Livin’ On A Prayer!
01.25.16 | Share: Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
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Totally Married Podcast
Episode 233
Elizabeth and Andy discuss prayer - the good, the bad, and the potentially really interesting thesis paper of it! Then they give their unqualified advice to listener questions about whether to pursue a crush who didn’t reciprocate right away, a meta question about how we answer questions, how to navigate having a young relative staying with you without becoming a burden, how to keep sunday fundays fresh and fun when fertility is involved, how to dodge unwanted invitations from a creepy coworker, and how to heal a struggle in a marriage brought about by different emotional reactions to physical issues. Enjoy!
13 Comments!
To the writer-inner with the creepy co-worker, I’d try to get your friends at work involved. Tell people you trust that he is making you uncomfortable and ask them to keep an eye out so he doesn’t get chances to corner you. Make it clear that you don’t wish to attend any after-hours events where he will be present and if possible always walk to your car with someone. As long as there’s other people around he probably won’t feel comfortable pulling you into another awkward conversation about his feelings.
I’m not sure what to recommend about the texts. If you change your number he will ask for the new one most likely. I’d just ignore anything he sends. If he’s not gotten the hint that you don’t want to hang out then there’s really nothing you can do except to tell him flat out you do not want to be friends. Good luck and sorry you have to deal with such a pain in the butt.
I’m currently getting my master’s in quantitative methods in the social sciences and I’m pretty intrigued by Andy’s idea to see how many lottery winners prayed about winning. I did a quick search and the only data on winners I could find was about their lives after they won (which makes sense because that’s what people are most interested in). It might be tough to collect data, both in terms of surveying all the winners and in defining prayer. Also, you would probably need a sample of non-winners to find out how many of them prayed that they would win and then didn’t. Theoretically all lottery winners could have prayed, but all the losers could have also prayed, and then all you would really know is that people who buy lottery tickets tend to pray (which would actually also be interesting to investigate because the lottery is based on luck, so maybe religious people/people who are more into prayer do buy more lottery tickets because they think prayer is more powerful than luck or something). It’s a shame I already have a thesis topic!
I came here to say exactly this!
I love that you guys are thinking about how you would test scientific questions! And it’s awesome that on TBASH Andy and Josh do blinded experiments.
The woman with the creepy coworker needs to be very clear and direct. Tell him you are not interested in a friendship outside of work and he needs to stop calling you. Don’t bring up your fiance or make an excuse for not calling or texting him back. He’s twisting that and thinking he’s just catching you at a bad time. Also, tell your boss or HR about him following you into the empty room. If that doesn’t stop him, you need to involve the police.
To the sister-in-law housing her husbands younger sister: I’m in agreement with Elizabeth’s suggestions. I agree that 3 months is a great timeframe. But maybe if you wanted to look into it further, it might not be a bad idea to all sit down and determine what that timeframe will be based on a budget so that you can work together to have a more specific goal plotted out. Especially being so young, I think she needs you two to be the practical ones and show her how to troubleshoot and come up with a plan. And I think that the best way to frame that, might be (for your husband) to say ‘We are happy to support you in being here. We don’t expect anything out of you, other than for you to be responsible with having a plan laid out that is reasonable for all of us in this living situation - and that said, having a GOAL in place for when we should start seeing results’. Maybe start by deciding what she needs out of a living arrangement and whether or not she can accomplish that (on a monthly basis) in the area based on her salary. If her monthly income can support her reasonably by herself, figure out what the average rent is in the area + required downpayment (i.e. 1st & last mo rent) + required security deposit. If your goal for her living there is three months, can she raise that balance in three months? If not, is she willing to get a second job to make that happen or find roommates. If she isn’t willing to do either of those, the hard decision may be to ask yourself ‘why should any of us waste our time trying to accomplish this goal if it is not likely to happen?’ and thus consider the harsh reality that she needs to move back home with her parents. Explaining that the adult thing to do, is for you all to sit down and figure out whether or not it is feasible, and then maturely being able to answer ‘no it is not feasible’ if that is the case, and her owning that and making the move back home. I would not push chores & responsibility on her with regard to her living there. It is rude of her not to help or even say thank you, but if she doesn’t realize that herself it is a losing battle. She’s so young she’s already likely going to need some time to not be upset about the budget sit-down and be mature about that. She may just feel under attack if you bring anything else to the table - and the way this whole thing plays out is really going to determine your future relationship with her as how close your families may be when she does grow up. And honestly thinking several years down the line, you’re helping move more family closer to you and it is always great to have family near you when you decide to grow your family and then when THEY begin to grow their family and now you have cousins nearby and helpful aunts… and it does end up being a win/win situation down the line. So just keep all of that in mind, keep calm and take deep breaths.
You’re not only doing this as a favor to her, but you’re doing this so that your husband can be closer to his family and his family can in the future have a better bond with his ‘nuclear’ family (for lack of a better word).
And then to steer away from that and say something to the writer-inner with the creepy co-worker: I got a strong vibe of creep all over the situation. I grew up very much trusting everyone, and feeling bad for everyone, and being kind and patient and helpful to everyone. I am 33 now and have just had so many experiences with the real world at this point, that I just don’t have a sympathetic ear for him at all. I think he’s a creep and he knows he’s a creep and all men (no matter how socially inept they are), are aware when they are putting a female in an unnecessarily uncomfortable situation and shame on him for that! Elizabeth may be right about the suggestions of not giving him any kind of reaction. If you are currently FB friends, maybe just change the settings rather than unfriending or blocking him. From your friend list there is a drop down box by each persons name. You can click on ‘add to another list’ and from there click on ‘restricted’ and he should only be able to see posts that you make public to all… but not be able to see anything else on your wall. I agree with the last person to comment that you should absolutely mention it to the head of HR. I know that you may not want to make waves, but you can say that he’s never ACTUALLY done anything of a sexual offense to you or made any comments, but that he behaved in what felt to be an uncomfortable and threatening way that you don’t wish to have to encounter at your place of work. Maybe there can be some schedule changes or even reconsideration as to whether or not he is brought back on the team the following season. Good luck to both writer-inner’s! I wish you the best.
I agree that with the young sister-in-law, the best approach might be to sit her down and help her come up with a game plan for moving out. If you set a solid time-frame and help her figure out how much money she needs for rent, utilities, food, etc. that is probably your best bet to get her out of your hair without too much resentment. She is very young and figuring this stuff out can be very overwhelming.
I also want to say, give her a specific chore to do once a week or so, so at least she’s contributing, but I don’t know if that could cause too much tension? As it was mentioned in the podcast, the boundaries and expectations should have been set before she moved in. Perhaps she feels like she’s your guest, and in that case, she doesn’t need to help out. Helping her to figure out her next steps and guiding her as she moves out on her own is probably the best approach.
Great podcast guys, love hearing you on Mondays again, and congrats on Baby Otis!
As a current member of a fairly conservative Christian religion (shout out to TBASH, I’m one of your loyal Mormon listeners - GFY) and having been raised Catholic, I find it really interesting that when Andy asked if Elizabeth had prayed, her response was that sellin her Pilot maybe wasn’t as important as mass genocide. I believe that while the magnitude of famine and genocide may be more important than the sale of your Pilot, the fact is that whoever God is to you already knows your heart and would probably love to hear you talk with Him/Her/It about the needs and wants of your heart. Take the example of one of your babes. If Baby Oprah or Steadman wanted to pray for something earnestly, would you tell them not to because it’s not as important as something else going on in the world? Likely not. I believe that God (or whoever you pray to) probably loves to hear each of us no matter how objectively pressing the matter.
Also, can I say how much I have learned from every single one of your Podcasts!? I am currently pregnant with our second kiddo, and my daughter is 17 months. I happened to find Totally Mommy right at the beginning of my last pregnancy, and now I am both re-listening to those early episodes and following your journey as a new family of four! It’s like built-in mentorship on how to do this two-kid thing!
Thanks for being such fantastic folks and for your beautiful and typically spot-on unqualified advice.
To the writer-inner with the clingy coworker/friend:
I’ve been in that situation before, and not talking does help after a time (especially if you won’t see that person again). I’d block that person on Facebook (you can block without unfriending), block them from texting me (check with your phone provider) and block them from your email.
I personally wouldn’t involve friends - even a well-meaning friend with a comment can cause more stress (just ask my well-meaning husband about the time he spoke to a [college, yes; ridiculous] bully about the way he was speaking to me! I had to start all my efforts over again and was embarrassed and FURIOUS). Perhaps let them know the deal but make it clear that you don’t want their help as any extra attention would make the situation worse (because it would indicate you’re thinking about him, right? Some people don’t care if the attention is negative or positive)
You’ve already told him “no”. I think if it ever happens again, be more firm (look him in the eye and say to him that you aren’t interested in spending time alone with him) and honestly if it happened a third time I’d raise my eyebrows and say “Yeah, we talked about this twice already” and walk away. But hopefully since you’re no longer working together, that isn’t an issue.
I would also reconsider working that position next year if he were to be involved.
Discussion on prayer is so interesting! It’s an incredibly personal thing that is so hard to externalize. My understanding of prayer is that it has everything to do with how we deal with/understand/process what is happening, and nothing to do with requesting or conjuring specific outcomes. Very simply, God is Love. And Love is the most powerful force in the world. Prayer is the process of tapping into that Love!
I’m going to piggy back on LT and Kelly’s comments on prayer. God doesn’t decide on whether to grant a prayer request based on how hard or how many people pray. Prayer is sort of a building of a relationship. Imagine your best friend, or you husband or wife, or child, whatever, if they are struggling with something you’d want them to share it. You love them, you want to be there for them, so if someone you love is going through something difficult you would want them to talk to you about it. It builds that love for each other because you are their for them and they know they can come to you, at the very least, just to talk. So because, as Kelly stated, God is love, God wants to hear from us. God wants us to come to Him and talk tell Him our struggles, our desires, our needs. Not only that, but He also wants us to share those prayers with out loved ones. Those who care about us. When I am going through difficult times in my life I am very shy and private, so I don;t like to discuss what I am dealing with, but when I am able to open up and tell my friends about it they pray for me, at times we pray together. It is like a friend needing someone to talk to, someone to share their struggles with. Prayer isn’t about trying to convince God to do something or tallying enough people so that God can see how important the need is based on how many people are praying, the reason we pray is because it helps build that relationship with God, and the reason we pray with others is because it helps build that relationship with those who care about us. If you pray alone, that is awesome, but imagine in you had your closet friends around you praying for you, being there for you, supporting you. It’s about building a stronger bond with God and with one another. Sorry I got a little churchy there.
I think it’s funny how you mention prayer and nobody says “ugh, that’s bullshit, it’s not scientifically based on anything, I’m going to stop listening!” like they do when you mention astrology. They’re both things that make YOU feel better, so even if they’re not “real,” they’re real to you, and it’s not hurting anyone so who cares?
For the writer-inner with the creepy work guy: other commenters have already given great tips, but I would also add, DOCUMENT IT. It has to be on paper, I believe, with dates, not digital (although I could be wrong), and whatever notebook you write it in, keep it with you at all times and don’t leave it at work. You might not have an HR department (I’ve never worked anywhere that has one…yay, nonprofits!), but you have it to show a supervisor as evidence in case he dials up the creepiness.
And for the sister who’s living with the writer-inner and husband…be careful about squatter’s rights laws in your state, because if she’s been there a month, she might be legally considered a tenant and you can’t kick her out without notice. This is kind of extreme, but I heard of a case where a woman’s ex-husband was claiming to be a tenant and refusing to move, and she made a written notice saying basically, “okay, in 15 days your rent is increased to $5000/month, have fun with that!” You probably won’t have to take it that far, but it’s just funny what some people have to do when people rooming with them dig in their heels!
Loved this week’s episode as I do every week! I was reading Sean Lowe’s ( of the bachelor) blog this week and he said something that really hit home in regards to the conversation you had about whether your prayers about your career are worthy.
“God loves me so much that He cares for my dog too. He understands the joy my dog brings me and no matter how silly I think it is compared to other’s problems, He still cares. Not only does God care about my dog, he cares about all the other “little” things in my life too and I don’t ever need to feel embarrassed or feel like things aren’t “big enough” for God. After all, Paul says in Philippians 4:6- Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”
Thought it was very relevant! I’ve always heard that God doesn’t care what you’re praying about he’s just always happy to hear from you. So don’t worry that there are more important things you should be praying about. Pray about all of them, pray about none of them but most importantly get busy putting all of the positive vibes you can about any and ever topic out into the universe!
When I was a teenager I used to feel guilty about praying about things like a good grade on a test. As I grew and talked with some people who knew more than me, I came to realize this:
God can’t run out of “prayer-power”
If you believe God is omniscient and omnipotent, you have to also allow that God listens to ALL prayers. And there’s the old saying, too, that God replies to all prayers; sometimes the answer is just “no”.
Check this out from Philippians 4, 4-7 (emphasis mine): “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, BUT IN EVERY SITUATION, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
You can’t fill up God’s bandwidth. You shouldn’t pray selfishly, that is, to get something above somebody else. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with praying that a tuna noodle casserole turns out well.