I feel like the writer inner is overreacting about the donut situation. Sometimes people just need to do things for themselves. If he had of included her, it would have become their thing since she is super into donuts. Married people should be able to have their own secret little ritual since you share pretty much everything else. It makes you feel like you’re your own person in the moment and not part of a duo.

While Elizabeth’s perspective on the Great Donut Issue of 2016 was interesting and helpful, I still find myself thinking the wife is perhaps letting her anxieties getting away from her.

One outlying event does not a pattern make. Additionally, a fairly minor mistake does not indicate the person is capable of or engaging in much more severe behaviors.

For instance, if your wife hides from you the fact that she bought and ate a dessert at work the other day that does not mean that she does it every day. Additionally, a snuck dessert does not then mean the woman is also secretly stealing jewels from various museums around the globe.

I know that I’m being a bit flippant as I say that, but it mirrors the process of going “he had a donut without me and said he has a secret donut ritual” to “he might/must be hiding other things.”

Perhaps a better approach might have been, instead of following up specifically on the donut issue, to simply voice her anxieties, “I know this donut thing is no big deal, but I can’t stop thinking you might be hiding other things from me. Can we talk about what our feelings on secrets in the marriage are so I know we’re on the same page and my fears aren’t real?”

Because if I confessed that, yes, I had a donut and then my wife approached me the next day to bring it up again, I might feel defensive and react as such. On the other hand, if she approached and more clearly stated that it wasn’t actually about the donut, I would be far more willing to discuss the macro issue even if I thought a donut was a mildly silly catalyst.

Just to give another opinion on the last writer-inner regarding her sister’s marriage to the youth pastor - I am coming from a stand-point of being the little sister in the family who married the man having judgement cast down on him. That’s not to say that I am merely advocating for the fiance, but just casting some light on what may appear to be shadows. You said that ‘Eric’ (after about 8 months of dating your sister) asked permission from your father to have your sister’s hand in marriage. This was a gesture that he made out of respect. I’m sure with this being the first time he’d met his girlfriend’s big sister and the 2nd time he’d met the father, it was probably a very nervous moment for him. Especially coming into a scenario where his future brother-in-law is said to be ‘truly part of the group’ and leaving high standards for him to measure up to. You also said that they live two hours away. This is a total of 4 hours round trip and I’m sure can make things tricky in trying to plan a meet-up with family; and why would someone want to plan that kind of time when they clearly are getting the ‘not good enough’ vibes? You said that the first time you met him you were enraged at his request to marry her. When most people are enraged, it is not hard to figure out their feelings.

Also you said that he ‘wears uber-conservative christian beliefs on his sleeve’ ‘you cannot have a conversation without him getting theological and so noone in the family wants to talk to him’ and ‘his ego is very large and he is always trying to impress everyone, but no one’s impressed - at least not anyone in my family’. BUT your father met him twice and you met him once. It’s hard to say that someone is ‘always this, or that’ when they never come to see you and try to have a relationship with you and I’m sure, were nervous when they did meet with you, and so were probably TRYING to impress you with the only thing that they do know, considering you see them as uneducated.

You said he cannot provide for your sister financially, but in most relationships these days, one spouse member alone cannot provide for the other. It is a joint effort. You said he lives in the house your sister bought, but I’m sure that is just circumstantial and she already owned the house. You said that they go on vacations that she pays for. Have you sat down and had conversations with them about their finances? I know most couples would not be sitting down to discuss this with family members, as this is a personal matter between the two in the couple. I no longer go to church, but when I was growing up, anyone within a pastoral role in the church had a paid salary.

I really think that you need to tread lightly and if you really do want to have a relationship with your sister, make a better effort to have a relationship with her fiance. You may have grown up as a very close sister, but now you need to let go to a point and try to treat her and her husband as equals to you and not just as little siblings. Does your sister seem happy? Does she have a close knit community of friends that she has formed with her husband? If the answer to these is yes, this doesn’t come close to showing red flags of ‘future wife-beater’. Reach out to them. Don’t expect THEM to make the drive to bond with you. It’s a two-way road. The way you choose to handle all of this is going to quench your relationship, or burn a bridge that is irreparable. Good luck! I really do hope that you can have a relationship in the future with your sister and brother-in-law.