Ghost Trails and Book Tales!
07.27.15 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 211
Elizabeth and Andy get into some intense “bidding” with recent freaky ghost sightings and some great news about books and how they’re making a comeback in the Laime/Rosen household! Then they give their unqualified advice to listener questions about soulmates, whether long-distance as a married couple can work, and if it’s a good idea to pull the trigger on having kids even when finances aren’t quite wrapped up with a bow. Enjoy!
43 Comments!
I LOVE the bookwads idea! I’m on my 47th book of the year; it’s been my obsession this year and I love finding people who also enjoy reading and can give great suggestions.
I love the idea as well! I’m reading Go Set a Watchman right now, I’d totally join a Totally Laime book group. When I was little my mom worked as a social worker at an elementary school and her office was in the back of the library so whenever I had to go with her I’d sit in the library and read all day.
Oh Yay! I’m really excited and hope we can make it happen! I’m currently reading (crying through) Tiny Beautiful Things. I’m super open to hearing what books you guys have been consumed by, especially fiction!
xo
I think this is a great idea! I’m in the middle of Go Set A Watchman too, and I’m dying to discuss it.
Count me in for the book club! Elizabeth, I’m also in the middle of Tiny Beautiful Things. I bought it as I was crying my way through Wild (is that how we all ended up reading it?)
Book suggestion for Andy, as he said he was looking for more biographies: it sounds super silly, but Rob Lowe’s Stories I Only Tell My Friends is possibly the most fun thing I’ve read all summer- and now I can’t wait to read his newer book. My mother thinks I’m crazy..
Yes! I’m in! I read about a new book every week and a half and my library hold list is so long! I just finished ‘ The Girl on the Train’ and if you liked ‘Gone Girl’ you must read it!
Kayla - The Girl on the Train was AMAZING!! It really is a good book to follow Gone girl
I am obsessed with book clubs of late- online, in-person, whatever. Right now, I’m reading Kate Atkinson’s “A God in Ruins,” and I love it. Have you heard of Goodreads? I keep track of all of my books there, including my “to-read” list.
I LOVE this idea. I’m currently reading All I Know and Love and its heavy but really, really good! I also read Girl on the Train and loved it! Totally agree with the comparison to the style of Gone Girl. Elizabeth, you should also try Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn. It’s different but the same kind of creepy and I liked it so much I actually used to read it while running on the treadmill and got some of my longest runs in.
regarding the ‘ghost’ sighting… not to be a killjoy but from your description this phantom sounds like a girl on a skateboard. i’m not saying i have any proof it wasn’t a supernatural event but isn’t the simplest option the first thing that should be examined before moving on to an ethereal world explanation?
Haha,I wish!! But the terrain she was “floating” on would be impossible for a skateboarder… It’s hard for people to walk down even - an unpaved, grassy steep hill.
The two Facebook groups I mentioned can be found here if you want to join in the cause!
Moms Demand Action:
https://www.facebook.com/MomsDemandAction
Coalition To Stop Gun Violence:
https://www.facebook.com/CoalitiontoStopGunViolence?fref=ts
I’m in for totally bookwads! I’ve read about 12.5 books this summer alone. Love it!
Elizabeth, if you want a real page-turner with some slightly dark edges, I can’t recommend Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel enough. It’s totally addictive and so well-realized that it feels like the characters are real people.
Ooh, I will check it out - thanks for the recommendation! And keep ’em coming
Laimewad book club! Yaaaas! I love to read but I haven’t made the time since my daughter was born 2 1/2 yrs ago and I was just telling my husband that I wanted to get back into it cause it was something I did that made me feel like me and I really need that. Something like this sounds like a perfect “push”!
Have you ever tried audiobooks? I have a little guy and will be having another baby any day now- hands-free audiobooks work sometimes.
I just read If I Stay and Where She Went. They were easy reads and very good!! Also Orphan Train and Girl on the Train were recent great reads as well.
Andy, if you’re enjoying “In Cold Blood” you have to see the movie “Capote” with Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the story of how he researched and wrote the book and it’s very well done
I love anything by Jojo Moyes, The Girl You Left Behind, Me Before You, The Last Letter From Your Lover, Ship of Brides, all so good! The ones that I’ve read have all been different, I notice some authors write the same story with different characheters or different places, but not these books. You can’t go wrong with any of them!
Second Jojo Moyes! I read all her books last year. Ditto to Liane Moriarty. Could I suggest we do the club through Goodreads? It’s a great site and built for this.
Yes, love the book club idea!
Some recs…
For Elizabeth:
The Fever (by Megan Abbott)
Wild
The Paris Wife
Where’d You Go, Bernadette
For Andy:
Unbroken
Night of the Gun
People Who Eat Darkness
Zeitoun
The Psychopath Test
And if you every want some fiction-
High Fidelity
Visit from the Goon Squad
So excited about this book club idea, and all the great book recommendations!! I have always been an avid reader, but ever since having kids it’s like TV takes precedence once they’re in bed. It’s so sad - this book club is motivation for me, though, because I know once I get back into it I won’t miss tv AT ALL.
Where’d You Go, Bernadette IS ADORABLE! I am still looking to another book along the lines of this one but I have yet to find one… would LOVE some recommendations
I just read Where’d You Go, Bernadette and loved it. Highly recommend it, Elizabeth.
I think the idea of soul mates is awful. What if your soul mate dies before you meet or lives continents away? Are you destined to never know the love of a soul mate? I think you can be happy with pretty much anyone. You don’t have to be “soul mates” to be deeply in love and happy.
I agree with you- If there really was 1 person you were destined to be with, what are the odds that you’d actually ever meet them? There’s like 7 billion people on Earth! Those are not good odds.
I also think the idea of soulmates can be harmful. While there is a certain magic and mysticism to the falling-in-love process, at some point most relationships and marriages work well because of the willingness to stay together, to work on your relationship, face your own flaws, etc. The soulmate concept makes it seem like “the universe” is choosing who you are being with, when reality, it is you who are choosing and you who will continue to choose should you decide to. Then, if/when the relationship goes through a difficult season, you’re not looking back thinking that maybe things are hard because this person just wasn’t “the one” for me, and I better go find “the one” if I ever want to be happy.
That said, it’s totally possible like Elizabeth said that you might choose to be with someone that would never really be compatible and the relationship might not work out (and thank god sometimes it doesn’t), but I don’t think it’s because that person just wasn’t your soulmate.
I agree that it’s problematic, but I agree with Elizabeth’s point of view on soulmates. Someone who your soul is familiar with somehow.
Here’s a great take on the problem with the traditional soulmates concept from a favorite (science/math) webcomic of mine: https://what-if.xkcd.com/9/
+1 for Totally Bookwads!
As someone mentioned already, I highly recommend “Where’d you go, Bernadette” for some fun, light reading.
@Andy I really enjoyed Steve Martin’s autobiography, “Born standing up”. Will definitely check out “Small Giants” (and buy it through the Amazon link).
One thing about reading in general: I’m with Andy, I think the majority of people don’t read that much anymore. I think a lot of people say they do because it’s socially expected. I’m a journalist and a big chunk of my work is reading and doing research, so at the end of the day, I really have to force myself to actually read a book. I guess I’d enjoy it more if my day job would be anything else but reading and writing.
Book rec for Andy:
Patty Smith’s “Just Kids”
Elizabeth:
The Goldfinch
Another book lover here. Although I have to admit that while I love reading, and love the smell and feel of books, I have been listening to audiobooks almost exclusively of late. For some reason I feel guilty about this…
Elizabeth, if you are enjoying crying your way through your current book, I would suggest Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. In general I would suggest A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson- it’s a really funny, totally engaging look at major scientific discoveries and the people doing the discovering.
Finally, I recently received this amazing book. I ordered it for my son (for when he is a few years older and can look at it without trying to eat it). Each book is handmade in Japan- it took about 5-6 months for it to arrive. It is a thing of beauty!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzRotANH9ME
@Fruitypants I *love* Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close! I listen to audiobooks lately too because I have a toddler and it allows me “read” while I cook/clean or go for walks with her in the stroller. But it does feel like cheating for some reason! Ha.
Count me in for the Totally book club! I love to read but recently have had the hardest time finding something that I could really get into. I’m going to check out some of the recommendations above. And am looking forward to more!
YESSSS to bookends!!! Can’t wait !
Lol damn autocorrect - bookwads!
Love books and bookclubs (and this podcast)! Parenthood totally slowed down my reading, too, and now, after listening, I feel like maybe I need to look into large print… Anyway, here are some books I was crazy about this year -
Dept. of Speculation by Jenny Offill. A concise and gorgeous book about a marriage that you will probably want to re-read as soon as you finish it.
2 am At the Cats Pajamas by Marie-Helene Bertino - also a short novel, set in Philly, with a great, wry sense of humor and fascinating characters. It took me out of baby world whenever I picked it up.
We Were All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler - this book is bananas good. The first person narrator is so sharp and funny, but the book is incredibly devastating and and surprising and anything more that I say would be a spoiler.
Denton Little’s Deathdate by Lance Rubin - the most hilarious YA novel I’ve ever read and so endearing, about a 17 year old living in a world where everyone knows the day the die. Denton dies tomorrow. (My husband wrote this one, so I’m biased. But it reads so fast and is so funny, I feel like it’s a good one for guys and girls.)
I don’t think Andy is so alone in barely reading. I used to read a ton when I was little (literally a book every day when I was in middle school, I know because we had to keep records). But I can hardly force myself to read at all these days and that’s despite the fact that I’m pretty well educated (currently working on a PhD). I think I stopped reading when I started to have a social life (no friends was how I managed to read a book a day in middle school). Also, my dad used to always get on me about the quality of the books I was reading, because he wanted me to read classic novels instead of the young adult stuff I loved. I wish I had been encouraged to just keep reading whatever the hell I wanted; I probably would have eventually progressed onto better things, but instead I just don’t read. The real killer was in college when I just had to read and memorize SO much and there was absolutely no way that I was going to also spend my free time reading. My mom feels the same away about computers—she uses them all day and never just sits down in front of a computer to relax at the end of the day. I would say that I’ve probably finished 2 books in the last 6 years that were just for fun. Maybe 4 if I’m really pushing it. Actually I have a friend who’s also in my PhD program who, like Andy, has never read a book in his life.
Oh, while I’m thinking of it! When you two were answering my question a few weeks ago about how my husband and I can learn about each other’s subjects, you interpreted my comment about how people don’t remember much from undergrad as a dig against people whose education ends in undergrad. To clarify, that’s totally not what I meant! Instead, it was a dig on the bullshit way that undergrad education is mostly taught—where students have to memorize so much information and then get tested on their recall, instead of working actively with the material and engaging with it so they actually comprehend it. Right after getting tested, students tend to forget everything. I got A’s on almost every test I took in undergrad and I remember very little.
And as an update to that question, my husband‘s class is almost over (the summer is flying by!) and what we decided to do was for me to sit in on the class whenever possible. Out of the 10 class sessions, I’ll have sat in on 4 total. He told me which days he thinks will be most interesting for me, and I’ve tried my best to rearrange my work schedule to make it possible. Now not only did I learn some of the basic concepts in the class, I also learned his students’ names, got to see him in action (and man is he amazing at teaching!) and have been able to give him lots of feedback to improve his teaching. The best part is that he has no perspective on what he’s doing great, so after class I can assuage his concerns about the couple of things that maybe didn’t go so well in the class and point out to him the huge number of things he totally kicked ass at but didn’t notice!
I’m similar, was a huge reader as a child, masters degree and only manage to “read” two audiobooks this year. The combo of one kid, one on the way, and a long commute is a huge roadblock for reading time. Though really I think the practice of reading for fun fell to the wayside in college.
So neat to hear you two talking about books.
I have two recommendations. For Andy, I would suggest James Ellroy’s “My Dark Places”, a disturbing and compelling memoir of his mother’s 1958 murder, and his own troubled adolescence. I think Elizabeth might enjoy Eowyn Ivey’s novel “The Snow Child”.
I also wanted to weigh in on the soulmate question. I think everything that Elizabeth and Andy said is spot on! I stayed way too long with my ex-girlfriend because I thought I had found the person I was supposed to be with and desperately hung on, even though every single sign in the relationship pointed to it being a failure. (Thank god she finally ended it or I would probably still be hanging on!)
The first year I was dating my now-husband I had concerns for sure about whether we were right for each other. So many things felt so right but we also had issues that we had to work on a lot. In fact, I wrote into Totally Married about this exact question—how to tell whether we had too many issues or how many disagreements are normal in a relationship! Now I see that while we did have some issues, we had a backbone of respect and communication that helped us through those and has only helped us more and more with time. (Having a couples therapist helped tremendously with this!) If I had been convinced that there was a perfect human out there that would complete me I probably wouldn’t have kept trying with my husband. And thank god that I did keep trying, because it turns out that the issues we have are normal, common, and are nothing compared to the love we have for each other.
We both also don’t believe that we couldn’t have been happy with someone else. I’m incredibly grateful for this as well because I already spend mental energy worrying about the future and the possibility that one of us might die way before the other. Right now I feel that if this happened the survivor would be absolutely devastated, but will ultimately move on and eventually find someone else to be happy with. And if I die I sure as hell don’t want my husband to be lonely his whole life, so it’s a very reassuring thought.
This is a response for the writer-inner who is looking to do long distance with her husband, because we’re actually doing the exact same thing! A bit about our situation for reference: we have been married for one year and have been doing a three-hour drive long distance for two years (so our whole marriage so far!). We have been together for almost 10 years and had done scattered long distance stints previously. He started med school two years ago in a city three hours away, and I have a great job so we have a house that he lives in full time, and I drive to work Monday mornings and back to our home Friday evenings, staying in the other city during the week. (Actually, Totally Married has been a COMPLETE savior to me to listen to when I have to leave Monday mornings- thanks Elizabeth and Andy!!). Anyway, it sounds like a surprisingly close situation.
So: it really sucks (sorry it’s the truth) but is totally do-able! The main thing is that you already know it’s only going to be for two years. Having an end date is crucial and I can say that two years is about how long you want to go (that’s where we are now and it’s time for us to re-evaluate the job sitch).
The hardest parts (hopefully this will help you prepare?) is that there are some things that can’t be done long distance. We haven’t been able to get a dog, and can’t even think about having kids. Also (and I’m in your husband’s position as the commuter so maybe this will apply to him), I have a hard time when we have to go to weddings or other weekends out of town because that means two whole weeks I will be away from my house. Maybe that won’t bother him, but I haven’t been as outgoing or enthusiastic to make weekend plans as I usually am, because I want that time to just be home with my husband.
Some things we do during the week to make it feel like we’re spending time together is watch sports or a movie together over the phone, and we facetime as much as we can. But the other important thing is that you both need things to keep you engaged in your current week and not only look forward to the weekends (like gym classes/happy hours/etc.). Also, your weekends will be awesome quality time (and it sounds like your husband won’t have to study all the time, which will help too!). On the weekend try to schedule fun things together, but also have just some of the casual hanging around the house time that you would normally have during the week.
I loved Elizabeth’s advice about having a Plan B, and I think it’s important to recognize the work that both of you are doing to make it both your relationship and your careers work. Try to remember to show appreciation for the work the other person is doing while you’re in it too- that’s been really important for us in making it work.
Phew, that was a long one (I clearly needed to vent!) but I hope it helps! Good luck!!! (And the book suggestions on here have been awesome!)
“lemon eyes” on repeat. Thanks for my new sound of the summer! And, also, thanks to the both of you for being bold and brave in sharing your beautiful world with the rest of us. Can we be best friends yet or what?
I love the book club idea and am excited for someone to start that, but that’s not why I wanted to comment.
The soul mate idea that you proposed, Elizabeth, is exactly how I see it. I just wanted to chime in and support your theory. To get a little geeky, how I see it is sort of the conservation of mass rule applied to humans. We are all essentially just recycled bits and I think sometimes, our souls get a little recycled too. Maybe they get chipped or broken up a bit and they mix with others. When we meet those people who have little bits of our soul mixed with theirs, those are our soul mates. We’re connected more to those people. Sometimes it’s a romantic relationship and sometimes it’s like you said about your mom and your friends. Our spirits recognize themselves in each other.