Grandparent Drama w/Vanessa Ragland!
10.21.15 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Mommy Podcast
Episode 94
It’s a Vanessa week! The Curated Tee’s co-founder VANESSA RAGLAND is here to discuss our recent experiences with little monster people (eeep!) plus our good/bad/funnies (Consistency success! Watching the kid emerge! Existential time realization! Poop parade! Hippo doggies! Tiny smart alec!) Then we give our unqualified advice to listener questions about moving forward with a new pregnancy after a traumatic loss, how to handle an uneasy feeling about having a well meaning Grandfather provide childcare, what to do about a jealous and passive aggressive mother in law, and lastly how to let future grandparents know that a sensitive topic regarding their grandchild will be off limits? Enjoy!
9 Comments!
Such good listener questions on this one!! Just a few comments:
1) On the pregnancy after loss, I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy and even though that’s certainly not the most traumatic thing that can happen… with my two subsequent pregnancies, basically every single time I went to the bathroom I worried I’d see blood. Every time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier with the 3rd pregnancy (even though I had a healthy 2nd pregnancy). I think that’s just something the writer-inner has to accept. It won’t ever be easy again (like Vanessa said) so you just have to know that and then choose not to let your fear control your decision making. Another thing she has to know is she is strong. She made it though SO MUCH. And she can do it. She has a knowledge of what can happen that most women do NOT want to learn first hand but with that knowledge she is more prepared to handle anything life can throw at her. I also VERY MUCH so agree with Vanessa on the, not putting on a brave face and recognizing that some friends won’t be able to handle the honest talk about how scary pregnancy is in general, let alone after tragedy. So speak your truth and do whatever is best for you.
2) The FIL watching the kid. I get along great with my parents and they did watch my son for a good portion of his first year. Even with a good situation… it’s hard when family is involved in child care. It’s much better, if you can afford it, to just pay someone and have that customer/service relationship with your childcare provider and make it more of a business deal and leave the emotions of family out of it. Also, I must say, I did feel a little sad with the description/discussion of the mentally ill SIL. Mental illness isn’t a personality defect. And although the risks of someone with a severe mental illness who is not receiving adequate treatment can be very real, I don’t think it necessarily makes them a shitty person. I definitely agree she should not be allowed around the child for safety purposes but I also think that if one day she is able to receive treatment and become stable her previous issues with mental health should not be held against her. My sympathies to that entire family as that is a really really tough and tricky thing to deal with.
As always, love Vanessa and you together so so much. You are so funny and no one is more real than Vanessa! I just love her honesty!
Hi Jessie! I’m the writer-inner of the FIL/SIL email. If I was offensive or insensitive in any way about mental illness, I completely apologize. She is an extremely manipulative person (she has done things like lie about family members abusing her and post it on the internet, among other truly terribly things… one of which is so bad- I’m on my work computer and I’m afraid if I write the words I will be flagged in some way!) and it takes every ounce of my being to find peace in my heart where she is concerned. I don’t know if that comes from her illness(es) or what- she doesn’t have a clear diagnosis because she is such a vehement liar… she has doctors convinced she has PTSD from “abusive relationships” that didn’t happen… Anyway, just wanted to give you some more perspective on that and apologize if I was in the wrong. I don’t have much love for her after many personal attacks against me and my family, and I’m sure that came across!
Thanks JJ, I think from your description it was clear, this SIL is no beuno. I understand what Jessie is saying, we all should have compassion for mental illness but sometimes that can come at a grave cost of not having compassion for ourselves. In my opinion, it is totally reasonable to cut someone out of your life (and certainly your child’s) for good if they have caused you to suffer immensely, regardless of their health.
You made the comment about miscarriage and infant loss being something we don’t talk about as much as we should, and I agree! I just wanted to add a few thoughts to that sentiment…
I had an early miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I currently have a 2 year old and am pregnant again but I still wait as long as possible to make my pregnancy “public knowledge.” Many people don’t understand and are rather insensitive about wanting to keep it private for so long but having to explain that you had a miscarriage to every single person you run into is something I don’t want to do.
My second point is that I am open about my miscarriage but I have a strong desire to only share when it is my choice to share and keeping control of that information. Let me explain… there is often too much whispering about miscarriage behind a person’s back… whispering about why they miscarried, if they will try again, wondering what happened, etc. Also, it is information that I am fine to talk about now, over 2.5 years later, but not when it first happened and I was still grieving. My MIL never understood my need for privacy and perhaps she is one of the reasons I feel this way. She tells everyone everything and I felt like my personal information was being distributed and that I had no control. (For example, my daughter had a very high risk for Down’s and upon hanging up the phone with my husband, immediately called her friend and told her! By the time my husband texted her and said “oh and please don’t tell anyone” she already had. I was devastated because I didn’t want everyone’s first question after the most joyous moment of birth being “does she have Down’s?!” but I wanted everyone to welcome my baby with only happiness in their hearts, not anything else.)
Anyway, that was a long-winded way of encouraging other moms to do whatever you feel comfortable with… talk about it, don’t talk about it, wait, grieve, hope, find comfort. Just know that you are not alone! And also know, that the only people that truly understand what you are going through is another mom that miscarried. Other people tend to minimize, oversimplify, and give unwelcome advice (yet another reason for having control over who you tell!). Stay strong, mommas…
You read my question today! I’m the girl with the little boy due in December who most likely has clubbed feet. You made my DAY!
It was so wonderful hearing your advice. It is very closely aligned with what my husband and I have decided to do. Hearing that you had similar ideas made me feel completely reassured in our decision. And thank goodness my husband is going to handle the situation completely. He is so protective of me and the baby (he actually dislikes him mom more than I do, ha!). I think this tactic will work perfectly.
I remember when I wrote this email, it was just days after we found out the diagnosis. I was in such a haze and full of so much fear. But now, 2 months later, we have learned a TON, were able to secure one of the top doctors in the country who treats infant club feet, and I have found the best community on Facebook who share all of their positive experiences. Now, I barely even think about it. Well, except being anxious about my mother in laws reaction : )
If any other listeners are looking for more resources on club feet, don’t Google it! You’ll see the most horrible things. Instead, research the Ponsetti Method, which is the surgery-free casting method of treatment that we will be doing. You can look up doctors in your area who specialize in this. Also, join Clubfoot Mommas on Facebook, an awesome community full of such great knowledge and success stories.
Thanks again!
Thank you Natalie! So happy to hear this great update, and thank you for the resources!!
Thanks so much for reading my question about my FIL/SIL drama!! So far my FIL has been watching her once a week for about a month. My husband had a talk with him beforehand to make it abundantly clear that we would not permit the SIL to have contact with the baby, and he understood. All has been ok on that front but honestly I am still not comfortable. He took the baby to his house the other day and I later found out that SIL was visiting that day. I do not know for sure whether they had contact… my husband believes not but I am skeptical. I am still considering pulling the plug on this whole thing and LOVE your advice to give a “got a great deal at daycare” lie.
Agree about your observation that he doesn’t come around much. He and my MIL live in our town - 5 minutes away - and my MIL in particular went a MONTH without seeing her between her ages of 2 and 3 months. She had grown so much in that time. We invite them over constantly and offer to drop by. I’m not sure what their deal is! She’s the only granddaughter. It’s sad. But in part, that makes me more hesitant to cancel this arrangement because I don’t want to deny the baby the chance to have a relationship with him.
Separately, he continues to not listen to me! She has a cold and I asked him not to lay her on her back for naps- only swing, etc., so she wouldn’t cough as much- would you know that he laid her down anyway?! And he continues to feed her bottle after bottle of breastmilk even though I am very clear that she should get one bottle at a time… the baby does not need 8oz at a sitting! Dude, I have to pump to keep up with her bottles! Breastmilk doesn’t appear out of thin air. Insanity. Anyway- you are right though, this is just annoying stuff that you have to deal with. I prefer the daycare provider arrangement because we pay for their services and we can tell them exactly how we want our daughter cared for. This family stuff is way too tricky for me.
So anyway- I have to talk to my husband but I am leaning towards canceling this whole arrangement… it’s definitely making my nervous. Thanks for all the comments already and I look forward to hearing what others think!
Ahhh! You are far more patient than I am. Once someone messes with my breastmilk stash they have gone too far! I love the idea of saying full week daycare will be less than the daily rate. That actually would be true for our daycare so not a stretch to say that at all.
I have to raise my hand and say how this episode resonated with me and my MIL. She lives 15 mins away and rarely visits our almost 3 year old and 1 month old but when she does come it’s allllll about taking pictures for Facebook and ends up being on her phone more than spending time with the kids. She also loves to comment on weight “you almost look skinny now!” Regarding my postpartum weight loss. DH is super passive and really dislikes her so we just see them whenever they decide to make time and don’t invest more in the relationship. Adjusting our own expectations really helps deal with it all.