My situation has been isolating at times, so I am so grateful for my friends with kids still value my friendship and make time for me. I don’t see them as often, and that’s fine - the focus of their lives has changed. I find that people make assumptions about women in their late 30’s who don’t have children. I understand the perspective that you don’t understand until you’ve had children, but I would say that you also don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to until you’re in that situation as well.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your infertility struggles, That’s awful and I understand how frustrating it is as it took us 2 years to conceive. Just want to clarify that I do make time for my friends from pre-baby whether they have kids or not. The comment was regarding making new friends without kids. In fact making new friends at all right now is an overwhelming thought. Just wanted to point out the difference, I’m not the mom who dropped all of my friends after having a baby, I value all of my close friendships immensely!
I have had a few experiences with girls who pursue friendship with me hardcore. And I’m such a pushover and don’t like to hurt feelings that it usually develops into a close relationship even if I don’t want it. Maybe people like me are why some people don’t let up… They think, eventually if I don’t give up we’ll be besties!
On a related note, I just moved to Los Angeles and don’t know many people yet. If anyone out there would like to hang out, grab a drink, go to a class, anything… let me know. You can DM me on Instagram @godbless.amerika. Promise I’m not clingy!
I’ll send you a message!
Can we get an “Andy Says Grab A Ruler” shirt now? XD
I thought that immediately when he said it. I’m thinking maybe it just says “Grab a ruler!” and possibly has two male silhouettes or generic-looking guys (maybe just facial outlines?) behind, under, or above the text, and they have the names “Billy” and “John” or whatever assumed names they were given on the pod.
Is it just me or was there no outro music on this episode?!?! I feel like the ep isn’t finished!!!
Also, did you remember to tell Andy that thing you were going to tell him when you finished recording?
Great episode this week - as always!
I know! My day wasn’t complete without following along with explosion sound effects and hand motion. So sad.
Instead of skirting around the issue with the friend who wants to hang out all the time, why not just tell her that you’re an introvert who appreciates a lot of time to yourself so you can’t hang out very often? Saying you’re really busy is just going to make her ask when you’re free or result in her being hurt if you don’t fit her into the moments you do have free. Tell her it has nothing to do with her and when you’re saying it, make a specific suggestion for a hang out in the near future, so she knows you do want to spend time with her. I recently had a friend tell me that the all day hangouts I was suggesting were too much for her introversion, and now I’ve recalibrated the hangout suggestions I make.
As for the woman who was dating the two guys, I’m glad to hear that she’s doing well (based on the writer inner’s comment) but I think you the idea that having two equally good guys means that neither is the right one isn’t a good interpretation and it’s based in this idea we have in our culture that when you meet the right person, you just know (not to mention the idea that there is one right person, which I was glad to hear neither of you believe). If you truly believe that there are multiple people out there with whom you could be happy (which is a huge relief, since otherwise what’s the chances you’ll meet that one right person?), it’s pretty likely that you could meet multiple of them at the same time, especially if you happen to be a person who gets along well with multiple different kinds of people. I’m happily married and my husband and I both understand that there are other people with whom we could have been happy as well. That’s actually a big relief because I know that if something happens to one of us, the other isn’t destined to be alone, and also that knowledge means that if things go REALLY wrong, we won’t stay together just out of pure desperation. Instead, we stay together because we make each other happy.
It’s been a long time since I’ve commented here! But I’m still a devoted listener.
Hey Elizabeth and Andy!
Long time listener, first time comment-section-er!
I just wanted to mention in regards to the mixtape idea and discussion: I checked the comments of the previous episode where the idea first came up to double-check, but it looks like no one has mentioned the site 8tracks.
It’s pretty wonderful - anyone can sign up for free and create mixtapes either publicly or privately. You can send them to friends, upload pictures for art, and more.
I swear I don’t work for them (I wish!), I just find it’s a fun way to make playlists and share them with people who may not subscribe to Spotify or Rdio. Your writer-inner could probably set that blog idea you had up with 8tracks embeds.
An example: I made this mix for my Girlfriend when we first met! http://8tracks.com/yckmd_/emmix
Keep up the amazing work, I am a long-time listener of Totally Laime (I cheered when you won the Earwolf Challenge, and was a fan ever since!) and I decided to jump on Married/Hot Sauce when you guys stopped doing Laime.
Anyway, keep ’em coming! You make my walks to work better, every week!
Hi Elizabeth and Andy,
I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your podcast - I found you on a blog’s top 10 podcasts list and I am so happy I found you guys. You guys make me crack up so much and I relate to your sense of humor and agree with you both on the advice that you offer your listeners.
I think that some of the commenters have misunderstood your comment about having friends with babies but whatever. Those of us with little ones know what you meant and totally agree!
Since I am new to this podcast, I am not aware of how you two met…can you direct me to an episode where this story is told? I would love to hear it! Always interesting how couples meet. I also relate to you as I lost my mother to cancer 12 years ago - I kinda lost my mind for a few years after and then miraculously met my husband and my whole life changed.
Anyway, keep up the great podcasting and know that you have fans in Vancouver, Canada.
The best place to hear about Andy and Elizabeth’s (re-)meet-cute story is actually on the JV Club podcast: http://nerdist.com/the-jv-club-27-elizabeth-laime/
Get some hankies out because it’s a pretty heavy ep that details a lot of Elizabeth’s tragic past, along with some bonus harrowing stories from Janet Varney. It’s a very raw and emotional discussion and it really moved me, so I appreciate the ladies’ honesty and candor.
And the podcast ends on an uplifting note with the aforementioned Andy/Elizabeth get together story. So you could just skip to the last 15 minutes, but it really is an amazing episode.
Hey Stella,
I will awkwardly admit that I am also a listener in Vancouver. I won’t propose a meet-up as I don’t have kids …:-/
Go Canucks?
Hey Elizabeth and Andy,
This is irrelevant to the episode because I’m not up to date on Totally Married (relatively new listener). BUT I just wanted to say that, Andy - your laugh is fantastic. My boyfriend, and others, make fun of my “cackle” constantly, but I hope, besides being a little obnoxious, it makes people smile like Andy cracking up does for me. And Elizabeth - all the listener questions that I’ve heard make you cry make me cry too. You seem incredibly kind and in touch with other people. Love the podcast - wish I could do the same!
Hey guys, I’m somewhat new to your podcasts and I totally love you guys. I have a question that you may or may not be able to give some advice on. I was wondering how you went about finding or picking a therapist? I am one of those people who’s doctor just went and put on prescription antidepressants and did not suggest that I get any sort of therapy at all. I have long since taken myself off of them because I didn’t feel they were doing anything. But I do feel that I need to get myself some sort of therapy for depression and or anxiety of some sort. I do not know where to start especially because my doctor never seems to be concerned about any of my issues. I had to search out a neurologist on my own for my migraines because my doctor did not think they were a big deal. I am in the process of finding a new doctor and I hope that they can help me. But I am obviously not too hopeful as this doctor has not been very helpful.
Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Keep up the amazing podcasts coming!
Hi KT! So glad that you are thinking of going to therapy - I am always dismayed to hear that doctors are prescribing drugs and not suggesting therapy in tandem. I think therapy is so important. My suggestion would be to start on yelp or by googling therapists in your city/neighborhood. Then reach out to a few and see if you can speak with them on the phone. That way you can get a vibe and see if there’s one that you click with. I’d also just reach out to the best therapist you can - in LA for example, there are therapists that are basically celebrities. I reached out to one knowing we couldn’t afford him and he wasn’t taking clients but I asked if he could refer me to someone who was more in our price point. That’s how I found my current therapist that I love. And sometimes it might take having sessions with a few before finding the right fit - be patient, it’s so worth having a great therapist! Good luck!
So passive aggressive