Shout Out To Andy!
03.30.15 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 195
In this, potentially the worst podcast episode ever recorded, Elizabeth and Andy discuss why Andy’s mood improved over the weekend as well as Elizabeth’s dance dreams. Then they give their wildly unqualified advice to listener questions about whether or not a relationship is moving too fast, what to do about an unwanted gift, how to cope with a less than ideal roommate situation, how to de-friend a friend without making it a “thing”, and lastly, what to do about a partner who is suffering from self esteem and weight issues? Enjoy!
72 Comments!
You don’t have to apologize for Andy’s podcast performance. Gather award nominated TBASH has been killin it.
Andy is right, COSTCO does treat it’s employees well! I generally don’t support huge corporations over locally-owned businesses, but they do a ton of good for both employees and the customers!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/19/reasons-love-costco_n_4275774.html
Costco is the best! They treat their employees well, have a killer return policy, and have been bringing on more and more organic and fair trade products. It’s the first place we go grocery shopping because it’s close by and then we supplement with TJ’s and Whole Foods.
Girl with the “moving too fast” question here. I just wanted to clarify a few things. We didn’t date in high school because we both knew it would be incredibly hard to carry that through college, especially going to different schools. We did go to prom together though. Then during our college careers he was dating girls at his school and I was casually dating at mine. He had two committed relationships and I dated around but never found someone I had feelings for. Dating was also hard for me because I’m the type who really commits and I know exactly what I want. Entering into this relationship, even though it’s my first, has been profoundly calm and extraordinary. We’re undoubtably in the honeymoon phase, but I think the fact that we’ve been best friends for so long and just like each other as people without that sexual element is why we are thriving. Sorry to write a novel! Thanks for the feedback!
I am going to agree with Andy about the handicapped roommate potentially being an asshole. My best friend has mild to severe cerebral palsy and I love her to death but she is an asshole and has a really hard time making and keeping friends. BUT, I think it is most likely from a lifetime of hardships and having to rely on others so much.
Also, just so you know, most handicapped people would not want you to pity them or feel like they are doing this amazing thing that is just normal and expected of us able-bodied people.
Loved this episode otherwise! Y’all are the cutest married couple ever!
Great episode. Those emails were something else. My wife has the same exact body issues and it breaks my heart how little I can do to help (or at least that’s my perception).
I am the writer-inner with the bad roommate situation. I am following up because I think Elizabeth totally misunderstood the feeling behind the email, as I stated in there we were trying extremely hard the entire first semester to be compassionate. That is the main reason we tried not to make any issue of the floor or cleaning, we did it because we felt bad for her situation and were trying to just deal and take the extra pressure.
We DID have to communicate with her about roommate issues, especially with the food. She kept taking our food (from the day everyone moved in we made it clear we did not want to share food and had agreed to label everything), what made it worse was that she would give our stuff to her visitors. After it happened multiple times we had to have a conversation with her and told her that it was not okay to take our food or just give it to people. C and I made every effort to be accommodating for months but all we got were rude remarks. She blatantly ignored us when we would try and ask if she could just do things like, put her trash in the trash can instead of leaving it on the counter. She would usually give a kurt ‘fine’ then the next day we would come home to banana peels and empty yogurts all over the counter still. Every time we tried to talk to her she would make us feel like we were jerks for daring to talk to her about anything. She made being in the common area of our apartment a hostile environment for months, but in the spirit of being ‘compassionate’ we sucked it up. Neither C nor I believe that being in a wheel chair is an excuse to be a jerk to your roommates.
The exact message I sent that caused the blow up was, “Hey, so the floors have been getting really bad lately. C and I were just wondering if you could have one of your helpers clean them? We would really appreciate it!” THAT is the message that caused her to yell and cry and accuse of of being inconsiderate bitches. C and I had to stand in front of her and take her calling us bitches and cunts for five minutes before I broke and finally told her what we had been holding back for months in the name of being ‘compassionate’. In the months since I wrote that email she has been openly hostile to C, making her cry on multiple occasions, and completely ignored me. Two weeks ago when her mother came over the mother came up to C and I as they were leaving, she said she was very disappointed at her daughters behavior towards us and would talk to her. Despite this, nothing has changed. She is a rude, hostile person who openly admits that she expects everyone to take care of her.
We both feel bad that she is in this situation in her life, but neither of us feel that that is an excuse for her behavior towards us. Maybe my email came off more ‘mean’ than it was meant, I tried to be as fair as I could but I admit my frustration came out. I am extremely disappointed in Elizabeth, I wrote in asking for advice about how to deal and make this situation easier. I wrote openly because I thought this was a safe forum to explain the situation, instead I was openly attacked and accused of lacking compassion.
I felt bad for you when I realized where the conversation was going. At least Andy brought up that the roommate might just be a jerk. Being compassionate doesn’t mean you have to write an emotional blank check to someone because they are disabled. It’s not your responsibility to take care of this person and the fact that you hold them accountable for their actions reflects well on you.
This person steals your food, makes no effort to keep your shared areas clean, doesn’t respect your privacy, has constant company over and called you awful names when you dared to bring up your problems. If they weren’t in a wheelchair then we’d be calling them a trashbag and no one would be telling you to “suck it up” or “be more compassionate”. Sorry you got raked over the coals and I hope your situation gets better.
I was living in a random potluck college roommate situation not that long ago, so I definitely related to the question. I’ve had just about every type of roommate living scenario, from the one I became besties with to the ones who made me feel unwelcome in my own home. While a lot of the behaviors described in the e-mail sounded like run of the mill inconsiderate roommate behaviors (not cleaning up messes, people in and out of the apartment all the time, stealing food, monopolizing common areas, etc), a couple of them immediately sent up red flags for me. I don’t care who you are or what hardships you have had to overcome in life, it is never acceptable to curse someone out for making a request. The roommate’s extreme response to being asked to clean up after herself makes me think that there is way more to this than simply learning to deal with unexpectedly living with someone with a physical disability. Yes, the roommate has overcome some big challenges to get where she is today. That doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to be rude and unaccommodating.
Some of the inconsiderate roommate behaviors can be excused/explained due to her disability. I am assuming that some of the six people with keys were home health care workers. It makes sense that they would have keys, even if that is something that probably should have been discussed with the other roommates. Same goes for the lack of privacy. She obviously needs the help to get through her daily life. It is an inconvenience for the other roommates but I don’t see any other way around it. I can even see the leaving messes everywhere. If she’s always lived at home/alone, she may have always had an aide or parent cleaning up after her and is just not that conscious of the messes she makes. (Granted, that does not excuse how she responded when that was brought up.)
Some of this can be chalked up to general immaturity on everyone’s part. Yay, things should have been addressed when they came up. But that is part of learning how to live with other people. I don’t think anyone is actually a good roommate in college. Maybe, it is just a bad personality match. That happens all the time. Some of this sounds like a situation where two roommates are constantly being asked to compromise for the benefit of the third. Living with someone with disabilities means that there are some things you just have to deal with (like the home health care workers in the home). That doesn’t mean you have to compromise on everything. She needs to take basic responsibility to ensure that the apartment is habitable for all the roommates, not just her.
That all being said, it sounds like you are stuck in this living situation until the semester ends, so you need to figure out how to live with her without losing your sanity. The one thing that got me through my shitty living situations was talking to a counselor. They can help you figure out strategies to deal with the roommate or just be a neutral party you can vent to. Figure out what mental health resources your college has to offer and use everything you can get your hands on. My other suggestion would be to cautiously open up the lines of communication with the roommate. You don’t have to be friends but you do need to be on enough of speaking terms that you can discuss apartment issues with her and the other roommate. Just focus on being polite and to the point with her.
I really feel for you, A. Not feeling comfortable in your own home is a hellish experience. Take care of yourself and remember that this isn’t for forever.
You absolutely should be able to discuss being inconvenienced by a person with a disability and seek assistance for a resolution without shaming. Part of giving people with disabilities respect is treating them as an equal while acknowledging the constraints they face. You really do sound as though you were on the right side of that! Others do have a point that you probably just have to ride it though.
I worked for disabled people as their “helper” while in college. One of the people I worked for had the same disability that your roommate has. In my experience, yes, disabled people can be jerks and my compassion wore thin at times. What kept it in perspective for me, was how awful it must be to have no control over your body and not be able to do many of the things you wish you could. For example. leaving trash around - it seems like nothing to an able bodied person but she is probably in a lot of physical and emotional pain at all times, so it is much more challenging than you may think. Have you ever been depressed and not had the energy to put away your dishes(or some other stupid task)? Imagine that feeling all the time. It’s no excuse, but it may help you regain your compassion when you lose it (which is reasonable). Also, this is one year of your life, disabled or even just a miserable person in general, whatever makes that person unappealing for you -they are stuck like that for the rest of their life. At least you get a good story out of it and can move on. The cross they have to bear is a lot greater.
All that being said, I think there is a lot that your roommate could do to improve her situation and yours based on my experiences.
1 - I can almost guarantee her caregivers have a schedule(if they don’t that could cause her to feel out of control and probably exacerbates her poor attitude). Ask her to give you access to the schedule online/or to print it out and post it somewhere in the apt so you know when people will be in your apt.
2 - You have to do a lot of odd tasks as a caregiver, cleaning the floor would have been a desirable task compared to some of the others, it is very reasonable for her caregivers to clean your apartment.
3 - The food thing - she probably isn’t organized with her caregivers and they aren’t shopping for her regularly or buying what she likes due to poor planning. Also,I can make an assumption she has dietary restrictions which makes what she usually eats pretty boring, so your food may be tempting to both her and her caregivers.
4 - Overall, college is a time to grow and develop healthy habits while on your own. This is hard for anyone - especially a disabled person. They have a lot more to do to keep themselves healthy and happy - special diets, physical therapy, multiple specialist appointments, figuring out how to keep up normal hygiene, care schedules, etc. I have lived with people who are 10x worse than your roommate sound and they had everything in the world going for them…so yes…your disabled roommate gets a bit more slack than they do(not an excuse, just perspective).
The writer-inner gave this person a lot of slack and then requested a minor problem be addressed. For that awful crime she was called a cunt and a bitch. How much slack is this disabled person owed for having a hard life? What does you stating you have had 10x worse roommates add to the conversation other than trying to make the writer-inner feel even worse about an already bad situation? It’s very easy to preach compassion when you are not the person who has to eat shit.
Yeah, I agree with Abby 100% - I think she laid everything out really thoughtfully . I’ve given this a lot of thought especially because I don’t like hearing that the writer inner felt attacked, which means that perhaps my delivery wasn’t great but my advice and opinion remains the same after a lot of thought. (An opinion fully shared by Andy, btw) And to be clear - I recognize that this is an awful situation for all parties, as I said on the podcast. I do feel sympathy for the unfortunately situation the writer inner is in - we’ve all had shitty roommates and it sucks, but I do think that there were mistakes made along the way and that she needs to show more/any compassion to make this easier on herself and also just to be a compassionate person! My ADVICE is that bringing compassion into the situation will make it easier to ride it out while she has to. This is me giving advice to the writer inner, that it will be a smoother living situation while she has to be there if you bring compassion into the mix and aren’t just stewing in anger.
And honestly, I’m totally disheartened to hear and see how many people think that compassion justifiably goes out the window as soon as someone is a jerk. Compassion is not the same as pity or a free pass. It’s having some perspective on what this situation means for the writer inner, an able bodied person who has to endure a shitty roommate for a while but then gets to leave and go live her awesome life, and her shitty roommate, a disabled person who has to endure unimaginable suffering and hardship for the rest of her life.
It sounds like the disabled roommate wasn’t going to be a good roommate no matter what specifically because of her disability: She physically cannot clean up after herself and her wheels and maybe she’s unaware of how dirty it gets because she doesn’t have to (GET TO!) walk on the floors. She has to have medical discussions in her room that her other roommates will overhear that might make them uncomfortable. (compassionate view - she probably would rather not be having those medical convos/procedures either. She probably wishes she weren’t in a wheelchair that created dirt, etc.) So this started out as a doomed situation and got worse.
On top of that, it does sound like she is an inconsiderate roommate and a trash bag - eating the roommates food, not letting her roommates know when people are coming and going, etc.
So, that is where the compassion comes in. This isn’t me saying that this girl gets a free pass or her actions shouldn’t have consequences because she is disabled. I too think this should have been a discussion or many discussions early on that didn’t happen. However, here they are in this situation, they never had those discussions, and a compassionate view is that, yes, the disabled roommate is a jerk but you and I don’t know how we’d be if we were in her situation. We’d all probably be jerks. Some of us are jerks without this hardship. I believe this thinking can help the writer inner to not to take it personally if she calls her a bitch. It might make it easier to not cringe when hearing the medical discussions and might give her initiative to tell the roommates caregivers directly that they need to text you when they are coming over because you know she’s not going to do it. I’m not suggesting that she SHOULD have to do this stuff, or endure being called names, but this is the situation she’s in and I think it would make it easier to deal with.
Warg - mentioning other roommates is super relevant and gives perspective. I briefly mentioned on the podcast, I had an able bodied, nightmare roommate in college - drug use, having different guys over every night, leaving unconscionable messes while she slept off her hangovers for days on end… And this was while my parents were dying and I had my own shit. And I brought what seems like a lot more compassion to that situation because I recognized that she was struggling and was slipping into addiction. This view made it easier to deal with than just stewing in anger. Not that anger wasn’t there and wasn’t warranted just as it is in this case. I just think that the compassionate view makes it easier not to sit in the anger, to not take things personally and to not let it ruin you life.
Warg, I’m curious, what is your actual advice here to the writer inner on how to make this situation as easy as possible? No one is denying that this is a shitty situation for the writer inner and that it will be a good thing when it’s over and that no one would like to endure that. But she expressed that she is stuck there dealing with it for at least a few more months. My advice is to bring compassion into the mix to make it easier on her - the writer inner. That’s what I’m advising to make this situation as tolerable as possible. is your advice just to stew in her anger? To lash out more at the roommate? To plan a lawsuit against a depressed, miserable girl in a wheelchair?
Going back to some of the other comments, as I mentioned on the podcast, I did talk to a therapist about the aformentioned roommate and it helped immensely. I hope as others have suggested that the writer inner finds a counselor or someone to discuss this with in an actual safe space. She is of course entitled to feel angry and upset. My advice is that she also needs to have a little bit of perspective and compassion, just think we all should as humans and in this specific case I think it will really help her get through the rest of this living situation.
Firstly Abby, her mother does all her shopping. Her parents live about 20 minutes away and make sure she is well stocked with all her favorite crap food (Cookies, pasta, chocolate. Whatever she wants). She is just an inconsiderate jerk who would take our stuff regardless of how much food she had at the moment. That is not excusable, that is just trash bag behavior. Also, she has refused to share their schedule or information with us (another thing we have been trying to get her to do for months).
And Elizabeth, you don’t know me. You make the assumption that my life is “awesome”? I am a student paying my own way through school. My parents are going through a bombastic divorce. My grandfather just died a month ago from lung cancer and I couldn’t go to the funeral because of lack of funds. Want to know how this girl reacted when she saw me sobbing to C about how I couldn’t go to the funeral? Because she NEVER closes her door (As I stated in the original email, this being the reason why we hear uncomfortable medical things. She doesn’t give a crap if we hear them and I’m 98% sure she takes pleasure in us hearing because she knows it makes us uncomfortable. We have asked her to close her door multiple times but she refuses.) I heard her about an hour later on the phone with someone, she was LAUGHING about it. I the exact words were, “She is so fucking poor she cant buy a fucking plane ticket. (Cue laughter) Who gives a shit about their grandparents anyway?” ON TOP OF THAT, I have been in treatment for manic depressive disorder since I was nine. So how dare you make such assumptions! You of all people should know that just because someone is ‘able bodied’ doesn’t mean they don’t have baggage, pain and hardships that aren’t so obvious to the eyes.
As for unimaginable suffering and hardship? She thinks her life is pretty damn good. As other commentors have mentioned most people who are disabled generally do not want pity. People like girl have never known any other life. As she tells it, “I have never known anything different. These are the cards I have been delt and there is absolutely no use in self pity or whining over what I’ve never known.” A very commendable life view! If there is one good thing I can say about this girl it is that she is one of the most self confident and assured people I have ever met. As I said above, I have met her parents and they are wonderful people. When we were moving in it was her mother that told C and I what was wrong with her. She said that they had raised her to not think of her self any differently than anyone else and that we should treat her “Just as we would anyone else.” I commend her parents on this. BUT, what they also did was raise her in a home where she never had to do anything for herself. Everything, even things that she is perfectly capable of doing, were done for her. This resulted in what I am facing today, a girl raised in a privileged family who never had to work for anything in day to day life, who has extremely high view of herself, who also happens to be disabled.
She is also perfectly aware of how much dirt and how many rocks she tracks in, she is in a wheelchair, not blind. As I have stated above, in the original email and in the original comment the only reason we are hearing those conversations is because she refused to close her door. Something we have asked her many, many times to do.
Again, you seem to be ignoring what I have stated multiple times. We have tried to discuss things with her, she just ignores us or refuses. They did happen, they just didn’t do anything. I was being compassionate all last semester when I was sucking it up and just trying to get by with minimal confrontations. But the longer I am forced to live with this person, the more I learn from the open door, I have learned she is not someone to be pitied. Just because a person is disabled doesn’t mean they deserve compassion, everything I know about this person, everything I have learned since the blow up is that she does not deserve that.
Warg has the right idea, my anger has been my shield in the two months since I wrote the original email. Anger has protected me from her mean words, given me strength. C has not taken the route of anger, she has taken more the path Elizabeth described and as I stated in the comment above it has not turned out well. C has been this girls punching bag for the past two months and it has seriously affected her well being. When I wrote the email two months ago I was just looking for advice, comfort, anything to make the immediate situation better. Now, with everything that has occurred since I don’t know what I am looking for. I don’t think there is anything to be done except hope this girl doesn’t stay in the apartment for summer.
Okay, A. Listen, it sounds like she’s a royal trashbag. It sucks for you. No doubt you’ve been a victim in this. But you wrote in and asked for advice and gave the info you did in the original email. In my mind, your two options are: stew in anger, or force yourself to bring more compassion into the picture until you’re outta there. My advice was the latter and always would be, because I think anger is toxic to you. Having said that, if it is protecting you then I’m glad that the anger route is working for you - truly, if that’s what it takes to get through it. But I always feel like compassion is best so that was my advice. You didn’t like the advice Andy and I gave, clearly, but I can’t really apologize for that because it was my honest advice… And still would be, even knowing the depths of trashbagery you’ve outlined.
I sincerely wish you all the best, and am so happy that you’ll be out of that situation next year.
I’m sorry you got stuck with a shitty roommate, that really sucks and I’m glad you’ll be out of that situation soon. Your roommate sounds like she’s used to getting what she wants whenever she demands it and that is not going to go well for her if she wants a roommate that she actually gets along with, my guess from what I heard on the podcast and from what I’m reading here is she’s going to end up moving back with her parents.
There unfortunately isn’t much you can do at this point, I suggest taking a few minutes (or more depending on schedules) on going and hanging out with your other roommate outside of the apartment even if it’s just to sit and rant to each other. College isn’t easy and on-campus living is one of the hardest parts about it (I was walking around my campus the other day and there was a tour going on and I heard a dad ask the tour guide what he would get out of his daughter going to the school so just know you’re not alone in the bad roommate situation), but just keep remembering that this will be over soon. Do you have Twitter or anything? If you ever need to talk or just rant you can always message me on there.
Just a minor side note: Other roommates are gonna eat your food too, so you better start mentally preparing now. At least 1 in 3 roommates is gonna steal your Pirate’s Booty. It’s just a fundamental law of the universe or something. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you.
On a more serious note: Listen, if that’s really how everything went down, she sounds really mean and I’m sorry all this happened to you. But there is something a little callous about they way you describe all this (and her ‘crap food’ and whatnot). And there is a… lack of self-reflection here that is a little worrisome.
This is all deep stuff that’s hard to talk about effectively in this forum.
But, if you can, as a broader life thing (separate from this specific situation), maybe try asking yourself: Do I try imagining things from other people’s perspectives often enough? Do I monitor my own actions both with a sense of compassion for myself and with a willingness to admit mistakes and adjust my behavior if needed?
This is serious human shit we all need to figure out, you know? Anyway, good luck!
Ugh. I typed out this really long, kinda confrontational post about a bunch of points made here and in other comments but I can’t do it. I’m sleepy and I don’t like arguing with people I know are good folks. I mainly just made the above posts to let A know she isn’t alone and to keep it from feeling like she was being ganged up on.
My advice to A would be to minimize the time you spend at the apartment as much as possible and try to see a therapist or counselor to help you with your anger. Hopefully you have friends that will let you hang out at their places and a library or other area where you can study. You’ve just had the rotten luck to be forced into being around a toxic person. There’s nothing that you are doing wrong here. Take care of yourself and ignore this terrible situation as much as you can. Remember it will be over at some point. This too shall pass.
I think this is great advice, Warg. And thank you for the comment - After getting all riled up yesterday, I woke up this morning with fresh perspective - while I maintain my original advice, my feeling defensiveness is gone and none of us “arguing” are bad people and have done nothing wrong, we just have different views/opinions/perspectives. I really do wish the writer inner the best, I know she’s in a shitty situation and it will pass.
A, I just wanted to let you know I understand where you are coming from and I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this girl who sounds so terrible. And then on top of that you wrote into Totally Married to get some comfort and you just got shat on. I am so disappointed in Elizabeth and the rest of the commenters that have made you feel bad. They keep saying that you sound like you have no compassion and and you just should suck it up and deal with it. I am just inferring here, but maybe A doesn’t sound like she has any compassion because she’s been living in the thick of it over the last 6 months so it might be a little hard to not feel anger and disdain for her roommate.
I wish I had an answer for you to deal with this but I don’t. I know you said that her mom has apologized to you about her daughter’s behavior but have you had a real talk with her mom about all of your issues? Even see if they could hire someone to specifically help with cleaning up after her. I don’t know if that would be helpful or make it worse but it’s a shot. You could also talk directly to one of her helpers instead of your roommate about getting a schedule. Or maybe if you have friends that live on campus too, you can spend more time at their places? I know that’s not a real solution and obviously you want to feel comfortable in your own home but it’s another idea. And if you aren’t already seeing a counselor you should check to see if your college has free resources and go talk to someone.
Hopefully you don’t have to deal with this person too much longer. I’m sorry again that you have to go through this.
Hey Warg,
Thanks for your comments. I think this all comes down to the frame with which we are perceiving the situation, which will depend, in large part, on our own experiences with interpersonal relationships.
My frame is that, when these kinds of roommate situations go off the rails, there is often a lot of complex stuff at work, and there’s usually some room for improvement on both people’s parts. In order to move forward, taking the other person’s perspective into account and trying to have compassion for him/her is really important. That doesn’t mean giving the other person a free pass or ruminating excessively on all your own minor transgressions. It just means trying to hold this complex picture of the situation in mind and trying to remember how things might seem quite different from another point of view. This is HARD. And it’s something that most of us work on throughout our lives, with the college-age years being a huge period of growth in this department for many people. So, that’s how I’m interpreting all this.
But you point out (correctly, I think) that things aren’t always like that. Sometimes one person actually is simply being needlessly cruel and the other person actually is just on the receiving end of all that. If that’s the case here, then you’re absolutely right that just battening down the hatches and getting out is the plan, Warg.
It is SO hard to figure out which is which. I know I’m still working on this stuff, even though I’m an old
I know this is all very serious and it sounds like your roommate is a complete jerk. I was thinking that from the moment Elizabeth started reading the first email. I have know so many disabled kids/adults that can be completely curtious people. We all go through struggles.
The first time you mentioned comming out of your room without pants and having her grandma there I thought. LOL she should do that more often and maybe the family would stop coming by. I know I know. Not everyone is comfortable like that but it night work. There should always be schedules, there should always be communication. She has a disability that doesn’t give her entitlement to be a crappy human being.
If you have such a comfortable relationship with her parents maybe talk to them the next time they are over. Lay it out for them that though you understand and have compassion for what she is going through, This girl is taking advantage of this situation. You wouldn’t feel unsafe in your own appartment.
I am really surprised that there is nothing you can do about your housing. I know on my campus we could contact housing and get ourselves put on a waiting list to move. Mid year there was always a few drop outs and people who decided to choose an apartment over dorm life. Keep fighting with housing and PUSH the safety point. You don’t know her family, friends, or helpers. There should only be three or four people who have keys to the apartment. The three of you and a main helper. Squeeky wheel gets the greese you know?
Good luck!!!
On fast relationships… I met my husband (we’ve been married 10 years) on Match.com in February, we were engaged 5 months later and we were married after only being together for a total of 1 year 8 months. Sometimes when you know, you know! Good luck to you!!
Agree! I knew my husband was the one after 6 weeks of dating. ..he knew too! We got engaged at 6 months and married 2 years later. I had also finished grad school when it happened. I wish you all the best!
Aww, thanks you guys! We went to premarital counseling yesterday and we have a clean bill of health. I know people that don’t know us will raise their eyebrows, but by the time we get married I’ll be 24 and he’ll be 26. It’s not the craziest thing in the world and we feel fantastic about it.
And all of our friends and families are supporting us all the way on this. It seems that everyone saw this relationship coming except us!
Congrats Jen! I think that’s awesome.
Hi,
You guys did a great job on the roommate question. Just a couple of quick things:
1) Maybe it’s not too late for the writer-inner to rise to the occasion? You guys suggested that that ship has sailed, but… maybe not? Who knows. Maybe a direct — yet kind, compassionate — conversation with the roommate could still help. Perhaps that, combined with a bit of a mindset adjustment on the part of the writer-inner could salvage the situation. People can grow and change and actively develop. Be cool, writer-inner. You have it in you deep inside.
2) The writer-inner might consider seeing a counselor at school. It does sound like the situation would be a lot for someone to deal with. And as you mentioned, the whole college/becoming a grown up thing is a lot to deal with in and of itself. Maybe having a chance to talk about some of the stresses in her own life could diffuse all the emotion a bit and help her be cooler and more understanding when actually interacting with her roommate.
3) The no talking thing sounds brutal. It will destroy you all. Seriously, fix that if at all possible. If you feel you can no longer re-open those lines of communication by yourselves, you might want to see if your university offers any sort of mediation services for roommate difficulties? Maybe help from some sort of outside expert in conflict management could get things back on track. This situation is bad for your soul.
I agree. What is sounds like happened is the writer-inner felt guilty so she didn’t say anything and as frustration with the situation grew, there became a lack of sympathy. Or maybe the writer-inner’s roommate is a jerk and there’s more to the story then not cleaning, I don’t know. I would also have a hard time with that much lack of privacy so like Laila I also suggest going to counseling on your own or look into seeing if your school does mediation. Is the apartment you’re in owned by the school, because if so you should still have an RA just like in a dorm, can you talk to them? This situation right now is toxic so I suggest getting help sooner rather then later.
I have to say, the roommate sounds rude and inconsiderate. You shouldn’t have to ask your roommate to clean up after themselves or announce when company is coming over. That is basic respect and common courtesy. I understand that this is probably her first time living on her own, but she’ll have to learn how to live with other people or every living situation is just going to be hell. She probably didn’t learn it from her family if they are just coming and going without knocking or at least making their presence known to the other roommates. I’d just keep on ignoring her and quietly bid my time until the lease is up. Don’t clean up after her or engage her in any way.
I really wish you guys would bring back the “Andy Says Bounce” shirts! I would totally order one.
to the writerinner with the roommate, Id suggest making a chore chart for the dirty floors. Once a week one of the roommates and or helpers sweeps and mops the floors. You all live there and should take responsibility for dirty floors. Even though one person can make more of a mess with the floors you all live there and should all take responsibility.
Think of it like bills, one time i lived in a house where there was one heater which didnt reach my room and my room was an ice chest! Even though my room got no heat I still paid for 1/3 of the bill because I lived there. Im sure I either took more showers or cooked more things so it all mostly evened out in the end.
Having roommates sucks no matter how able or unabled bodied they are. But maybe a simple chore chart can help? just my two cents!
I think you two should ban yourself from apologizing for the quality of the podcast. You are busy people who make an excellent entertaining show for free (3 in fact!) while raising a baby and working super hard and I still haven’t noticed it being less quality recently. Perhaps you could put in the notes what time in the show you started discussing questions each time, so people who aren’t interested in your banter could skip ahead. For the rest of us, just be your banter-y selves and be proud of it!
Haha, totally. Are you guys secretly Canadian? No need for apologies!
Thanks y’all
I think it’s just a self deprecating thing but of course sometimes it feels like some episodes are better than others. What can I say, I’m a double virgo! But you’re right, and I appreciate it! Xo
Yes, stop apologizing.
I like the podcast and there is really no need to put yourself down.
I concur! I actually especially love the banter-y parts of your podcast and how you guys don’t filter yourselves — like when you posted that podcast a while back of your guys’ argument/fight. I think it’s so cool and genuine and generous that you guys put yourselves out there every week and anyway, as a young-er-ish listener (20 years old.. is that still young??) I love listening to you guys talk about your past and your perspective on everything.
ALSO Teddy is the cutest baby ever I hope she is doing well and Ruby is doing well and lots of love to everyone at casa de Laime!!!
Thank you Dorothy! And yes, you are still TOTALLY young, but obviously very mature and awesome and you have a fantastic name
Thanks so much.
Elizabeth and Andy - Something rubbed me the wrong way in Elizabeth’s response in the podcast - “I’m honestly inspired by her” and her response to the writer-inner on here - “an able bodied person who has to endure a shitty roommate for a while but then gets to leave and go live her awesome life, and her shitty roommate, a disabled person who has to endure unimaginable suffering and hardship for the rest of her life”
I’m a ‘disabled’ person. I’m not in a wheelchair, but I do have to deal with people thinking I’m inspiring because I do things with one hand. I don’t want to be pitied for my ‘suffering and hardship’ and I don’t want to be an inspiration just for simply living my life. If you have a few minutes, watch this:
http://www.ted.com/talks/stella_young_i_m_not_your_inspiration_thank_you_very_much?language=en
Please, I understand it was not your intention at all to make disabled people feel small and pathetic, but that is the way it makes me feel when people talk about my ‘disability’ like this. And I would never belittle someone else’s problems because they’re an able bodied person.
I do agree that compassion all around will make everyone’s life better, though.
Thanks.
Fair enough Steph, I was just making assumptions based on the behaviors the writer inner outlined that this girl is likely depressed and miserable, which I assumed before the writer inner said otherwise. And this assumption was not necessarily because of her disability although I could understand why that would cause depression and I do know that having a disability increases ones likelihood of suffering from depression. My comment though was certainly not a blanket statement for all people with disabilities, which I thought was pretty clear. She seemed, from her behavior to be pretty miserable and depressed, no?
And, that is a great video, however the context is different. I’m not looking to people with disabilities to be my inspiration or forcing that expectation on them for my own benefit. However, I can be inspired by a person with disabilities of any sort just as I can be inspired by anyone, can I not? To hear that someone who cannot generate muscle is going to college and living independently, (albeit thoughtlessly as we’ve established!) well, that’s fucking inspiring to me! It also hits home because my grandmother had ALS for thirty years and I saw just how hard it was to live without muscle or the ability to use ones body the way others can. So yes, hearing about this girl makes me think I can do things that might be challenging when the going gets rough too. Now, I know more about her and she sounds like a total piece but that wasn’t what I was working with then.
Having said that, and this is for everyone who is commenting here on this issue - All of these comments and anger directed at me (this is not directed at you, Steph, the response to your comment just happens to be where this is landing) are all because I suggested that (quel horror!) someone bring some COMPASSION into a situation. Not exactly terrible advice for almost any given situation.
I appreciate the original writer inner for following up, she’s entitled to feel hurt and disagree with whatever advice we give. I mean, anyone’s allowed to disagree with us as they (rightfully!) frequently do. But I’m at the point of, Seriously? I can’t suggest COMPASSION without a backlash? fuck. this.
Poing being - (again, not directed at Steph!) I have no apology in me for suggesting compassion and I’m over defending it. I know in my heart it’s the right thing to suggest here.
Now I’m moving on
Elizabeth, thanks for responding and clarifying what you meant by inspiring. I understand where you’re coming from more now. It is a bit of a ‘trigger word’ for me.
I did not mean to imply you’re not allowed to be inspired by people with great spirit despite life’s challenges, just that sometimes it’s frustrating for me when people are amazed/inspired by me living my life, because to me it feels like the person is expecting me to be able to do so little for myself that simple everyday acts are amazing to them. OI also don’t like when people (not you!)
Again, not saying this is how you were acting, just the way it often comes across when people talk about people with disabilities being inspiring.
Thanks Steph, I totally get where you are coming from… I can imagine that is frustrating. And sorry if the tone of my response was defensive, I was really “in it” when I wrote!
Great episode. You two are too hard on yourselves saying it was the worst podcast ever. You’re the best! I think the writer inner with the disabled roommate came off harsh via email but I can see her point. I think Elizabeth’s points were valid. But I also think that being disabled doesn’t give someone a license to be an asshole.
I wanted to comment on the boy whos girlfriend has food issues. Most of the time I think you have great advice, but not this time.
You can not find a solution to all of your problems in therapy. Therapy is of course important, but not everyone can afford it or find the time, and some problems should be addressed without therapy first.
Like this one I find.
This boy should at first have a talk with his girlfriend and tell her, that he loves her thin or less thin, but her behavior is bad for the relationship.
She should learn to accept her body or try to change it through eating better. Maybe she is not ment to be very thin, but better eating habits are better for the health no matter what.
I had some body issues myself, so i no it’s not always easy. But I think this is the best he can do.
(wheelchair guy from oh so long ago early podcast writer-inner)
I considered writing a much longer post (and may still, and just email it to E to see fit to do with however she wishes) as the roommate on wheels from hell was so eerily similar to my own in college….if it was bizarro land. I also have a degenerative musculary dystrophy disorder (congenital myopathy, the doctor’s cheap out for really saying ‘uh you have muscle weakness since birth and we don’t really know why….’). I began losing a lot of my mobility at start of college as well. I had begun using a scooter in high school taking it between classrooms and walking in to a desk after parking it outside the room to using it in the room to now 15yrs later (geezus monkey loving gods…that long now??!) using a motorized wheelchair. Being Andy and Elizabeth’s age group….I had a scooter so early that in college, i got the frat guys making seinfeld jokes in relation.
Anyhow, in relation to the roommate…I had apartments with almost exclusively friends i had made in college so much of these issues were resolved for me. It’s frustrating to deal with the floors issue, but I do have to wonder how in the world she’s tracking that much stuff in? Unless you have been off mudding there’s not really much you should be getting. (well i suppose this also really depends on where you live too and weather). That said, I am bothered by when i live somewhere with carpet. Gods take thine evil spawn that is white carpets! I’m in the process right now of moving into my first real house, and i’m already planning to have all the carpet torn out and tossed and just have vinyl/hardwood flooring to make cleaning easier (as well as bonus of easier mobility on it also).
From the sound of other posts above, it seems her parents are the ones that are her caretakers, so it surprises me that they haven’t dealt with it. This may just very well be a trash bag parents make trash bag children issue more than anything else. I took care of myself in college, including cleaning, taking out garbage (i’m on of those weirdos that figures out a way to do things even with limitation, might be the result of having grown up rural on a farm), so if my mother came by to visit she’d try to do motherly cleaning and it’d drive me nuts.
In the end, I’m with E on this one, show some compassion and be the bigger person in this situation. Someone that can’t appreciate that isn’t worth your time nor your anger directed at, as anger won’t improve things and most likely will just make yourself more miserable in the end. I imagine we’ve all had bad roommate stories at least a few times in life, in the end, those people pass on through and go down a very different path if they continue to trash-bag their way down the road. Just make sure you are on the happier path away from it and it will all work out.
Thanks for the comment JHG, good to hear from you on this!
I just wanted to say that I look forward to your show every week. Even when I disagree with you guys I appreciate the vulnerability it takes to be as honest as you guys are. I admire that a great deal and I think it’s what makes the show so great.
Thank you Susan, means a lot!
I second that, Susan! Any “criticism” I may have written above doesn’t undermine the fact that I listen and comment because I love the content you put out!
Same here! I realized while I was writing the comment I decided not to post that I have been listening to your show since the Earwolf Challenge and this was only the second thing I didn’t agree with. That’s a pretty damn good record. Thank you for doing what you do!
I know the debate about the roommate thing is raging, but the one thing that stood out to me that people seem to be glossing right over is that like 6 people who don’t live in the apartment have keys. That is 100% unacceptable. I don’t care who you are, or what problems you may have, you can’t just hand out keys to a SHARED SPACE without consent from the other roommates. Totally unacceptable. This whole situation is beyond fucked up and I feel bad for the LW.
Agreed - That was definitely the one thing in the email that stood out to me as the most upsetting concern and it’s so concerning in fact as a safety issue that I was certain the writer inner could terminate her lease or sue. But when I suggested hiring a housing lawyer to her via email (before we discussed her question on the podcast), the writer inner said that one of their mothers is a lawyer and maintains that their hands are tied. Doesn’t make sense to me…
yeah, though to be fair, the majority of problem isn’t the keys, it’s the inconsiderate nature of them in general. Also, housing laws vary quite a bit from state to state. when i lived in a shared spot, my mom at the minimum always had a copy of the key. However, she always called ahead of time before coming by to help me with anything. (Though I did live in a shared apartment in the last days of having a shared landline phone the common room of apts.) Which was super rare, as if anything immediate needed doing, I had no problem asking roommates since I only lived with people I knew and who knew my limitations.
Irony is, since i’ve lived by myself the past 5yrs or so now….my mother has a key, my younger brother and sister as well. the two siblings call ahead…but my mom loves just showing up. seems to have a knack for showing up when i’m in the shower (which is quite an ordeal to do on your own from a wheelchair compared to other people’s experience). You ever had your parent show up and ask if you need any help in there? 😉
It sounds like their apartment lease might be super-shady too. Not letting you know who you’re rooming with until basically move-in day? Weird. And then, from the sounds of things, having no options to switch…yeah, I would say even if the problem roommate leaves, get the heck out of that apartment situation.
I agree that the other roommates definitely should have been notified about keys. But if all six of those keys belong to her carers, it might be necessary…if she needs round-the-clock care, that might mean three or four main carers, at least. I knew an elderly lady who needed her helpers there 24/7, even while she slept just in case, and she had a team of four who rotated. So there might have been a reason for SO many extra people, but it should have been handled way better.
well to be honest, if she needs 24/7 care, a college apartment complex probably isn’t going to meet her needs very well in general, so this all sounds rather unfortunate.
Everyone seems to be hung up on the disabled roommate debacle, but I was more worried about the girl wanting to know how to get rid of a “friend”. Why couldn’t she just email her and say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore? I’m not saying that she should be an asshole about it, but what’s wrong with saying something like, “I think we’ve grown apart and are two very different people and I think that it’s best if we part ways.” We’re all adults and I really think the whole passive thing is just more work and more stress for the writer inner. Just be honest. They don’t even live near each other so it’s not like she’s gonna come to her house to confront her. In my opinion, honesty is the best policy here.
I also thought about this.
When you are not sure if you want to be friends or not, than its ok to let it fade out.
But I didn’t like it that when the annoying friend asks if something is up and if the doesn’t want to be friends anymore, the girl was supposed to say everything is fine, I’m just stressed out.
I think when she is absolutely sure that she doesn’t want the friendship anymore to say so.
Especially women are to afraid of direct confrontation. Why?
I agree with you. I think Elizabeth is a bit too quick to suggest the fade out. You’re a grown up, just tell someone it’s not really working for you anymore and leave it at that.
Hi Elizabeth- it sounds to me like you are having muscle spasms and need to see a chiropractor. My guess based on the intro. I’ve been there, also due to lifting too much stuff, and carrying awkwardly. Feel better!
Great suggestion - thanks Abby! I think I’ll make an appt. soon, this is getting ridic!
Andy, you were hesitant on the first relationship thing. I totally can see that, but just wanted to share so you can see an example of when it does work.
I met my husband in 6th grade and we became fast friends. He was my first kiss at 12 (my birthday party, co-ed hotel sleepover - very scandalous ;-)) and we just stayed friends. He went to the rival high school, we started hanging out with the same group Sophomore year, both high school version of dated lots of people within that group very casually. Mid-junior year, we became exclusive, I switched high schools the next year (to be with my friends too), we went to both our proms together and horribly, got into very different colleges. We decided to stay together and do the long distance thing - we were a 6 hour drive from each other, but home was in the middle.
4 years later, I graduated, moved up to his school to get my teaching credential while he finished his 5th year and moved in with him. We moved to a new city not too far away the next year, got engaged that summer and married the summer after. We are on 5 years of marriage and 13 of dating. I think when it’s the right person, it’s just right.
To be fair, we have seen like 3 versions of each other in all that time, but I think the writer-inner saw a lot of the same changes in their relationship over time even though they weren’t together. I do see the caution with the short time dating though. I have to say to the writer-inner, I am super impressed with how much effort you guys are putting into making sure you are the right fit - with the counseling, family involvement, writing in, etc. I think if you continue to communicate and put in this much effort, you will have lots of amazing years ahead of you!
I had several relationships before, but my husband did not. I was his first steady partner, by the age of 29.
We are nine years together now. I would rather have him having some relationship experience before, but it did not hurt our relationship that he didn’t have any.
Aww, thanks! I’ve been friends with him since I was 14, and I’m now 23. So even though this is my first relationship, it’s with one of my oldest and most trusted friends. It’s been the easiest transition in the world to make! 😀
Wowie is the wheelchair roommate issue ever a hot topic!
One thing I thought of is that hiring a cleaning person is one of the most amazing ways to sidestep the chores issues that arise between roommates and couples. I know college students have limited funds and I know that there’s already a lot of people coming in and out of the place, but man if I could go back in time to some truly epic fights with my roommates and suggest pooling our cash for someone to do a weekly surface scrub, I would. You learn a LOT going through all the fights that come with communal living, but at the end of the tunnel is often either a better attitude towards doing chores where you stop seeing red when they need doing and stop dragging your feet on them (which didn’t happen for me until my very last years of my 20s), or a person to come get the details, something I’ve only started to pay for and man do I wish I’d started sooner. I’d give up netflix or a gym membership to get that.
A…I’d caution you not to make your roommate into an evil villain in your mind. I think this is where the “compassion” comes in, but I’d maybe put it into a “see all the sides” place. Even is she is the most miserable mean person who laughs and unrepentantly eats all your food, and takes pleasure from riding across a muddy puddle and then coming home and putting your favorite coat on the floor and grinding the mud in, you still have some months left to go with her. If you get stuck in that “oh god I am just DONE” mode now, it’s going to suck like crazy. And very few people really are just mad crazy villains, they’re usually just people who don’t mesh with you correctly for whatever reason- which is usually some 60/40 combination of things you do and things they do.
Take it from a non-laid back type of person who has put up with a lot of terrible bosses and roommates. You need to find ways to cope and keep going. One possible solution is trying to find the good in her and using that and that’s probably the right one. Another one is trying to get to a truce, not because you will suddenly both like each other and be friends, but because it makes life easier. But the last one for me would be defiance. Figure out ways for you and C to cope around these issues- ways to carve out a home in this space. Although the many caretakers is unsettling and I wouldn’t like it either, I do love the idea of taking back the space a bit- it’s your home and not theirs, so find ways to get into it and make all your visitors a bit confused and uncomfortable. I’ve already thought of a billon ideas.
You could get a bit crazy with it: hang up some weird posters and mobiles on the ceilings, put a lockbox with a combination in the fridge to hold your good cheese, start walking through the apartment naked (maybe only when the caretaker is a woman), I dunno.
You could start watching movies in the common areas and rewind every single time she interrupts you so she has to hear the same lines over and over and over.
Start a game club where everyone plays one of those long board games that takes up the whole living room, without telling her at a really weird time- 8 am? Wear onesies and raincoats and carry umbrellas around. sit outside her door in a chair talking loudly to yourself about your classwork. Make little art arrangements out of the crumbs and dirt she leaves around the house. Sculpt little figurines out of the wrappers of her candy bars.
Every time she eats something of yours, start bringing all the food in the house into her room obsessively checking, “wait is this my cheese or yours? Oh yours, Ok. sorry, I’ll put it back. Wait sorry, is this my broccoli or your broccoli?…etc” Then draw dicks on it with a sharpie and be like, “ok so the penis yogurt is mine! and the one with the boobs is yours!” Next day…come in and be like, “is the boobs yogurt mine? I forgot my system”. Repeat over and over.
It’s not the high road, but if you accept the constraints and think of ways to push back which are not mean or harmful, just weird and funny and related to the stuff she does, it could be sort of fun. Again i want to emphasize, nothing that can physically harm your roommate, nothing that’s about destroying her possessions in revenge, nothing like that. Aim for confusing more than cruel. Just ideas that are about embracing the surreal, not ideas where it comes from REVENGE.
For instance I had roommates who were awful with the dishes, so I started to take away our plates one by one after I washed a stack. I’d leave them in odd places and come up with weird completely implausible excuses (oh I went to get the windex under the sink and I was holding the dishes and I must have just put them all here, CRAZY). That’s the right thing to do, it is not the right thing to do to leave the plates in their beds. I had roommates who would each buy lots of mustard and mayo and ketchup and forget about them, so when they started to make me insane, I’d line up all the duplicates like a row of soldiers in the front of the fridge and say nothing, just make it impossible to ignore that we had 7 ketchups.
Make it a game. You and C get a point when it’s totally blameless and harmless but also completely insane. Because this is the thing about being stuck with a person you hate. If you cant find a way to pity them or get to know their side and forgive them then the last option is laugh it off. Right now you are giving this woman a lot of power to ruin your life because every horrible thing she does drives you mad. And a lot of people pointed out there are many other roommates out there who will do the same things, regardless of whether or not they have challenging circumstances to put up with. I had close friends who were TERRIBLE roommates and that was awful, because my roommates were driving me crazy and I couldn’t even tell my friends about it.
College is a great time to get a bit of weirdness into your system. A sense of the absurd will stand you well in the future. And I tell you it really helps spark the forgiveness, when the habits of the person who makes you miserable become your inspiration. Like I said, this isn’t the proper higher path we can take to be a better person, but it gets there in roundabout ways, because it loosens up the tension and the feeling that you are helpless and gritting your teeth and makes you active and almost excited to see what the next dumb thing inspires you to do.
I also have to comment on the girlfriend with body issues, since I have pretty much been that girl before (and still am, although it’s a struggle). Although my husband has found me attractive regardless of how my weight has fluctuated, it’s hard to view myself that way. I had tried to diet at one point during our first year together, but it was just making me miserable that I was putting all this effort into it and nothing was happening, so I had to stop focusing on the scale and start just trying to be healthier in general. (Funnily enough, when I STOPPED trying is when I lost ten pounds!)
I would say, to the writer-inner, definitely don’t comment on things she’s eating, healthy or not. There seem to be a lot of issues with her in that department, so direct comments can be more hurtful than you intend. You can offer to cook healthy things or go out to eat at healthier places, though.
I eventually just decided to accept my body and stop working on it as a “project,” and consciously decide that it was okay as it is. I had to do that for myself, not for my husband or anyone else. It may sound cheesy, but I made a Pinterest board of body-positive images (pictures of beautiful curvy women, those corny memes about “there is no wrong way to have a body” and sayings like that), and reading more body-positive or Health At Every Size blogs. But that’s just what I did, and everyone’s path is different.
I agree with you, I think he needs to just stop talking about it entirely. Especially do not try and help, she clearly feels guilty and so each helpful thing triggers defensive behavior.
If you want to help with the food, I’d just try and take over the food prepartion. Say, “I really want to make this chicken taco recipe tonight for you, what time will you be home?” Don’t say anything about if it’s healthy or not, and don’t give her shit about the portions or anything- the point is to give her food that feels better to eat without creating any barriers to her enjoyment. Offer to be in charge of food 5 out of 7 nights and do it in a way where its like, “I like doing it, it’s relaxing. Plus you do so much other stuff, I got this.” It’s easy to be unhealthy if the meals aren’t all ready to go. Even if you made sort of garbage food- nachos and pasta every night, if you cook it yourself, it would probably still be healthier than take out, so that’s a huge step forward. Try and figure out partway there healthy snacks that she still likes, but do it quietly- if she likes chips, try different varieties- the root veggie ones, or lentil crisps or whatever and buy those. Whatever you do, don’t make it a big thing though, just have alternatives. I’ll definitely pick the healthier thing if it’s easier, but usually it’s not so if there’s turkey jerky in the cabinet, instead of chips, then that’s fine.
Re the body image issues and feeling sexy, I think maybe you should move away from saying generic things like “You look so beautiful babe whatever you do” into very specific style and mood praise and desire, like, “wow your glasses with the ponytail look is really turning me on. Can we make out?” or, “watching you all day in those shorts just makes me want to go home and jump into bed with you so much.” The thing about this is she chooses her clothing. Knowing that certain looks have an effect on you, that make a partner feel really good. Its much better than that, “you look hot no matter what”, because that is hard to believe and also implies a sort of unsexy blindness. It’s like the tired old joke of a guy not being able to tell when a woman has a new hairstyle- if you notice those style cues and respond to them she’ll know that she can still get an extra response from you.
Saying, “oh hey whatever I love you no matter what” is in a wierd way negating that she can give you certain special things. This puts her more in charge- of course she looks attractive to you in certain things, but there are specific things that make you go crazy and she’s in charge of those. It’s about the gift that you are getting which she can give to you no matter what size she’s in.
Hello, girl with the disabled roommate here. I have a very disturbing update but first, some answers.
We live in a cold, snowy, rocky place. The university has some major construction going on and they spread rock salt over literally everything. So, for those asking what she could possibly track in that could be that bad the answer is rock salt, small rocks, lots and lots of dirt and on more than one occasion small pieces of metal.
As for the apartment building, it is an apartment building. It is not connected with the university in any way and there are no ‘RA’s, so the university can do nothing. What it is is a student apartment building, only people with proof of enrollment can move in. Everyone in each unit has an individual lease for their own bedroom and bathroom, the building places individually leased people in units togeather. Basically, picture your first apartment but with built in roommates that you don’t get to pick. My mother is a lawyer and has gone over my lease for any way to get out, they put a lot of clauses in there to make it as hard as possible to get out of. The only options for getting out of the apartment are to either pay a $4000 transfer fee to change units or pay out the lease. As I stated in an above comment I am paying my own way so neither of those were viable options. The only real option was to sublease, both C and I tried to sublease for this semester and summer. The problem with subleasing was whenever either of us bright someone over to see the place when they met our other roommate they backed out of the deal.
Now for the update.
C is currently in the hospital. Last night she attempted suicide. The doctors say she will make a full recovery, but I’m not so sure. I was the one that found her and called the ambulance. She had written a note, it said that she couldn’t take living with this girl abusing her any more and would rather die then live with this person. As I have said in posts above, in the past couple months C is the one that has been in this girls line of fire, she has been reduced to tears multiple times but has been trying to keep her head up and be kind. THIS is what she gets in return. It’s sickening. My mother and I are working with C’s parents, they are building case against this girl for abuseing C. We have also put a restraining order in motion. She is being evicted from the building, aparently a suicide attempt blaming the buding and this girl was enough to finally get them to do something about it. I don’t know what to do, I have been at the hospital since it happened.
I really don’t care what the commenters have to say. I’m not even sure why I’m posting this. I don’t care what, “she’s had a hard life! It’s only a year of your life!” Crap anyone has to say. It’s not just one year, I will never get this time back. I will never be able to get the image of C laying in a pool of blood out of my mind. That’s going to stick with me for the rest of my live. That image, that knowledge is far worse than being in a stupid wheelchair.
A, I’m very sorry to read what happened with C. I hope that you will help her by encouraging her to see a therapist - generally included in the cost of student tuition - because there is most likely something else going on in C’s life. To say that your disabled roommate is the sole cause of C’s unhappiness and desperation to end her life is really not the way to help C. She absolutely has other issues that I hope she will find someone professional to talk to. No offense to you, but you are not the help that she needs in this situation - she needs somebody who has been trained to help those who have attempted suicide.
Thank God you were there for C. Hope she recovers physically and mentally after this. I’m glad you are there for her. Hopefully soon you will be able find a healier living situation. Therapy for both of you will go a long way.
I’m so sorry
Oh man, best of luck to you both. I hope you and C get the help that you need to move on from this as well as possible. Roommate situations can be horrible for a number of reasons. The one positive thing that might come out of this is that it will help you see the warning signs earlier on so that you never find yourself in a similar situation again. And when you find yourself in a great situation in the future, nurture and appreciate it because they can be difficult to find sometimes!
A - utilize your schools counseling resources. You sre still young and have a lot of emotional growth to do as well as learning how to deal with stressful situations without compounding on drama.
Focus on healing yourself and the rest will follow.